The Reddit thread LGBT is well known; people of all identities and sexualities can go on there if they need it, and the moderators are keen on making it a safe space for GSRM — that is, Gender, Sexual, and Romantic Minority. Basically, this means everything other than lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender, which are usually focused on. And right on this thread, a person has posted their story in desperate need of advice.
The story involves OP (original poster), who is bi and nonbinary, and their boyfriend, who is also bi and is involved in a group of friends from uni made up entirely of queer people. Heaven, one might think. Well, not exactly. OP explains in their post that their boyfriend, for one reason or another, doesn’t want them to come out to his friends and has asked them to pretend they’re straight when they’re all hanging out together.
OP explains that, unlike their boyfriend’s friend, they’re not exactly the most "out and proud" person in the world: “I hate saying this, but where they have made it their personality, I haven't. I am just present and think everyone's hot (mostly women though). I am also nonbinary; it's more internal than external. I don't care what anyone calls me; gender doesn't mean anything to me. I do consistently wear men's clothes and occasionally bind my chest."
Their boyfriend, however, doesn’t seem to be on board: “But I get the vibe that my boyfriend thinks I'm just trying to copy him/them to make them like me. What doesn't help is that while I don't hide it, you only notice when I drag you to the men's section and spend an hour trying clothes on and walk out or that my Insta feed is just women."
And now OP finds themselves stuck: “He essentially told me that there isn't room for more gays in the group. Being around a group of LGBTA+ people is the first time I have ever felt uncomfortable with who I am. It feels way too late to essentially come out. I can't do that without throwing my boyfriend completely under the bus."
It’s no surprise that fellow LGBTQ+ members came in hot with their answers, mostly wondering what is up with OP’s boyfriend:
"This is so weird and controlling of your boyfriend. 'There isn't room for more gays in the group.' WHAT???? Literally every group of gay people I've had have been happy to add another to the fold. Of course you're not 'loud and proud'; your boyfriend is asking you to keep your sexuality a secret for no apparent reason. This is really weird no matter how I look at it."
"The fact that he’s shoving you into the closet for any reason is unacceptable, but his chosen reason is sus as f***. My theory is that he told some lie about you that he’s trying not to let out of the bag. It’s the only thing I can think of."
"He sounds like he has some really weird-ass insecurities going on there. Definitely needs therapy, and if you discuss this with him again and he doesn't change from the discussion, then you should most definitely consider ending things."
"This sounds hella toxic. And weird that someone who’s not straight is gatekeeping this? Throw him under the bus and tell your friends. But please be safe."
Someone suggested that they have a real and deep conversation with their boyfriend to understand what's really going on:
"Sounds like you need to sit down and have a serious conversation with him. Nobody should control how you present yourself, or who you are. Isn't that, like, the whole point of the LGBT movement? If your BF is seriously afraid your identity is based on copying him to seem better, he has some issues he needs to sort out. And if he can't figure that out and treat you like an individual, that conversation should end with you walking away."
People had different opinions on the "throw him under the bus" thing:
"You should come out to the group. You don't have to 'throw your boyfriend under the bus' while doing so (honestly, I wouldn't mention him at all); just casually say something like, 'I just want you all to know that I'm not straight; I'm actually bi and nonbinary.' I didn't tell you all before because I wasn't 100% comfortable saying so at the time.' If your boyfriend makes a big deal out of it, tell him that you were tired of lying, and if he has a problem with you being out as LGBT+, it's his problem, not yours."
"I’d totally throw the BF under the bus. Because if he’s doing s**t like that to his own partner, while this group of friends head up LGBTQ+ clubs and s**t, they deserve to know who they’re associating with — someone who's forcing someone into the closet against their will and gatekeeping being queer. F*** that dude."
Someone offered OP their own experience, proving the previous points made:
"I have been a part of queer groups in college, and no one EVER batted an eye at someone who originally presented as straight and later came out. Happened a lot. Usually people tried to make comments that would make the person feel good, and moved on — i.e., if the person was a jokester, we cracked jokes; if they were shy, we all we appreciative of them sharing, etc."
In general, people agreed on the fact that there is something wrong:
"If your sentence ever contains 'My boyfriend makes me ____,' and the blank isn't food, run away."
"What the fuck? Maybe take one of the group that you know best and trust well to the side and tell them what you boyfriend is doing and that you are not in fact straight and cis. Ask them for help and advice? In the worst case scenario, you have to be prepared to leave your boyfriend though. He’s being really shitty about your whole identity, and that’s just not okay to the point that you might want to get out."
And what do you think about OP's story? Is their boyfriend just not a really nice person, or might there be something else to it? Let me hear your voice in the comments!
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