Posted on Dec 25, 2020

The "New Girl" Where Jess Has A Bag Of Meth In Her Closet Is The Funniest Episode Of The Show, And These 33 Moments Prove It

"It's medical meth. For my cramps."

by Hope Lasater

BuzzFeed Staff

Winston says, "My academy background check is today and I need everybody's help," and Coach says, "Can't do it bro, I'm going to the outlet mall today, I'm gonna look like a rich person from three years ago"

Winston says, "It's from Sergeant Tess Dorado, The Fish, I'm think they call her that cause she's tough but fair, like most fish I've interacted with," Schmidt says, "Dorado is a fish, it's a subset of mahi-mahi and it pairs nicely with citrus, you oaf"

Nick says, "What are you afraid of, they'll look through your dream journal," Schmidt says, "What, are you running a sweatshop back there for skirts that look like curtains," and Coach says, "What, did you steal a kiss and hide it in an envelope"

Jess says, "I have a bag of meth in my closet" and the men look at her shocked

Coach says, "Why are you keeping it in your closet," Jess says, "I can't notify the authorities, officer I found a bag of meth in a footstool I bought at a garage sale, no, my closet is safe, the only person in there is me when I'm naked and or sad"

Jess says, "I'm gonna call Cece, she knows about this stuff, she lived one summer in Milan with a guy named 'Crystal Randy'"

Nick says, "I can't see where it goes, 'cause then when she comes in here, I'll just yell 'trash.' I'll yell 'trash.," Jess says, "Cover your ears and sing 'Landslide,'" and Nick sings, "I took my love and I took it down"

Winston asks, "Fun Saturday," Dorado says, "No, my bird died," Winston says, "Well, my mom used to say, when a bird dies, he gets another set of wings in heaven, so," and Dorado says, "Well, that bird was going straight to hell"

Jess's bra is stuffed and Dorado says, "I will ask questions, you will ask no questions, in exchange I will offer up three personal facts, I was born in St. Louis, I have three brothers, two of whom were killed in separate plane crashes, and I like music"

Meth is Jess's bra falls, so Coach covers it up with grapes and says, "Green grape, would you like...," and Dorado says "No thanks, I already had my grapes"

Nick says, "Would you like a green grape shoved in your – given to your mouth — handed to your mouth"

Winston says, "And girl, you ain't got a cycle, you got a rollercoaster," Jess says, "Don't I know it, girl" and then looks down in shame

Cece asks, "You're gonna go and get Duquan," Coach says, "I think so" and looks back at everyone in fear as he leaves

Cece walks in on Jess putting meth down the shower drain and says, "Jessica, what are you doing, you do not put drugs down the shower drain, have you never seen a drug movie before," and Jess says, "I don't know, I saw 'Ray'"

Jess says, "I think that the meth entered my bloodstream through my boob skin"

Dorado says, "What's all that clanging," and Nick says, "Oh, it's just a bunch of clanging"

Schmidt says, "It's probably the ladies playing with their jewelry," Nick says, "And their brooches," and Schmidt says, "You know how the — brooches, of course, Nick makes a very good point"

Winston asks, "What's going on" and Nick panic moonwalks away

Cece says, "Why is your shirt off," and Schmidt says, "I've seen 'New Jack City,' okay, they all take their shirts off in the crack cocaine lab"

Winston asks, "Meth, what meth," and Jess, who is holding some, says, "This meth, it's legal meth, it's medical meth, for my cramps"

Nick sings, ""I took my love and I took it down, I drove around and I hit a pound, and I saw all the puppies with their eyes so blind"

Nick says, "Okay, you want the truth, I'll tell you everything, when I was 13-years old, I once made love to myself behind a post office"

Coach says, "Hey, come here, man, come here, I need a little boy, whoa, no, that's not what I meant, no no no, I didn't mean — you know what I'm — ah"

Nick says, "When I was 9, I fed cereal flakes to a frog and it died, then I fed cereal flakes to all little animals, squirrels can live through it, chipmunks can live, anything that lives half in and out of water dies and I don't understand why"

Nick says, "When I was 10, I once walked by my mother sleeping and I snuck in the room and I put a lemon in her mouth"

Nick says, "My sixteenth year, I never got an erection, I thought they were done, I thought my penis was dead, it wasn't"

Winston says, "Sarge, I have something I need to tell you," but Jess says, "Wait, sergeant, my name is Jessica Day, and this is my meth"

Jess says, "Does meth make you feel, like, normal, but like, like, your face feels, like, scratchy"

Jess says, "Hey Nick, when I'm in prison, write, dance, sing, live your life, and if you come and visit me in jail, please don't wear that robe," and Nick says, "It's a kimono"

Dorado says, "Well, this is a first, these are aquarium rocks," Jess says, "So that's the street name for—," and Dorado says, "No, these are actual aquarium rocks"

Dorado says, "Excuse me, please consider moving, I have no idea why you live with these people, what kind of person would urinate on an electrical socket," and Nick says, "I thought it would make lightning"

Coach says, "Hey, guess who's here? Like he normally is, every Saturday. It's...Duquan!" and a man in his thirties walks in

José says, "I do the same, but I end it with pretzel," Coach says, "Pretzel, I—," José says, "Shut up," Coach asks, "Cinnamon pretzel," José says, "Oh my god," and Coach says, "Dude, don't"

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