Are You Really Eating That?

My uphill battle with self love and acceptance.

Photo creds: Me!

Have you ever had someone tell you that you didn't need to be eating something because it will eventually kill you?

Well join the club. Me (and the mouse) can both relate.

I think it all started when I was sixteen years of age. That comment had came from my parents, as I know they are so loving, it was drilled in my brain that I have to make sure what I consume would only and always be beneficial for my health. As the years went on into adulthood I realized that yes this is true, however I liked to live my life on more of the... well better lack for words, wild side.

Before the binge drinking, drug induced, Taco Bell ridden nights, lets back this up a bit.

I was in love. Madly, deeply, passionately in love...but with the wrong guy. Perhaps at the time it seemed like love. Love masked in unrealistic goals and the feeling of never being good enough. For him or for me.

Now most of you that are reading this are probably scratching your heads (or picking your nose-hey who doesn't enjoy a good knuckle deep one?).

For the most part it all seemed like a dream when I was with him. He had it all. The looks, car, job, and quality gentleman vibes. Im talking the old fashioned kind. Open the car door, pull out my seat, putting the napkin on my lap kind of swoon. He could cook great meals, knew how to dance, oh and did I mention he worked out? Yeah. A lot. Physical assets of a man was only just a plus in my book, but hey this was nice to look at.

There was only one thing. He was a class A narcissist. Perhaps I could have realized this sooner if I loved myself.

I kept saying "maybe if I loose ten more pounds he will love me more". At last, that never happened.. even after five, ten, twenty more pounds shed. All from not eating and going to the gym twice a day for two hours each time.

My mirror reflected my sadness, my body reflected a woman who was so absorbed in "ideal" body image.

And then, (drum roll please) he broke up with me.

Yes I hate to be that stereotypical girl of what I first became after a break up. Cut that hair! Drink those beers! Hook up with whoever! Yet here we are back to my original statement; Binge drinking, drug induced, Taco Bell ridden nights.

I fell apart. While finishing my last year in college I felt out of control. Everything I used to do I resented. Including going to the gym.

And it was at this moment in which I met my best friend, the love of my life, and now my husband.

He watched me fall, shatter, and pull myself back together again. He gave me the needle and I threaded my life back bit by bit.

After 150 pounds gained, I am now clinically overweight. Fat, chunky, flabby, saggy, husky, anything you name it. (For those of you who think you are doctors and to answer your questions that are floating in your mind- No I am not diabetic, my blood pressure is normal, and yes I can still feel beautiful). The one thing I am not anymore is scared. Scared to be fat. Scared to be unloved. Scared to feel undeserving.

Weight made me stronger mentally.

All by myself I learned how to love me. How to love who I am and what I stand for. I had to gain weight to realize my own worth while most feel the need to loose it in order to see that. Through this process I also lost friends. Or at least women who I thought where my friends. Fake friends will want to see you fail because there is a part of you that they envy. Seeing failure makes them feel more secure about their own insecurities and that, my friends, (no pun intended) is sad.

I can now focus on how to redirect my health- not by going to the gym an insane amount of times, or under-eating. Not by binge drinking and burrito stuffing my face.

Once I found my love, I found my peace.

I am currently fat and I am in love with all foods. Especially the healthy ones. I recently started my journey with my husband on creating a new lifestyle that is consuming foods that are beneficial for our body.

​ Inspired by new and exciting recipes to cook it is a fantastic journey thus far. I understand that with our new lifestyle we (more than likely) will loose weight, however that is not my main concern anymore. It is about how I feel inside and outside.

Are you really eating that? Why yes, yes I am, and I will eat however I please.

My Inspiration

Instagram's famous logo / Via google.com

​So where did I get my massive huevos (not talking about real eggs) to share my personal story with the world? Social media can be a beautiful thing. It has all led you to this page, which inspired me from all the strong and beautiful body positive women. I found all of them on Instagram. Instagram is "a free, online photo-sharing application and social network platform that was acquired by Facebook in 2012" (quoted by Margaret Rouse founded from a brief google search).

A huge part of me was tremendously inspired each and every day following these women who work hard to prove to others that It is okay to love who you are no matter what size.

Loving yourself is a life long journey. Some journeys will lead you to bigger and better objectives than you could possibly imagine, other journeys will take you down a self destructive path until you realize that you are the best thing since sliced bread.

Before I delve into the multiple women that I look up to on a daily basis, there is a question they all put up for challenge on their social media, and it is this;

Why is weight associated with happiness and beauty?

To come to a valid response to this question I will have to tell you more about my life. Feel free to take a pee break, pop some popcorn, and relax.

​I have Hashimoto's disease. I was diagnosed with it when I was fifteen years old. It is a common disease that tends to affect more women than men -not saying men can't get it too but you know, us women can have it hard. It can be brought on genetically as well.

Now, I am no doctor but I will tell you, it affects everything. Hair loss, weight, anxiety, depression, you name it. Here is a link for those of you medical nerds who want to learn more about it (don't worry, it won't make you think you are dying in five days like most medical websites).

https://www.thyroid.org/hashimotos-thyroiditis/

I went for a regular check up. This was after the whole, "my life is falling apart because my boyfriend broke up with me, phase". I was right at about 200 pounds at this time. I had more anxiety about what this doctor would scold me on versus the actual health of my thyroid. (Funny, right?)

In the ultra sound room where he was checking for any mysterious nodules, he decided to give me that lecture that I was dreading on hearing. Of course, it was about my weight.

Many things don't bother me, however it was something about this statement that rubbed me the wrong way.

He said "you are a beautiful girl. Not everyone will see that if you keep gaining the weight that you have been. People will make fun of you, and you will be depressed".

Why can't I be overweight and beautiful? Why can't I be happy? Why can't I just live my damn life and make sure my thyroid doesn't have any nodules without getting told on how I should feel and what I should do about my appearance.

​ My answer to that is this- Do what makes you feel the most beautiful inside and out, and do it for you and only you.

Also (side note)- why is a doctor calling me beautiful?

A little creeped out.

The women

I now present to you the seven women whom I have discovered throughout my journey of self love, who have inspirationally and mentally, pushed me to feel the love that I always had inside of myself.

Alexandra Thomas

Alexandra Thomas / Via Instagram

Alex was the first woman who I stumbled upon in the very beginning of my journey. I found her on youtube and within seconds hit that subscribe button. I found her when I was feeling sad. After a few hours of watching her videos I felt uplifted, and certainly more hopeful.

Her Instagram feed is beautiful, filled with amazing stylish outfits and great makeup.

Anna O'Brien

Anna O'Brien / Via Instagram

Anna has to be one of the boldest, bravest plus woman that I came across on Instagram. I slowly became very obsessed with her posts because not only are her outfits always rockin but she loves to write, and I love to write, and I want to be her best friend.

Tess Holliday

Tess Holliday / Via Instagram

Tess Holliday (or known as Tess Munster) is a icon for beautiful plus women models. She puts the "OW" in fire, I don't know how she does it but I am straight and looking at her photos make me question otherwise (LOL, slightly just kidding).

Megan Crabbe

Megan Crabbe / Via Instagram

Okay so if you are completely new to body positive community, Megan is the girl to follow. She is very well known for uplifting women and self love. I find so much comfort and peace within her profile. She has before and after photos of her body and her story that greatly reflect the path that I have been on. When I discovered her she was a breath of fresh air. Finally, I found a woman who's journey and path is so similar to mine that I DON'T FEEL ALONE!

Corissa Enneking

Corissa Enneking / Via Instagram

Can I just say how freaking cool she is? She started out in passion for being different and now has her own clothing line in ALL shapes and sizes. Seeing her photos and reading her posts is another beautiful reminder to love yourself girl (or guy), and do it for you!

Hayley Herms

Hayley Herms / Via Instagram

Hayley, you really got it all! Just take a look at that bio. I love her profile for so many reasons but the one main one is for the fact of how she is truly fearless. Her confidence glows from her page and easily sucks you into her world. I have even day dreamed about being a plus model because of her amazing photos.

P.S - She has these hikes that she goes on with her fans promoting exercise and wellness! I would love to walk miles sweating my booty off knowing that I have my lead inspiration pushing me through that!

Whitney Thore

Whitney Thore / Via Instagram

As many of you already know, Whitney Thore is most famous for her TLC show "My Big Fat Fabulous Life". Of course, like most this is how I first found out about her. Watching her journey through TV was always inspiring seeing how she portrays her life on a day-to-day basis as a "fat" woman.

I had the pleasure of meeting her once from photographing her at a crossfit event that took place in Greensboro, NC. After I met her all I wanted to do was hang out with her. We have so much in common, just like Anna O'Brien- Can we please be friends?!