13 Things That Are Just Way Better When You’re Married

The perks of locking it down.

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1. Parties

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Listen, you may think parties are about excessive eyeliner and willing mediocre dudes to come say hi, but when you’re married you can focus on the true spirit of the party. Namely eating as many damn snacks as you want and meeting cool people you’ll never have sex with.

Plus your spouse can always save you from awkward small talk when you give him the magic look that says, “Dear God, pretend your grandma just died!”

2. Gifts

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They say, “What’s mine is yours,” and that also goes for birthday presents, wedding gifts, and the bottles (ahem, bottle) of wine you show up with as polite house guests.

3. Chores

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You might think of marriage as some kind of sad oppressive situation where the woman has to cook and clean and keep her husband pleased, but this isn’t the 1950s.

My husband does all the chores because the last time I tried to cook I got burned and stabbed at the same time.

4. Sex

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I’m not going to talk about this at length because I am a ~nice girl~ but I will say that there’s nothing better than having your best friend to try new things with, laugh with when those things end up being hella awkward, and share a Cup of Noodles with afterwards.

Not to mention you get to have it basically whenever and wherever you want.

5. Awkward Family Gatherings

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So your whole life you’ve had that kind-of-racist aunt and that cousin who won’t stop talking about 9/11 conspiracies and you’ve thought, “Is this real life?” Well, it is. And now you have a partner there to witness all the crazy in person and remind you that it’s going to be ok.

Plus, now that you’re married you’ll never again have to answer the question, “Do you have a boyfriend yet?”

6. Taxes

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Joint filing, bitches!

7. Doing Nothing

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Doing nothing when you’re single = crushing despair and existentialism.

Doing nothing when you’re married = perfect Tuesday night.

8. Rent

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Rooms in NYC (or any of the other six towns in America worth living in) can run so high you’ll have to sell your eggs to survive. But start splitting rent with your spouse and you can maybe have kids one day!

9. Other Women

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Do you know how many chill AF ladies you can meet when you stop seeing them as sexual competition?

10. The Morning Routine

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If your husband is worth a damn he thinks you're beautiful even in your natural state. So goodbye 45 minutes of tweezing, powdering, and contouring. (Unless that's what *you* wanna do, in which case you go Glen Coco.)

11. Nightlife

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i.e., You no longer have to cram yourself into a loud, dark room and pay $14 for an over-iced cocktail while screaming, “SO WHAT DO YOU DO?” to some dude who obviously works in finance.

Instead you’re free to kick back with a $7 bottle of Trader Joe’s wine and watch five hours of Orange Is the New Black with your kickass feminist husband.

12. Sleeping

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Spouse = sentient body pillow.

13. Fights

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It may sound cheesy, but once you’re married fights are kinda meaningless. You know every one of them will eventually lead to your token pouty face and some passionate makeup sex.

But do NOT shrink my jeans in the dryer. That shit’s unforgivable.