On the popular podcast My Dad Wrote a Porno, longtime friends Jamie Morton, Alice Levine, and James Cooper read and unpack the unimaginably terrible* erotic fiction written by Morton's retired builder father — who's known only by his pen name, Rocky Flinstone.
Rocky Flinstone's books form a series called Belinda Blinked, in which the titular Belinda Blumenthal, international sales director of Steeles Pots and Pans, gets her deals done and fucks a whole lot along the way.
Here are some of the funniest lines from the books.
1. "Again, he slowly entered Belinda's pussy. He felt like a man revisiting the house where he had grown up as a child. Everything was the same, but different."
2. "I'm Christina, and here's my ass!"
—"Amsterdammmm" (Book 2, Chapter 2)
3. "I also want to personally thank Sir James Godwin for letting us have this opportunity to raise much-needed money for our local charity, The Asses and Donkeys Trust."
—"The Tombola" (Book 1, Chapter 7)
4. "She took him completely into her mouth, tasting the flesh of mankind."
—"Goedenavond Peter" (Book 2, Chapter 5)
5. "Belinda regained her composure as best she could. 'Good heavens, that was a powerful portion of sex! I'm as hot as a half-fucked fox in a forest fire.'"
6. "Half the world away, Belinda and Bella were behind bars and in chains. They hadn't slept a blink. 'What was this even about?' wondered Bella. 'God, this is about so much,' thought Belinda."
—"Two Clits in the Clink" (Book 5, Chapter 12)
7. "Her nipples hardened with her feeling of freedom and they were now as large as the three-inch rivets which had held the hull of the faithful Titanic together."
—"The Duchess Comes Clean" (Book 1, Chapter 12)
8. "Marko Ourigues was Brazilian, and he knew it."
—"Accident or Emergency?" (Book 3, Chapter 5)
9. "Tony ambled to his handsome Jaguar, Sir James limped to his groovy Rolls Royce, and the Duchess mounted her beautiful horse, Toffee Apple Chew."
—"The Wicked-ish Bisch" (Book 4, Chapter 13)
10. "Bella provided the vagina, Belinda provided the boobs, and Spoons provided the meat to complete the private part picnic."
11. "The butler shouted, 'Avance' once more, and red suited valets appeared in unison and cleared the floor of all the discarded garments. Unbeknown to the contestants, the club would immediately send them all to a charity organization for distribution to its shops throughout Belgium."
—"A Fucking Good Time" (Book 3, Chapter 8)
12. "A ferry ride later, Belinda was in the office of Cosmo Macaroon's agent, Cornelius Kettle."
—"Star Crossed Lovin'" (Book 5, Chapter 10)
13. "Slowly, inch by inch, Jim continued his penetration of Belinda's vagina. He felt her cervix muscles expand as he pushed through to her ovaries."
—"Jim's Secret" (Book 2, Chapter 15)
14. "It suddenly felt like X-Mas, and Belinda got up and started to microwave the mulled wine."
—"My Dad Wrote A Christmas Porno 1"
15. "Peter came, and Belinda sucked up the hot throthy white liquid semen. She adored the salt, and it saved her from having to eat too many high protein peanuts."
16. "Her vaginal lids popped open and her labial pinkness was there for them to assess."
—"The Job Interview" (Book 1, Chapter 1)
17. "As things on our dear planet called world happen at the same time but in different places, things were happening in East Berlin right there and now."
—"Smiffy" (Book 5, Chapter 5)
18. "She could see her grade three bassoon teacher, Mrs. Huddlesbird, knocking back shots with Nelson Mandela."
—"The Aftermath" (Book 5, Chapter 1)
19. "Belinda pulled him over to the bed and started to stimulate his monster dick with her hand. As she did so, some of the skin fell to the ground."
—"Jim's Secret" (Book 2, Chapter 15)
20. "'Good God,' she thought, and then remembered she was on hallowed ground. 'Sorry God, but, I really didn't think so many people would be here.' God nodded. Even he was surprised if truth be told."
21. "Your reputation precedes you, Ms. Blumenthal. The second I saw your tits in the wing mirror, I knew it was the queen of pots and pans."
—"Accident or Emergency?" (Book 3, Chapter 5)
22. "In fact, everyone here today will go home with a nonstick tin wok. Look under your seats!"
—"London; Thursday 15.55 Local Time" (Book 3, Chapter 1)
23. "The pace picked up, Jim's cock was rubbing her clit just right, and Belinda gave into nature, not once, but twice, before the inevitable blue ejaculation cut across her dreams."
—"Jim's Secret" (Book 2, Chapter 15)
24. "Five minutes later, she pulled up beside a 1950s de Havilland transport plane, still sporting ex-military insignia. Hazel had managed to squeeze the glee team into the remaining free space of the cargo hold. The transport plane was already full to the brim with the weekend editions of The Guardian magazine, due for distribution throughout the Costa del Sol for Sunday morning."
—"Cock-A-Doodle-Flew" (Book 3, Chapter 11)
25. And, "Her tits hung freely, like pomegranates."
