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24 Jokes Amy Poehler And Tina Fey Have Told At The Golden Globes That Are So, So Aces

"Meryl Streep is not here tonight. She has the flu, and I hear she's amazing in it."

1. This perfect use of 'rat-faced.'

Fey says, "Tonight we honor the shows that have entertained us all year, and the films that have been out for 2 days," and Poehler says, "Only here do the beautiful people of film rub shoulders with the rat-faced people of television"

2. This Ricky Gervais shoutout.

Fey says, "Ricky Gervais could not be here tonight because he is no longer technically in showbusiness"

3. This epic James Cameron burn.

Poehler says, "I haven't really been following the controversy over 'Zero Dark Thirty', But when it comes to torture, I trust the lady who spent three years married to James Cameron"

4. This porn discussion.

Fey says, "She's said it was difficult performing with a camera so close to her face," Poehler says, "She's never gonna make it in porn," Fey says, "I don't think she has any plans to do porn, Amy," and Poehler says, "None of us have plans to do porn"

5. This Meryl Streep acclaim.

Poehler says, "Meryl Streep is not here tonight, she has the flu, and I hear she's amazing in it"

6. This Homeland opinion.

Poehler says, "I like 'Homeland', but I don't think it's as good as that other show, 'Previously on Homeland', that thing is action-packed"

7. This rendition of "I Dreamed a Dream".

Poehler sings, "I dreamed a dream ah da da da, and then I went to get a sandwich"

8. This nominee.

We see Fey in a moustache and hear, "As a professional volleyball player battling restless leg syndrome, Damien Francisco in 'Dog President'"

9. This message for Martin Scorsese.

Poehler says, "Martin Scorsese is here, Marty, I forgot to tell you Bobby says hi, and Bobby also, the other Bobby, Bobby and bobby say hi, and Danny, Danny and Bobby and Bobby say hi, Danny wants me to say hi to you, Marty, and Bobby and Bobby as well"

10. This George Clooney takedown.

Fey says, "'Gravity' is nominated for Best Film, it's the story of how George Clooney would rather float away into space and die than spend one more minute with a woman his own age"

11. This assessment of Joaquin Phoenix.

Fey says, "One of my favorite films this year is the movie 'Her', which takes place in the not-so-distant future, which is perfect because so does Joaquin Phoenix"

12. This reminder of reality.

Fey says, "For his role in 'Dallas Buyers Club', he lost 45 pounds, or what actresses call, 'being in a movie'"

13. This window into Jonah Hill's pool parties.

Poehler says, "'The Wolf of Wall Street is a big nominee tonight, I really loved the film, but some of it was too graphic, I mean, if I wanted to see Jonah Hill masturbate at a pool party, I'd go to one of Jonah Hill's pool parties"

14. This realistic destiny for a prosthetic penis.

Fey says, "Jonah Hill actually used a prosthetic penis in 'The Wolf of Wall Street', so you have that to look forward to next time you eat at Planet Hollywood"

15. This Saving Mr. Banks fun fact.

Poehler says, "A number of movies used prosthetic genitals this year, including 'Saving Mr. Banks', a lot of people don't know, Tom Hanks was wearing one the entire time, he's wearing one right now actually, he's really enjoying it"

16. This 12 Years a Slave appreciation.

Poehler says, "I loved '12 Years a Slave', and I can honestly say that after seeing that film, I will never look at slavery the same way again," Fey says, "Wait how were you looking at it," and Poehler says, "And what a year for television"

17. This friendship rejection.

Poehler says, "Our next presenter told me earlier that she isn't looking for new friends, please welcome Emma Stone"

18. This acknowledgement of Wild.

Poehler says, "Reese Witherspoon is here, so great in the movie 'Wild', she did all of her own walking, so brave, and Andy Serkis was great as your backpack"

19. This proof.

Poehler says, "'Boyhood' proves that there are still great roles for women over 40, as long as you get hired when you're under 40"

20. This comparison.

Fey says, "Steve Carell's 'Foxcatcher' look took two hours to put on, including his hair styling and make-up, just for comparison, it took me three hours today to prepare for my role as human woman'"

21. This love for Frances McDormand.

Poehler says, "Frances McDormand is here for 'Olive Kitteridge', Francis, can I just say I love you, you are the only person in this room that I would save in a fire"

22. This Wes Anderson bike.

Poehler says, "Wes Anderson is here tonight for the film 'Grand Budapest Hotel', per usual Wes arrived on a bicycle made of antique tuba parts"

23. This game of Who'd You Rather, with these directors.

Fey says, "Richard Linklater Or Alejandro Iñárritu," Poehler says, "I'm gonna say Iñárritu, one take, two hours straight, no stopping" and Fey says, "Linklater, five minutes once a year"

24. And finally, this conversation about television.

Poehler says, "But finally Tina, let's talk about television," and Fey says, "Oh, I'm being told that we are running out of time, our apologies, television"