We recently asked LGBTQIA+ members of the BuzzFeed Community to tell us what questions they had about dating as a queer person. Below are some of the most asked and unique submissions.
How can I better navigate dating when there are so many major stressors in the world? How can I prioritize dating and myself as I move through such emotionally demanding times?
Moe Ari Brown: I encourage you to prioritize your mental health and well-being, especially during stressful times. The more you can pour into yourself through cultivating balance, the more you will be able to navigate the dating scene from a whole and centered perspective. One way to do this is to limit the amount of time you spend taking in stressful information and counterbalance that with some actively positive time, like indulging in your favorite activity and doing something intentional for yourself. Overall, taking care of yourself emotionally, physically, and spiritually can be a necessary buffer from stress so that you can remain present with your romantic interests.
How do ace people date? I’m in the process of figuring out if I’m on the asexual spectrum, but I also am interested in dating and connecting with people. How do I do that while respecting everyone’s needs and boundaries?
Moe Ari Brown: Many asexual people enjoy a full dating life that consists of romantic attractions and relationships that do not culminate in sex. It’s essential to be direct from the beginning of any new connection about asexuality and what it currently means to you.
One conversation I recommend you have early on is about your boundaries. This discussion alleviates misunderstandings about the possibility of sex. It’s also okay to say that you are still figuring out what dating might look like. Still, you’re hoping to explore and evolve together.
It can sometimes feel like queer men prioritize sex over getting to know someone. How do I establish that I'm looking for genuine connection *in addition to* fulfilling sexual experiences?
Moe Ari Brown: I find that when people prioritize sex over an emotional connection, they often desire intimacy and closeness, without potentially having the ability to determine the difference between sexual and emotional intimacy. It might be that people are prioritizing intimacy in the way they know how to access it, often through sex.
One way you can navigate this is telling your dates early on that your intentions for dating include emotional intimacy and that you highly prioritize it when you’re starting to get to know someone. Then you can invite them to share what they prioritize.
As someone who recently came out, how do I not feel embarrassed to relay my inexperience to people I'm dating?
Moe Ari Brown: Congratulations on taking such an exciting leap in your journey! I like to think of dating a new person as a new experience. Each person is unique and has lived experiences that are special to them. In this way, we are all inexperienced when dating a new person. I invite you to lean into the novelty of your romantic connection and allow yourself to enjoy learning more about yourself and others through the dating process.
I really don't know where I stand on the spectrum, but I know that I'm probably queer. How can I go on dates with other queer people and be honest about my identity at the same time?
Moe Ari Brown: Exactly what you wrote to me is what you can say to new romantic connections. This kind of vulnerability invites more intentionality and clarity from the beginning. Ultimately, you can know that you are attracted to someone without knowing exactly how you identify concerning gender or sexual orientation.
The dating process can help us to understand ourselves more deeply if we pay attention to how we respond, what we are feeling, and what we are learning about ourselves along the way.
I get soooo nervous before dates that I want to cancel them — and sometimes I actually do. What would you recommend to help mitigate this anxiety?
Moe Ari Brown: First, I want to empathize with your dating anxiety! It’s such a common experience — 76% of Hinge users have felt nervous or anxious before a date.
I encourage you to explore what would make you more comfortable. Once you mitigate stressors, you will be more able to use tools for grounding, like pre-date meditation, deep breathing, and mindfulness to regulate when you’re on your date.
Before your date, here are a couple of things to consider:
1. Are there spaces that make you feel more anxious? If so, try finding spaces that bring you joy. Some LGBTQIA+ people find predominantly queer spaces to be the safest as they begin dating new people and getting comfortable.
2. Are there clothing options that make you feel more confident? If you’re feeling any kind of gender dysphoria, paying attention to the clothing that brings you joy can mitigate extra stress by potentially offering gender euphoria.
How does Hinge stand out from other dating apps for the LGBTQIA+ community? Why pick Hinge?
Moe Ari Brown: There are a lot of exciting ways that Hinge is cultivating an inclusive community and celebrating LGBTQIA+ folks, on and off the app. First, Hinge continues to find new ways to help LGBTQIA+ users express themselves better on their profiles and see how compatible they are with others. This includes pronouns, sexual orientation options, more than 50 gender options, and the ability to write in your gender.
Earlier this year, Hinge added new prompts that help queer daters better connect based on similarities and interests. Additionally, our algorithm has a gender selection that includes “non-binary,” so that non-binary people are able to represent themselves while matching with others.
Off the app, Hinge has a continued commitment to supporting the mental health needs of the queer community. In May, Hinge launched the Mental Health Advocates of Tomorrow, a new education fund dedicated to increasing therapy access for BIPOC and LGBTQIA+ daters.
Imagery via Getty