9 Amazing Things That Having A Femme Roommate Has Taught Me

Like many women (and other people with common sense) of this era, I consider myself a feminist. Some days, I am better at practicing what I preach than others. Still, I have come a long way from the tiny, self-proclaimed misogynist I had been as a child. Like many other young women my age steeped in internalized misogyny, I had come from a long history of under-appreciating Carrie Fischer and a whole host of other toxic sins committed against other women. So when I first moved in with my badass, punk-femme of a roommate, I'll admit that I was a tiny bit nervous. Would all the sins of my andro-butch gremlin of my teenage self come back to bite me in the ass now? Opposite. My roommate welcomed me into the fold of femme-appreciation with open arms like the goddess she is. And of the many things she has taught me thus far, here are a few I wish that my adolescent self had known:

1. The Joys of Face Masks

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And lotions. And proper conditioners. And really nice shaving cream for that once in a blue moon I actually want silky smooth legs. Who knew there were so many products that made so many things softer!? Freakin' sheet masks! Flippin' bubble masks! That mother effin charcoal mask that cleaned out all my pores?! Who knew I could sit on my comfy couch and let different tingly things soak into my skin until it was so so soft?! (my roommate, that's who)

2. How to Put Together Bomb-Ass Halloween Costumes on the Cheaps

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I mean, I could be a mouse (duh), but why go so basic when you live with a stylish badass with a knack for pulling together outfits out of nothing (ie. sifting through my piles of men's jeans and graphic tees to find a couple hidden gems) and years of experience with doing make-up of both the theatre and everyday varieties? Do you know how many incredible costumes you can put together via a combination of careful thrifting, era updating, and the occasional splurging for the clinching accessory piece? Well, my roommate sure as shit does (and here's the proof).

3. Sharing Clothes Won't Inherently Give You Lice

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Okay, so maybe this is something most people probably already know. In my defense, I was pulled out of preschool for weeks because of a lice epidemic, so this may be more about infestation flashbacks than misplaced girl hate. But after several years straight of living with men, I had never had the experience of saying "ugh, I wish I had a lighter sweater to wear tonight," and someone answering, "oh, I've got one you can borrow!" Because of my roomie's generous donations, I now own two crop tops, a little purple dress, and a pink sweater patterned with friendly sheep. It is the only piece of pink clothing I currently own.

4. Pigment Theory

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When my roommate walked in one day and was like, "Can I bleach your hair and then dye it bright colors?" my answer was, "Yeah, sure." I sounded like a fun experiment. Little did I know that it would teach me science. For those of you who are plebs like me, pigment theory in hair coloring is absolutely wild. I honestly had no clue about the molecular size difference in the primary color of hair, tone correcting and neutralizing, or the fact that the structure of the hair on your head can permanently alter after certain treatments, even after the color has washed out (which is why you should always tell someone coloring your hair if you've dyed it recently). This would have been very interesting to learn about sooner, Bill Nye.

5. How to Make Our Home Feel Like a Cozy Refuge from Real Life

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No offense to the male roommates I've had over the years. Most of them were truly lovely guys. But did any of them ever cover our living room in twinkly lights and throw pillows and punch bowls full of nail polishes and pulp-novel postcards of "tender hearted harlots?" Absolutely not. There's nothing like coming home to a cozy-af, well-lit apartment, putting on a silky robe, and breaking into a bottle of white wine with a friend who wants to hear about your day.

6. Introductions to Other Bad-Ass Ladies Doing Bad-Ass Things

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You know what one of the best things about being friends with a lady who loved ladies before you learned to love ladies is? The fact that you're probably totally out of the loop about some of the coolest ladies kicking on in the media, and she's gonna fill you in. Yes, it has been an epic dive - spanning years and continents, lives ruined an blood shed - into Veronica Mars, iZombie, a whole slew of iconic rom coms, and the history of fashion, feminism, and witchcraft. And let's not forget content creators like Buzzfeed's own Ladylike who are constantly teaching me amazing new things about style, fashion, and self-love that I never would have discovered or learned to appreciate on my own.

7. The Proper Care and Etiquette of Being a Step-Father to an Ornery Bun

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This has pretty much nothing to do with having a femme roommate in any capacity, but I have learned a lot.

8. How to Shut Down the Patriarchy On the Daily

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So fun fact, in case you've been living under a rock: sexual harassment is alive and thriving. I've experienced my fair share of it in my lifetime. But while my harassment often occurs in a hey-you-seem-desperate, can-i-tell-you-all-my-fetishes-in-the-stockroom sort of way, my roommate deals with a great deal street harassment on the regular. What does she do? Shuts it the fuck down. Here's a tip, straight men: just because a woman puts on make-up and wears something cute doesn't mean it's for you. And on the off-chance she did dress up to impress a guy, it sure as hell won't be your catcalling ass. Sometimes, it's easy to feel as thought we are alone, shouting into the void of patriarchal fuckery; shouting with friends reminds us we're not.

9. Self-Love Comes in Tons of Different Forms, and They're All Valid

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When I was growing up, I would never wear dresses. I didn't want to put on makeup or get my nails done, or wear pink, because these things made me feel like I was trying to be someone I was not. I saw any attempt at being "traditionally feminine" as a lack of acceptance of my tomboyish, androgynous self. I would watch my mother put on makeup in the morning and wonder why. She was so beautiful without it, and I felt as though she did not know this. I thought that people put on make-up because they were afraid of "being themselves," that these were all efforts to make oneself feel more beautiful because they did not already feel beautiful in their own skin. And that's bullshit. There are so many ways to love yourself. There are so many ways to feel comfortable in our own skin. There are so many ways to show ourselves love. Even though I have known this for the better part of my adult life, there was something deeply revelatory to me about once again living with someone who practices self-love in a completely different way than I do, and finally appreciating it for what it is. She is valid. I am valid. She beautiful. I am beautiful. I wish I'd realized that sooner. I'm lucky I know now.