I grew up reading the Archie comics religiously. Until today, I had never watched a single minute of Riverdale but I was familiar with The CW from watching Vampire Diaries. Below are some of my honest reactions to Chapter One: The River's Edge, which quite frankly, has changed me.
For the record, I truly don't know the major plot points of this show because I never cared to know before. I literally just typed my thoughts as they popped into my head while watching this. Enjoy!
1.Opening exposition, here we go!
2.The town with PEP? It sure doesn't look like it.
3.Ok who goes on a boat ride in THOSE outfits?
4.Shoot, some people did NOT like Jason Blossom.
5.Ok his death story seems plausible…I guess?
6.Betty needs to show me how to perfect the high pony. All I’ve ever gotten are LIES.
7.Archie….is an angsty singer/songwriter? Ok, I'll roll with it.
8.This feels very High School Musical – music or sports? CAN’T DO BOTH!
9.Archie looking at Veronica is me looking at a Publix Sub Sandwich.
10.They’re only supposed to be sophomores? Sure, Jan.
11.Bettys mom needs to take a Xanax.
12.What happened to Polly Cooper???
13.This is where the Jason Blossom animosity comes in. Got it.
14.Betty probably needs her Adderall just to deal with her mom. Jeez.
15.“Did you tap some cougar ass this summer?” HE’S LIKE 16 STOP IT!!!!!
16.Why are 16-year-olds asking about nightclubs and strip clubs? I’m disturbed.
17.Oooohhh Veronica’s dad has a shady past. Of course he does.
18.Josie and the Pussycats!
19.“You’re staring at our Pussycat ears and that’s rude”. Girl calm down. You’re wearing cat ears.
20.JUSTIN GINGERLAKE? I’m speechless.
21.What is going on between Archie and Ms. Grundy…
22.Oh. My. God.
23.SCANDAL.
24.Is…is that considered statutory rape???
25.Ahhh there is a history between Archie’s dad and Veronica’s mom. They’ll definitely have a thing now.
26.I am LOVING the exposition in this script.
27.Veronica’s dad on trial for fraud and embezzlement? I wouldn’t necessarily characterize that as being the devil incarnate.
28.Cheryl seems…nice.
29.The River Vixens? I can’t WAIT to see this.
30.“Follow me on twitter and I’ll do the same”. NO ONE says that.
31.“You should be the queen bae of this drab hive.” WHO WRITES THIS AND WHY HAVE THEY NOT WON AN EMMY?
32.Ohhhhh so Archie and Ms. Grundy are in quite the pickle.
33.Why couldn’t just ONE of them say they were on an early morning jog and heard a gunshot?
34.Veronica’s big finish is kissing Betty? I don’t get it. Am I supposed to get this?
35.This tension between Cheryl and Betty is super cringy and I am here for it.
36.Awh Betty is being the bigger person. Team Betty!
37.Is Cheryl a sociopath?
38.Veronica calling out Cheryl! Yas girl!
39.“You wanted fire? My specialty’s ice.” CHILLS.
40.I have to say, I’m digging the cheerleader outfits. Very classic.
41.So, Betty has a serious grudge against her mom. Explains a lot.
42.Betty, sweetie. WHAT ARE YOU DOING? Go to the dance with “both of us”? WRONG.
43.Betty standing up to her mom! Go girl!
44.Mysterious missing bag…WITH CASH?
45.We are over halfway into this show and we have yet to see the friendship between Archie and Jughead that is so iconic to the comics.
46.Are they even friends? They need to be friends like they are in the comics and this is the hill I will fight for and die on.
47.Am I watching Troy Bolton telling his dad he doesn’t know if he wants to play basketball or Archie Andrews telling his dad he doesn’t know if he wants to play football?
48.Archie’s dad is much more understanding than Coach Bolton.
49.“His name may be Moose but I would describe a certain appendage of his as ‘horse-like’”. I just gagged.
50.“I won’t tell anyone about July 4th. Ever.” Prediction: Archie tells someone by the end of the next episode.
51.“To know them is to be obsessed with them.” Omg I didn’t realize the Jonas Brothers were performing.
52.I hope to NEVER know if there was a song I was conceived to.
53.Yikes. I feel like this night is not going to go well for Betty.
54.What tf is Cheryl planning for this afterparty? What chaos?
55.“Let’s see who’s riding the ginger stallion tonight.” This script is legendary.
56.Let me guess – Veronica and Archie end up together. He and Betty have no chemistry and it’s super forced. Also, I don’t live under a rock and I already know Betty and Jughead get together.
57.Now…KISS.
58.“She spiraled and fled.” Literally me after I’ve been in Sephora too long and realize I can’t afford everything in my basket.
59.I ADORE Veronica’s mom’s nail color. Definitely taking a still shot to bring to the nail salon.
60.Ok, is Jughead the creepy loner/blogger of this town? How ORIGINAL.
61.HOLD UP. Jason was captain of the water polo team and he allegedly DROWNED? Suspicious.
62.Ok, Archie. Be honest! Speak your truth.
63.“I’ll never be good enough for you” is SO OVERUSED.
64.Welp found Jason. Shot in the head. Would’ve been nice if ARCHIE AND MS. GRUNDY HAD REPORTED GUNSHOTS.
65.Cheryl is suspect #1, right?
66.If Cheryl is not the first arrest Jughead is referring to, I will be livid.
Final thoughts: while it was absolutely cringe-worthy at times, I did find myself very entertained. Riverdale, you've got yourself another viewer.
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