We don't choose our families — and in some cases, it can be healthier to cut off members of our family entirely. Recently, Reddit user Alarming_Basil6205 asked, "People who cut off their family, what did they [do] to you?" and the answers are horrifying and heartbreaking — but they might help you recognize toxic behavior in your own family or understand a friend's situation better. Read on to see why people went no-contact with family members.
NOTE: this post contains mentions of child abuse, suicide, sexual assault, and eating disorders, though there are no graphic descriptions.
1. "My very Catholic grandmother was told that her very first great-grandchild (my brother’s kid) was on the way. Great news, except bro wasn’t married. So heaven forbid grandma’s bridge club — or worse, her congregation — find out she’d welcomed a bastard into the family. So the first words out of her mouth when she heard the news was 'I hope that child dies before it’s born.'"
"I guess despite abortion being a no-no, wishing a child dies in utero is ok to devout Catholics. .. None of us have seen nor spoken to her for the last 19 years. Gotta say, I don’t miss her."
2. "My cousin (still a 12-year-old child at this point) lost both her parents and the family had to help her sell her parental house. Long story short, one of my aunts secretly sold the house without telling anyone and kept the profit ($250K) for herself."
"Everyone thought the house was still up for sale until the real estate agent informed my cousin's actual guardian (a different aunt) that my other aunt had sold the house and he thought it was sketchy.
Good news though — my aunt was sued. [She] had to pay everything back and the 250K was directly deposited into my cousin's bank account. And my aunt received an additional 50k fine she had to pay my cousin and guardian aunt for emotional damage. We do not speak about this aunt anymore.
How it was even possible in the first place ... They had secret house viewings, found a buyer, had the new buyers sign forged papers, my evil aunt forged [the other aunt's] signature, had the new buyers deposit the money directly to their bank account, gave the new buyers the green light to move in, went to the real estate agent and said 'we don't need you anymore, we already sold it, and here you see [other aunt] signed as well.'
That is where the real estate agent thought it was sketchy and thought to call [the other aunt] to 'thank her for the collaboration and wish her well now that it is sold.'
... My evil aunt said she needed some money and her husband was good with finances, so 'they could borrow the money, whilst my uncle would borrow the rest of the money, turn it into stock, and make profit to pay the borrowed money back'. So the judge asked how much profit they intended to make before telling anyone about their scheme...
'Well if you think making 50k in profit was worth stealing and lying to a 12yo orphaned niece of yours, that is what you will pay her in extra.'
They never actual made any profit due to the short time period. But the family took over his investment plan, secured part of my cousin's inheritance, and used a smaller part of her inheritance to invest so that my cousin could have extra passive income for the rest of her life."
3. "My sister tried killing me, my dad, and both my dogs on Thanksgiving because I was driving five miles below the speed limit on a dark windy country road. She was in a hurry to get back to her 'boyfriend' (drug dealer) which was why we headed back home the day of [Thanksgiving] despite only getting there at, like, noon and it being a four-hour drive back. So she grabbed the wheel and tried running us off the road. After the incident, we pulled over at a gas station where she insisted she drive the rest of the way back despite having smoked two blunts of k2 [synthetic marijuana] while I was driving. When I declined to let her she punched my big dog, then my dad stepped in and said he would drive (middle ground I guess), so she tried throwing my small dog out the window of the moving car. I disowned her that day and she STILL thinks that it's some kind of joke. Some people are just shit through and through."
4. "[My] grandmother told me that’s what I get for having children out of wedlock when my infant son died. Yeeted her ass right out the front door, have not spoken to her in about 10 years. From what I’ve heard from an uncle she is dying of a brain tumor — could not happen to a more deserving person."
5. "I was 10 years old. I was given to a 34-year-old man to be his third wife. My parents were so happy because it was a great 'honor' to them that I was chosen out of all of the girls there to be with the man that was second in charge. I was smuggled out a month before my thirteenth birthday."
"Was deprogrammed [from the FLDS Church], tried to end my own life when I was 16 because of what I went through. I'm still alive. I'll be 49 this year. I don't know if my parents are even alive."
6. "[My family] locked me in the basement with no food, no electronics other than a CD player, no outside communication at all, just the same books I read over and over again — including but not limited to Sexual Homicide: Patterns and Motives by John E. Douglas, Anne Burgess, and Robert Ressler. This started at age 13 until I ran away from my father and stepmother at 14. I'm currently polite to my mother because I'm financially dependent on her, but once I'm not, I'm cutting her off as well. She sent me to conversion therapy when I was 16 and not only refuses to apologize, but she also said she'd do it again."
7. "I asked my parents to either get the COVID shot or the COVID test before they came to visit my husband who had stage three cancer and was going through his twelfth week of chemo. They lied — my husband got sick right after they left. It was touch and go for days and he pulled through. Come to find out my parents were sick and [when] I asked them about it they told me it wasn't my right to ask them to be tested. My husband, whom they have known since 1986, wasn't worth honesty."
8. "They threatened my life and then reported me to my country's officials for being a 'runaway' (I was 26), a heathen, a whore, and (I wish this was a joke) a witch. All are crimes in my country. So yes. I have nothing to do with them anymore."
"My country is a religious autocracy. I am doing a lot better without them. Healing and living."
9. "I had a baby when I was 16. Because I was so young, I had to continue living with my parents along with the baby. When I turned 18, my parents encouraged me to go off to college and said they would look after the baby while I was gone and then, I could 'have' my child when I finished school. Of course, I visited my child all the time, but my parents and my sister started a smear campaign against me, stating that I was a terrible mother who abandoned her child. I knew things were being said, but I didn’t realize it came from the people who were closest to me. I didn’t really find out the level of cruelty until I finished school and wanted to resume care for my child."
"My parents got a lawyer and threatened to make my life hell if I didn’t walk away. I was broke, young, and naïve so I walked away. It’s one of the biggest regrets of my life but I cut them off. I had to for my own sanity. My child and I have a great relationship now. Despite everything my parents did and the lies they told to keep their grip on my child, my child figured it all out on their own. They realized the truth."
10. "My great uncle sexually abused his own granddaughter. My great aunt (his wife) took his side as well as some other family members, so cut off contact with these family members from my paternal side. Also, I ruined his life."
"He was convicted for sexual abuse of a minor, ... but he got probation. Which is unbelievable in my opinion, but the judge said [it was] because he'd never committed a crime before. Disgusting, I know.
So my great uncle, let's call him Billy, continued to live his life after his conviction like before. He was very engaged in a local welfare organization in our small town. A family-oriented one: so they organized summer [activities], Christmas parties, knitting groups for older ones, and so on. He was [a] volunteer but higher up in the organization — kind of a board member. He had lots of friends there and was a respected member.
... I decided to write a letter to my country's biggest newspaper. The one which goes for the big dramatic headlines. And that's kind of how I wrote it 'Board member of welfare organization who is a convicted pedophile is still organizing family events. Can we trust a pedophile around our kids?' ... And it worked! One week after sending it I got a call from my grandmother (who had no idea what I did). It was big in the newspapers; the one newspaper I sent it to nearly copied my letter and other newspapers just followed. But not only this — also the country's biggest news channels showed up on Billy's doorstep. ... News channels were looking for some stories and it blew up.
So now everyone knew and Billy was forced to quit as a volunteer and was publicly shamed. Nobody in the small town wanted anything to do with him, except my great-aunt and a few family members.
He grew up in this small town and lived there his whole life; [he'd] build up his whole life there. And after 70 years he had to move hundred of miles away. Last thing I heard he got dementia and now he sometimes my great aunt has to search hours for him as he drives around and gets lost. Dementia is cruel but he deserves it well."
11. "My dad got caught by an amateur To Catch a Predator-style group trying to trade sexual favors with a 15-year-old boy. I immediately cut him off and then very quickly cut off all of the rest of that side of my family because they wanted to sweep it under the rug and act like 'mistakes happen.' It’ll be two years in September."
12. "The nail in the coffin was the terrorizing of my wife and I's wedding planning. She reminded us on a regular basis that she wouldn't be coming to our wedding, then one day before the shower decided she didn't want to miss it. I involved her in every aspect of the planning the second she wanted to be involved. She started fights with every single family member who had already been helping us the whole time, leading up to the wedding. She made my father cancel the favors we had picked out together for a 'better' idea she had two weeks prior to the wedding. She made us come over one week before the wedding to help her finish making them."
"That night we helped her, she started an argument about how my grandfather (her dad) should get his own remembrance table, because he was more active in our lives than my wife's grandfather. I stayed calm, reminded her this wasn't a competition; it was my wedding, and we are having pictures of all the loved ones who have passed on a table with a candle and a sweet quote. She told my wife that she doesn't give a fuck about her side of the family and called her a bitch, she spit in my face and punched me in the chest. She ordered us to leave and told us she wouldn't be coming to the wedding. I refused to leave [and] pleaded with her to talk this out with us, so she called the police to have them remove us. My wife and I waited outside and spoke with the police — once we got home we received texts from her reiterating how she's not coming to the wedding. I begged for three days for us to talk things through, and she refused. My wife finally wrote a long heartfelt message telling my mother she was officially uninvited from the wedding.
We didn't hear a single word from her until the day of the wedding. She sent us texts two hours before the ceremony. Not one phone call. Not one visit (we live 10 minutes away). They were last-minute apologies, that only came out because real consequences happened. I turned my phone off before the ceremony. My mother-son dance was replaced with the DJ playing 'We Are Family' and everybody coming to the dance floor to dance.
... My life has only been on an upward trajectory since my wedding, and going no contact. I'm not going back."
13. "My dad died the day before Father's Day. She who birthed me openly disregarded every one of his final wishes, up to and including the place of burial. Since then I've gone full scorched earth. Nevermind the years of physical, psychological, and financial abuse meted out to the both of us all our lives. I was prepared to forgive her up to that point. For him. No. She called my father weak for not making his wishes known to her, and stated that mental illnesses were a hoax; a crutch for the weak. I informed her right then and there that I was no longer her child, and she can rot in that miserable mausoleum she calls a house. I am organizing a proper memorial service the way dad wanted."
"I've also been making covert trips taking everything of sentimental value from dad's upstairs apartment when she hasn't been home, and I have opened a separate bank account preparing for the day she dies — I'll have dad exhumed, and buried in the place he loved and wanted. I will make everything right that she has wronged, mark my words. She is dead to me, and anyone who stands with her is an enemy."
14. "[The rest of my family] treated my grandparents like shit and prevented them from having an acceptable end of life. The nail in the coffin of our relationship was when my uncle, their son, bought/stole their house for $85,000, which would've been an acceptable amount...in 1982. At this point, my grandparents were no longer legally able to consent to the sale, but he pretended they were. If he had bought the house for the price of the market, my grandparents would have had the means to live their remaining days in a proper home that offered acceptable care for elderly people. Instead, they died in some shithole residence that smelled like crap."
15. "I cut out my mother's side of the family. Her sister and brother made it their personal goal to financially ruin my parents. Then the other sister piled on. All three of them had been borrowing money from my grandparents for years and when the other sister sold my grandparent's house out from under them 'because they can't live on their own anymore' my grandparents were appalled when they were told by my aunt that she was putting them in a home. So they lived with my parents instead and the other siblings accused my parents of taking their inheritance. They harassed, stalked, and vandalized my parents' property until both grandparents were dead. I will never forgive them and hope their own children treat them as poorly as they treated my parents and grandparents."
"None of them bothered to visit [my grandmother at the end] except to try and get her to sign legal documents over to them. My mom was there every day, took her out until getting in and out of the car was too hard. Still went every day to sit with her up until the end."
16. "I was diagnosed with brain cancer and as a result, had surgery and radiation. A few days before my radiation, my partner of six years dumped me. My already estranged father used this as an opportunity to 'come care for his daughter.' What he actually did was come to town from out of state to leave his wife for another woman. He used my illness to leave his wife for another woman. Additionally, he was a racist. He posted hateful memes and photos all over his Facebook, specifically against immigrants."
"My now-husband is an immigrant and came to the US as a child. My father insisted he had a right to see our daughter when she was born. I wanted to remind him she was the daughter of an immigrant and so when he posted photos about feeding immigrants to alligators as border control, he was talking about his granddaughter’s father. He died before I could ever waste my breath. I’d say those are the top two reasons but I have a list."
17. "I cut out my entire side of my mom's family after her funeral. I was 17. Her family had always been a difficult bunch. My mom had a stalker at the time of her death; he claimed to the family he was her fiancé. And they believed him over me. Despite the restraining order and proof of abuse, they chose that man over me. So I cut them out. Them only contributing a $100 'donation' to the funeral costs really helped that decision also. She had three birth siblings and 12 adopted siblings, several aunts and uncles and cousins and they came up with $100 dollars? Fuck that and them."
"That was eight years ago. Last I heard, her stalker spent Christmas with them. So my choice feels validated."
18. "[I] lived with my brother for three months. Thanks to him stealing my food and eating everything in the apartment, I was often limited to a single can of creamed corn (the only thing we had that he wouldn't eat) a day. I lost 60 pounds in three months and still have health problems related to it. I don't talk to him anymore after that."
19. "My uncle and aunt whom I lived with from the age of 15 to 19…they always treated me as an inconvenience even though they’re the ones who suggested I went to live with them. They had me clean up after them and their kids. They got mad at me when I ate 'too much of their food,' causing me to have stunted growth and an eating disorder. Made fun of me for being depressed and always discouraged me from doing any type of extracurricular activity at school because they didn’t want me to make their kids seem like mediocre losers. They overshared family secrets with me and basically made me feel like I had to share those same resentments towards other people in my family in order to be welcomed into their home. To this day, I still have trust issues with everyone in my life and I rarely allow myself to make new friends."
20. "My brothers sexually assaulted me. My parents decided to hide it and told me if I’d tell anyone my parents would go to jail. They never got me the help I needed. Now many years later I’m getting help and trying to heal. My dad has decided he doesn’t want any part in it. He would just rather be enraged about politics and my cousin being trans than to help me and stand up for something that actually matters. Whenever it gets brought up, he changes the subject. I’ve since cut off my brothers and their families. I am working on cutting my dad off as well."
21. "Had to cut off ties with my mom. Context: I’m married, two young kids. Mom’s boyfriend of 10 years dies suddenly, just before COVID hits. Mom calls up one day and unloads 10 years of grievances against me and, more specifically, my wife. Stating the boyfriend told her to deal with it and that we were all happy, so keep it to herself. Mom went off. Said my wife controls me completely, that she has ruined our family and is mentally ill. ... Says this is her 'truth' and 'reality' — even though the few specifics she could point to ... were actually not true."
"Cut to a while later, letting feelings simmer: Mom 'isn’t mad anymore' so we shouldn’t be either, and denies saying any of the bad things about my wife or family — except the mental illness part. Basically gaslighting us into being the 'bad guy.' So, until she takes accountability for what she has said, apologizes, we are done."
22. "[I] grew up in an explosive and abusive household, when I was finally able to move out I started slowly distancing myself. Mom went off the deep end. Started out accusing me of sleeping with every single person I know (yes, EVERY person), coming up with outlandish stories for why I was an awful person, threatening suicide. When I cut her off completely she started stalking me. I changed my number and moved to a new state, I did not give anyone, including my brother, my new home address, and started receiving cards in the mail from her last year."
23. And finally..."While I haven’t initiated any cut-offs from my side of the family, I’ve just not felt like accepting the olive branch after 20 years of no contact. My wife and I mutually cut off her mother and stepfather after her mother repeatedly came over to watch our children and was on Facebook the whole time making our oldest do everything for her sister. The final straw was when they asked to take both children to a Christmas party, forgot the two-year-old until they were almost in their car, and proceeded to berate the 10-year-old when she pointed out that it wasn’t a little mistake but was in fact a big deal. They then changed tactics and tried to make her feel like it was her fault for losing her sister. We made it to their apartment before they did, grabbed our kids and haven’t seen them since."
Have you ever had to go no-contact with a family member, and if so, why? Let us know in the comments.
Submissions have been edited for length/clarity.
If you are concerned that a child is experiencing or may be in danger of abuse, you can call or text the National Child Abuse Hotline at 1-800-422-2253 (4.A.CHILD); service can be provided in over 140 languages.
In addition:
The National Alliance on Mental Illness helpline is 1-888-950-6264 (NAMI) and provides information and referral services; GoodTherapy.org is an association of mental health professionals from more than 25 countries who support efforts to reduce harm in therapy.
The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is 1-800-273-8255. Other international suicide helplines can be found at befrienders.org. The Trevor Project, which provides help and suicide-prevention resources for LGBTQ youth, is 1-866-488-7386.
If you or someone you know is in immediate danger as a result of domestic violence, call 911. For anonymous, confidential help, you can call the 24/7 National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE) or chat with an advocate via the website.
If you or someone you know has experienced sexual assault, you can call the National Sexual Assault Hotline at 1-800-656-HOPE, which routes the caller to their nearest sexual assault service provider. You can also search for your local center here.
If you or someone you know has experienced anti-LGBTQ violence or harassment, you can contact the National Coalition of Anti-Violence Programs hotline at 1-212-714-1141.
And: the National Eating Disorders Association helpline is 1-800-931-2237; for 24/7 crisis support, text “NEDA” to 741741.