1. A cat groomer you can attach onto any wall or corner in your house so your kitty can remove their excess hair all by themselves. You can even add a bit of catnip in it for extra ~incentive~.
2. A monthly planner to help you balance all of your finances, because student loans are truly wild and you need at least SOME money to go on that Bali vacation.
3. A bottle of teeth whitening mouthwash that'll whiten and re-mineralize your chompers without actually using bleach or any harmful-ass ingredients!
4. A super comfortable belt you can easily adjust throughout the day, especially after eating like five slices of pizza and a food baby appearing. We've all been there!
5. A copy of 99 Facts About Farts: The Ultimate Fun Fact Book so you and yours can laugh about literally passing gas. So gross, so good.
6. A portable car mount to place on your air vent for easy access to your tunes and presumably Google Maps, because you get lost more often than you'd like to admit.
7. A rechargeable silicone vibrator with a soft crab-like claw attachment that'll give you some sweet clitoral action to get you off in record time.
8. A set of adorable animal socks to pair with a funky pair of oxfords so everyone can see just how obsessed you are with dogs.
9. A book of tear-out love letters you can (and should!) mail to bae, that'll show just how much you adore them all year long.
10. A copy of Treat! — a book capturing just how goofy your best furry friend is when presented with sweet, sweet food right in their face. It'll have you giggling with delight!
11. A reusable microwave potato cooker to steam a whole-ass potato in four minutes, because you and your oven have a tumultuous relationship and you'd rather just pop it in and go!
12. A mini espresso maker that'll deliver a much-needed caffeine boost on the go.
13. A copy of How to Live with a Huge Penis so anyone who is well endowed will know how to cope with being bigger than average in a world that prefers medium-sized private parts.
14. A stain and odor eliminator spray for removing the pee stains and smells your pup and cat make... just in case they decided to be gross one day.
15. A pack of biotin gummies that'll probably help your nails and hair grow to perfection. Plus they taste like blueberry!
16. A pack of metallic marker pens made for calligraphy and whatever pretty creations you can think of. Creativity!
17. A container of activated charcoal powder to naturally whiten your teeth — after looking like an unearthed demon in the mirror while you apply the grey stuff onto those pearly whites.
18. A set of LED finger lights for kiddos who just love playing in the dark, and who knows — maybe you can use them to make presentations more interesting?
19. A trio of moisturizing lip balms that'll soothe dry, chapped lips when they're in desperate need of hydration.
20. A pack of LED Rocket Copters to launch in the air so you watch some pretty colors in your backyard and prepare for the spectacular that is the Fourth of July.
21. A pair of fingerless gloves so you can keep your hands warm but extremely flexible during this weird in-between weather that isn't quite spring, and isn't winter either.
22. A workout balance board for getting that core strong AF while doing the twist and shout!
23. A 12-sided fidget dodecagon that'll release some pent-up energy borne out of anxiety so you can really focus on the task at hand.
24. A tube of charcoal toothpaste to gradually (and naturally) whiten your teeth bit by bit while preventing cavities and gingivitis.
25. A detangling hairbrush that'll make it super fucking easy to painlessly get all the knots out of your hair, leaving it silky smooth.
26. A pair of Dobby-inspired socks so you can remember the ever-touching moment when he finally got his freedom. Harry did that.
27. A collection of poetry — I hope this reaches her in time — that'll take you through powerful narratives to pull at your heartstrings.
You reading poetry like...
Reviews here have been edited for length and/or clarity.