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    50 "New Girl" Jokes That Are Some Of The Funniest Of All Time, Ranked

    #39: "I can make any kind of balloon animal, as long as it's a worm or a snake."

    50. The A+ insult.

    Jess says, I might as well call you Bridge to Terabithia because you make children cry
    Elizabeth Meriwether Pictures / 20th Century Fox Television

    49. The talking to.

    Winston says, Ain't no way in hell I got a cat brothel going on in my room and I'm the only normal person in this loft
    Elizabeth Meriwether Pictures / 20th Century Fox Television

    48. The baby name.

    Winston says, Everybody meet Dan Bill Bishop, Jess asks, Daniel William, Winston says, No, Schmidt asks, Is Bill the middle name, Winston says, No, Aly says, Tell em you're kidding, Winston says, I'm not kidding, it's Dan Bill Bishop, and Aly asks, What
    Elizabeth Meriwether Pictures / 20th Century Fox Television

    47. The "studying."

    Nick says, But he's using that to study for his police academy test and he is not to be disturbed, and we see Winston making a paper snowflake in his room, then we see that his room is covered in paper snowflakes and he says, not enough, not enough
    Elizabeth Meriwether Pictures / 20th Century Fox Television

    46. The old man.

    Winston says, Anything's funny when you put an old man in it, except for the ground
    Elizabeth Meriwether Pictures / 20th Century Fox Television

    45. The mean comment.

    Reagan says, "I hope that the Chicago Cubs win the World Series while you're in a coma," and Nick says, "That's one of the meanest things anybody has ever said to me"
    Elizabeth Meriwether Pictures / 20th Century Fox Television

    44. The pickup line.

    Coach says, Just say something to her, Nick says, Yeah, just say something to her, and Winston says, Shawty, what that thang do, Coach says, No, and all the men look upset
    Elizabeth Meriwether Pictures / 20th Century Fox Television

    43. The bowl.

    Nick takes noodles out of Russell's bowl and Jess says, Nick, don't eat his noodles, to which Nick says, Yeah, but we're bowl brothers now
    Elizabeth Meriwether Pictures / 20th Century Fox Television

    42. The type.

    Jess says, You know me, I'm only attracted to guys who are afraid of success and think someone famous stole their idea
    Elizabeth Meriwether Pictures / 20th Century Fox Television

    41. The lotion.

    Nick says, They should make more foot lotion for your hand, foot lotion hand
    Elizabeth Meriwether Pictures / 20th Century Fox Television

    40. The reading level.

    Nick says, I'm not convinced I know how to read, I've just memorized a lot of words
    Elizabeth Meriwether Pictures / 20th Century Fox Television

    39. The balloon animal skills.

    Jess says, I'm great at parties, I can make any kind of balloon animal, as long as it's a worm or a snake
    Elizabeth Meriwether Pictures / 20th Century Fox Television

    38. The earshot.

    An old man says to Nick, Looks like you got old-man back, welcome to the club, and Nick says, Looks like a cool club, then he says to Winston Ugh, you hear that, and Winston says, Yeah, I'm sitting closer than you
    Elizabeth Meriwether Pictures / 20th Century Fox Television

    37. The yardstick.

    Aly says, I'm not gonna be the yardstick in a penis measuring contest, Nick says, Did you say yard, and Winston says, Wow, who are you dating
    Elizabeth Meriwether Pictures / 20th Century Fox Television

    36. The cherries.

    Nick says, Jess, have you seen, uh, uh, cherries, and Jess says, I'm so confused by your question that I'm just gonna answer it, uh, directly, Yes, I've seen them
    Elizabeth Meriwether Pictures / 20th Century Fox Television

    35. The sore from police academy incident.

    Winton says, I can't close my ass, and Jess, Coach, and Nick all look confused
    Elizabeth Meriwether Pictures / 20th Century Fox Television

    34. The Julius Pepperwood disguise.

    Nick, as Julius Pepperwood, says, How you guys doing, I'm Julius Pepperwood, I'm an ex-cop, ex-Marine, I'm here to learn how to write short fiction, I'm from Chicago, Thin crust pizza, No, thank you, I'm from Chicago
    Elizabeth Meriwether Pictures / 20th Century Fox Television

    33. The declaration at Schmidt's "re-branding event" (party), which he threw to celebrate that his penis was no longer broken.

    Schmidt is dancing and says, Yes, my penis is working
    Elizabeth Meriwether Pictures / 20th Century Fox Television

    32. The mashed potatoes.

    Reagan asks, Is that a bowl of mashed potatoes under your bed, and Winston says, May god help us if it's not
    Elizabeth Meriwether Pictures / 20th Century Fox Television

    31. The yarn.

    Nick picks up a huge spool of yarn and says, What is this, Jess says, Yarn Nick says, What are you knitting, a mansion
    Elizabeth Meriwether Pictures / 20th Century Fox Television

    30. The response to Schmidt's fish tank.

    Jess asks, Schmidt, an aquarium, when did you become a Bond villain that couldn't afford not to live with roommates
    Elizabeth Meriwether Pictures / 20th Century Fox Television

    29. The date recap.

    Schmidt says, How was your date, Jess says, It was great, and then it was disastrous, Schmidt says, Oh, so you had sex with him, Jess says, No, the opposite, and Schmidt asks, The opposite, so you gave birth to him
    Elizabeth Meriwether Pictures / 20th Century Fox Television

    28. The drug movie.

    Cece walks in on Jess putting meth down the shower drain and says, Jessica, what are you doing, you do not put drugs down the shower drain, have you never seen a drug movie before, and Jess says, I don't know, I saw Ray
    Elizabeth Meriwether Pictures / 20th Century Fox Television

    27. The specific moccasins.

    Schmidt says, Dammit, I can't find my driving moccasins anywhere
    Elizabeth Meriwether Pictures / 20th Century Fox Television

    26. The puzzle.

    Winston, while doing a puzzle, asks, Hey, Schmidt, what do you think it's going to look like, to which Schmidt says, What do I think it's going to look like, Winston, it's on the box, the picture's on the box, it's a Japanese garden
    Elizabeth Meriwether Pictures / 20th Century Fox Television

    25. The smoothness Winston has on the phone, exemplified by when he pretended to be Schmidt.

    Winston, on the phone, says, Did you know that my name was an acronym, Uhu, Schmidt, Some can have money, I desire thoughtfulness
    Elizabeth Meriwether Pictures / 20th Century Fox Television

    24. The break-in.

    A child says, A white man broke in today, Schmidt says, A white man, no, well, what did security do about it, the child says, Nothing, and Schmidt yells, Typical
    Elizabeth Meriwether Pictures / 20th Century Fox Television

    23. The horse lesson.

    Nick says, You better learn how to ride a polo horse, and Winston says, It's actually a polio horse, originally they were bred as helper horses for people with polio, but I don't think anything of what I just said was correct
    Elizabeth Meriwether Pictures / 20th Century Fox Television

    22. The arcade.

    Schmidt says, Now you got Schmidt all cranked up, and Nick asks, You're cranked up, and Schmidt says, Yeah, I gotta go to the arcade now and blow off steam
    Elizabeth Meriwether Pictures / 20th Century Fox Television

    21. The diss.

    Cece says to Jess, Did you wash your hair, it looks really clean, and all of the women around gasp, including Jess
    Elizabeth Meriwether Pictures / 20th Century Fox Television

    20. The two-for-one joke of the jeans.

    Schmidt says, I can never write my vows right now, I can barely even spell my own name, S, Jeans, is that right, is jeans not a letter, it feels like a letter to me and then he says, Jeans isn’t a letter, jeans is pants
    Elizabeth Meriwether Pictures / 20th Century Fox Television

    19. The mousetrap.

    In reference to a doll holding a hammer on the floor, Jess says, Yeah, he's not fooling anyone, You think just cause he's a snappy dresser the mice don't see the hammer, Mice come from all over the building to laugh at that dummy witch
    Elizabeth Meriwether Pictures / 20th Century Fox Television

    18. The four-for-one of the jerk.

    Jess says, First of all, he's a street artist, second of all, he called a scotch on the rocks a sco ro, he has a tattoo that just says Warrior Poet, He tipped the waiter with a sketch of a hip hop mouse
    Elizabeth Meriwether Pictures / 20th Century Fox Television

    17. The infuriating and frightening truth.

    Schmidt says, God, I hate that you knit, I hate everything about it, Jess asks, Why, and Schmidt says, It makes me angry and scared all at the same time, just like when I hear the phrase, Academy Award-winner, Anna Paquin
    Elizabeth Meriwether Pictures / 20th Century Fox Television

    16. The forgotten word.

    Nick says, I'm very quick on my, uh, he thinks, and Schmidt says, Did you just forget the word feet
    Elizabeth Meriwether Pictures / 20th Century Fox Television

    15. The trash talking of beans.

    Schmidt says, Beans are nothing but soggy nuts
    Elizabeth Meriwether Pictures / 20th Century Fox Television

    14. The way a panicking Nick asked someone if they wanted a grape.

    Nick says, Would you like a green grape shoved in your, given to your mouth, handed to your mouth
    Elizabeth Meriwether Pictures / 20th Century Fox Television

    13. The reaction to a spider in the loft.

    Schmidt is standing on a table holding the light fixture and says, There it is, it's right there, it's licking its lips
    Elizabeth Meriwether Pictures / 20th Century Fox Television

    12. The description.

    Winston says, He said she ugly, Jess says, He said what, and Winston says, He said she looks like a dang 'ol meatball with hair
    Elizabeth Meriwether Pictures / 20th Century Fox Television

    11. The cookie meltdown.

    Nick says, You gave me a cookie, I gave you a cookie, you gave me a cookie, gave you cookie, gave me cookie, got you cookie, you gave me cookie, I got you cookie, man, gave me cookie, got you cookie
    Elizabeth Meriwether Pictures / 20th Century Fox Television

    10. The lemon confession.

    Nick says, When I was 10, I once walked by my mother sleeping and I snuck in the room and I put a lemon in her mouth
    Elizabeth Meriwether Pictures / 20th Century Fox Television

    9. The Thursday.

    Coach says, You've never been turned on by gas mileage before, Winton says, Once, Schmidt asks, When was that, Winston says, It was a Thursday, that's all I remember, Schmidt asks, A Thursday, Winston says, Yeah, and Schmidt glares at him
    Elizabeth Meriwether Pictures / 20th Century Fox Television

    8. The drumroll.

    Schmidt says, Ladies and gentlemen, drumroll, please, Nick and Jess do a tom-tom and a cymbal, Schmidt says, Cut, cut, Nick, snare drum, I shouldn't have to specify, Jess, that was a cymbal, and Jess says, Cymbals are part of the drum kit
    Elizabeth Meriwether Pictures / 20th Century Fox Television

    7. The attempt at being comforting when Cece revealed she had never seen her fiancé's genitals.

    Jess says, If he's using it right, no one's seeing his penis
    Elizabeth Meriwether Pictures / 20th Century Fox Television

    6. The idea of sexy.

    Jess asks, You want my purses to be covered in gem stones, and Nick says, All guys do, that's what we think is sexy, we want to be playing a saxophone in an alley and have you walk by in a mini skirt with a purse with gems, but you girls don't listen
    Elizabeth Meriwether Pictures / 20th Century Fox Television

    5. The sauce.

    Winston asks, You put bologna in your Bolognese, and Nick says, Where else would it get its name, trick question, it gets it from the mayonnaise
    Elizabeth Meriwether Pictures / 20th Century Fox Television

    4. The names of Nick's testicles.

    Winston says, You've named your testicles, and they're both named Sharon, and Nick says, Yeah, so what
    Elizabeth Meriwether Pictures / 20th Century Fox Television

    3. The love scene in the novel Fred Armisen's character was writing.

    Schmidt reacts to the following words Fred Armisen's character reads, As his electric car powered down, he saw her virgin breasts glowing in the Alabama light, she said, Which to see, left or right, I said, Left, She showed him, it was big like a Cadillac
    Elizabeth Meriwether Pictures / 20th Century Fox Television

    There's also the moment after this where Armisen says, "The parakeet was still in the room, but it turned out to be a welcome addition to the games at hand." When Schmidt and Nick don't get that one, Armisen is fine to let go of it because "I have no emotional connection."

    2. The 10-minute joke about squirrels.

    Jess says, Bearclaw just told me a 10 minute joke about squirrels with the punchline, Eat these nuts
    Elizabeth Meriwether Pictures / 20th Century Fox Television

    1. And finally, the fact that the song that gets Nick pumped is "Cotton-Eyed Joe."

    In a car, Nick fist bumps and mimes the fiddle in Cotton-Eyed Joe, and Jess says, Why did you need me for this, Nick
    Elizabeth Meriwether Pictures / 20th Century Fox Television

    Honorable mentions for these five scenes I would never dare do anything but include in full.

    The sponge scene.

    View this video on YouTube

    Elizabeth Meriwether Pictures / 20th Century Fox Television

    Schmidt and Sadie's discussion of how to sexually pleasure someone with a vagina.

    View this video on YouTube

    Elizabeth Meriwether Pictures / 20th Century Fox Television

    Theodore K. Mullins.

    View this video on YouTube

    Elizabeth Meriwether Pictures / 20th Century Fox Television

    The "you can't teach people how to write" moment, which Jake Johnson (Nick) delivers flawlessly.

    View this video on YouTube

    Elizabeth Meriwether Pictures / 20th Century Fox Television

    And, of course, the scene where Jess thinks they're talking about Cece and Nick thinks they're talking about a popcorn machine.

    View this video on YouTube

    Elizabeth Meriwether Pictures / 20th Century Fox Television

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