8 Rules For Wedding Season Travel (Because You Suck)

The essential guide to being an adult human being.

Dear travelers,

You’re all assholes.

I’m sorry to be the one to tell you this, but it’s true.

“Not me!” you say to yourself as you stumble through the airport, completely ignoring everyone around you as you read this post.

It’s you. I’m talking about you. You are the person I’m talking to.

Like many of you, my dear, sweet, insufferable friends, I spent last summer flying from one celebration to another.

From weddings to baby showers to births to DEAR GOD WHEN DOES IT END, I’ve decided that— A. I need a second job to sustain my registry-laden lifestyle. B. We humans should make travel less crappy for other humans this wedding season.

And it’s honestly not as difficult as you may think. My rules for travel are simple and humane. Everyone probably should have been following them to begin with, but since we are failing as a society, here’s a refresher.

1. For the love of everything that is holy, stop sneezing.

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Listen, I get it. Airports are dusty? No, they aren’t. I really don’t understand why you people are always sneezing.

I understand sickness happens. I get acid reflux at the mere sight of cinnamon whiskey, and I guess some of your noses are like that with rolling suitcases.

But is it too much to ask that an adult person cover their face before launching snot at someone sitting .5 centimeters away?

Google “dabbing” and please perform the “dance” next time you feel a tickle in your nostril.

As it stands, the chance of your snot landing on another passenger’s shoulder is too damn high.

2. Same as No. 1, but for coughing.

3. Stop blocking the boarding area when it’s not your turn.

I’m cheap. I’m lazy. I’m forgetful. So, you guessed it, I’m always loading group “we ran out of overhead bin space.”

I understand the frustration of waiting for priority groups gold through aluminum to take their seats, only to be told that you have to check your bag because they took up all the overhead room with their rich people luggage.

A carry-on is your baby. Your lover? Your comfort blanket.

But if it’s not your turn to board the plane, get *clap emoji* out *clap emoji* of *clap emoji* the *clap emoji* way.

Crowding the entrance to the plane isn’t going to magically change the loading zone on your ticket. If it did, I’d be like a 12-year-old girl throwing ‘bows to get a front-row view of One Direction… or whatever band is cool these days.

4. Stop putting your tiny crap in the overhead bins.

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They announce this every damn time I fly, and yet somehow, everyone thinks they’re special enough to take up overhead bin storage with a tiny purse, only large enough to hold one of those miniature avocados they sell at Trader Joe's.

Why?

Do you not want to snack on tiny avocado toast while jetting over San Fran? What use do you have for an avocado wielding purse if not for mid-air snacking?

Or maybe for some crazy reason your tiny purse doesn’t have an avocado in it, which is a total missed opportunity if you ask me. Does it not carry your cell phone? Your money? Any series of other valuable things you presumably don’t want to be touched by strangers?

Why make me, a person who is just trying to get home to her small but loving dog, check a bag and take time away from her canine family?

A brief study I conducted by myself with no real, measurable data proved that it takes at least 45 minutes to retrieve a checked bag at LAX.

Do you know how long that is in dog years?

5. Don’t bring hot food on planes.

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There’s really no sensation like being gently rocked to sleep by the sweet hum of an airplane engine, then being JOLTED awake to the smell of hot, refried beans.

It takes minutes to stuff your face with hot garbage. I do it all the time. Trust me.

So, I have a few questions for people who decide it’s best to enjoy hot food 10 minutes into a flight.

1. Could you not have eaten your shrimp stew while blocking the entrance to the plane, you group H’er?

2. Where did you even get shrimp stew in this airport?

3. That’s honestly so gross. There’s no way airport shrimp is fresh. (This one is less of a question and more of a tongue-lashing.)

4. You had time to wait in a line that wrapped around the entire terminal for shrimp stew, but didn’t have five minutes to slurp it down?

If you absolutely need to eat once you get on the plane (which literally is never the case) eat a sandwich, bro. Eat a G-D sandwich.

6. LEARN THE ZIPPER

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Row 1 goes, then Row 2 goes. Row 3 goes, then Row 4 goes.

It’s called the zipper, and anyone who ever rode the bus as a child should understand how it works.

So why, years into adulthood, are people RUNNING into the aisles as soon as the plane lands?

It’s not your turn, Robert. Wait your turn, Robert. HAVE SOME HUMAN DECENCY, ROBERT.

We teach our children to be patient, follow the rules and share, and yet when it comes to the simple act of getting off a plane in an orderly fashion, the Roberts of the world bulldoze their way past the very children we are trying to teach.

I simply refuse to raise a dog in this world.

7. Get to the airport early.

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Listen here, every person who has ever tried to cut in front of me at the security line. It sucks that your plane leaves in two minutes. It really does. I’m sorry for your loss. Send my condolences to the family.

But here’s the thing— you know it takes time to get to your gate. Stop making it everyone else’s problem that you decided to stop for a frappuccino on the way to the airport and then…

”Wait, we can’t bring liquids on the plane? But I just bought this frapp! It was $18! I sprung for the extra shot!”

*Insert yelling at airport staff for something that is definitely not their fault.*

Which brings me to my next point.

8. Stop being a dick to the TSA.

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Before you click away, I understand that the TSA can get a little power hungry now and again.

Sometimes, it seems TSA stands for Totalitarian Screaming Army. But the fact of the matter is, they’re just doing their jobs.

I can understand a little lip here and there when they start being all, “This bottle is 3.41 ounces and the max amount of liquid allowed is 3.40,” but otherwise, leave them be.

You aren’t going to change the national policy on aerosols because you want a specific dry shampoo for your girls trip in Cabo. (Although, I totally get that and hope they have an equivalent brand for you at the local drug store. Bless up.)

Leave the oversized cosmetics at home and accept that your hair is going to look like shit for a few days. Cut your losses. Go with beachy waves.

Moral of the story:

Stop being a dick at the airport.

If we all follow these simple rules, it’s going to make travel better for everyone... and we need that since we don’t get those little blue blankets anymore.

Have a $20 mid-air cocktail, chill out and have a safe flight, you asshole.