Posted on May 29, 2021

25 "New Girl" Jokes That I Will Genuinely Never Forget

"If I were a gold digger, do you think I'd be interested in you? I would be the worst gold digger in the world!"

by Hope Lasater

BuzzFeed Staff

Winston asks, "You put bologna in your Bolognese," and Nick says, "Where else would it get its name, trick question, it gets it from the mayonnaise"

Winston says, "My academy background check is today and I need everybody's help," and Coach says, "Can't do it bro, I'm going to the outlet mall today, I'm gonna look like a rich person from three years ago"

Schmidt says, "Ladies and gentlemen, drumroll, please," Nick and Jess do a tom-tom and a cymbal, Schmidt says, "Cut, cut, Nick, snare drum, I shouldn't have to specify, Jess, that was a cymbal," and Jess says, "Cymbals are part of the drum kit"

Jess says, "Every prank you do turns out either too big," flashback Nick says, "Did you register me as a sex offender," Jess says, "Or too small," flashback Schmidt's eating cereal and says, "How'd this blueberry get in here," and Winston starts cackling

Schmidt says, "God, I hate that you knit, I hate everything about it," Jess asks, "Why," and Schmidt says, It makes me angry and scared all at the same time, just like when I hear the phrase, 'Academy Award-winner, Anna Paquin'"

Winston says, "You've named your testicles, and they're both named Sharon," and Nick says, "Yeah, so what"

Jess says, "If I were a gold digger, do you think I'd be interested in you, I would be the worst gold digger in the world"

Coach says, "You've never been turned on by gas mileage before," Winton says, "Once," Schmidt asks, "When was that," Winston says, "It was a Thursday, that's all I remember," Schmidt asks, "A Thursday," Winston says, "Yeah," and Schmidt glares at him

Schmidt says, "I can never write my vows right now – I can barely even spell my own name, S, Jeans, is that right, is 'jeans' not a letter, it feels like a letter to me" and then he says, "'Jeans' isn’t a letter, jeans is pants"

Schmidt says, "Do you even wash it" and Nick says, "No, I don't wash the towel, the towel washes me, who washes a towel"

Jess says, "I'm so far off the grid that everybody's all, 'she's off the grid,' and then I'm all, 'I don't play by your rules, I can drink at 11, A M"

Nick says, "Schmidt, no," Schmidt hits Nick and Nick says, "You just hit me," Schmidt says, "Damn right I did, you're sitting right in the middle of the spot," and Nick says, "You hit me with your car over a parking spot, Schmidt"

Schmidt says, "I'm the Bridgette Wilson-Sampras here," Cece says, "Who," Reagan says, "I don't know," Schmidt says, "Oh, I suppose you're both too cool to have seen 'THE WEDDING PLANNER,'" and then Winston says, "Well, I've seen it"

Jess asks, "Schmidt, an aquarium, when did you become a Bond villain that couldn't afford not to live with roommates"

Winston says, "We both know what you really want is Cece," and Schmidt says, "Cece the woman, you can’t put a woman in a fish tank, Winston, that doesn’t make any sense"

Nick says, "You gave me a cookie, I gave you a cookie, you gave me a cookie, gave you cookie, gave me cookie, got you cookie, you gave me cookie, I got you cookie, man, gave me cookie, got you cookie"

An old man says to Nick, "Looks like you got old-man back, welcome to the club," and Nick says, "Looks like a cool club, then he says to Winston "Ugh, you hear that," and Winston says, "Yeah, I'm sitting closer than you"

Schmidt says, "This is a horrible neighborhood, okay, there are youths everywhere" and then he sees his tires are gone and he yells, "Youths"

Winton says, "I can't close my ass," and Jess, Coach, and Nick all look confused

Jess says, "You know me, I'm only attracted to guys who are afraid of success and think someone famous stole their idea"

Nick says, ""They should make more foot lotion for your hand, foot lotion hand"

Schmidt is dancing and says, "Yes, my penis is working"

Nick says, "Would you like a green grape shoved in your – given to your mouth — handed to your mouth"

Nick says, "He called an oven an oves, he calls an airport airp, last month he went to a party called Bros Before Hoes on the Moon, and the dress code was yacht flair," Winston says, "Schmidt has a friend who changed his middle name to one word, "Doinit"

In a car, Nick fist bumps and mimes the fiddle in "Cotton-Eyed Joe", and Jess says, "Why did you need me for this, Nick"

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