Recently, Reddit user u/arbetarbladet asked, "What's a dealbreaker when it comes to dating?" and honestly, people had some very valid responses. Here are 37 dating dealbreakers we should probably all look out for.
1. "They don't initiate ANYTHING, such as dates or intimacy."
"I’m married now, but my rule is if they are interested, you should know it. This means they also initiate contact, they express enthusiasm to get together (can be shown by their energy/vibe, by their efforts to make things work, etc.). Someone interested will find time or communicate clearly why they can’t and find time as soon as that circumstance has passed. This does not mean someone shy won’t be shy and maybe stay a bit aloof. But once you’ve broken the initial dating barrier, you should see the interest. Teenage and 20s me would have benefited a lot from following this.
"If interest isn’t clear, they aren’t interested. They may be flattered, or bored, or want to like you (but don’t), but bottom line, it’s unlikely to work out well for you, and you deserve better. This also generally applies to friendships."
2. "Someone who doesn't believe in...anything. No passions, no interests, no stances on issues, just molding themselves to whatever they think I want to hear. That's a person who A) Will be codependent because they have not developed a sense of self and will rely on me for all mental stimulation. Or B) A person who's secretly got shitty views or toxic habits and is concealing them to try and get me invested. Hard pass."
3. "Being clearly unable to have time to develop a relationship. We all have jobs, hobbies, and a social life. If you can't administrate your time to make an effort into getting involved with me, I will walk out of your life really quickly."
4. "Having to constantly message and call because they want to be apart of your life every second. Even while working."
"Also very important to communicate expectations and boundaries on communication. People communicate differently, and these differences can and usually will cause issues if they themselves aren't communicated clearly.
"For example, one person's default might be to throw messages into the void with expectation; conversation happens once both people (or more) are available and responding at the same time. Someone else's default might be to check and respond to messages ASAP. It can quickly become an issue if this difference isn't communicated."
5. "Lack of communication. I had this thought recently: A relationship is a lot like sex. We all have our likes and dislikes; if your partner is doing something in bed that you don't like, you vocalize it. You shouldn't just keep it to yourself."
6. "Mind games. If you still want to do that in your 20s or 30s, you are not mentally old enough to be with me."
"Right? If you're playing hard to get, don't be surprised I assume you're not interested."
7. "Drama. At this point, I’ve been through too much shit and value my peace way more than I value someone I’ve just met’s feelings."
8. "When they get jealous easily."
I had a dude I HADN'T EVEN MET YET get jealous of a guy I had one date with and accused me of lying about him being in my house. And he also got jealous because I said I admired Steve-O's sobriety journey and thought he was a cool dude. It was wild."
9. "Telling me to do something after I've said no. I don't need to give you any reason for you to understand; I'll give you one because I chose to. Any dismissal of my reason is a moot point. The answer is no. If it's about myself, my body, my time, or my freedom, then only I get to decide what to do with it.
"All this within reason — I'm willing to cover up when meeting family, but I will not dress myself according to your preferences regularly, as an example."
10. "Inconsistency in behaviors and words. Nothing tires me out like people who are not clear in their intentions. I'm not going to navigate in troubled waters when I can swim in clear ones."
"This one resonated with me. It can create quite a blurry identity of the true character of your partner."
11. "When you notice that they want to change you...[with] subtle hints at [the] start, but progressively, they get more ballsy."
"I dated a guy who saw me as a lump of clay he could mold to his liking. I told him repeatedly that I was uninterested in attending grad school despite getting great fellowships because I got the job I thought I needed graduate school for. He sat me down and told me he could leverage some of his connections to get me into a good program. I told him absolutely not and that I didn't need his help, that I had gotten into good programs, and he ignored me and just kept on with his pitch. I broke things off directly after this, and he vetoed and said he didn't agree, so we were still together. Blocked him fully."
12. "A ‘fix me’ person. I will support you to be your best. But I am not responsible to fix you."
13. "Ex-boyfriend trash talking. Especially if it's multiple ex-boyfriends. I just know eventually I would likely be in that pool."
14. "As a young woman that has dipped her toes into dating, a dealbreaker for me is someone who has just come out of a long, committed relationship and is out dating without giving themselves a proper healing stage."
"This is my ex. I was with him for nearly three years, living together for two. We discussed marriage and kids many times. He blindsided me with a breakup at the beginning of this summer (just stopped communicating with me and became withdrawn). I found out he was on Bumble within a week after the breakup, seeking a longterm relationship (according to the category he selected). No integrity whatsoever."
15. "Treating it like a job interview. [I] met this one lady a while back. Beautiful woman, beautiful Australian accent, polite, funny…all the things a guy could want, only to have it end with, 'Okay, well, it was great meeting you. This was wonderful. However, I do have two other dates planned this week, so I’ll be in touch.' In other words…'Okay, well, thank you for coming in today! We have your résumé, but we do have four other candidates to interview so…we’ll reach out to you.' Couldn’t get to my car fast enough to unmatch and block her number. Not because I was butt hurt that she was seeing other guys. But because if that’s how she treats men at the dating level, she would have to be an absolute nightmare to be in a relationship with...kinda like at a company meeting where the first words said are 'you can leave at any time, and we are free to fire you at any time.'”
16. "Being a dick. Common symptoms include being rude to people in the service industry, ridiculous levels of self importance, lack of compassion, etc. Don’t be a dick."
"Being cruel to kids, animals, old people, etc. Nothing is more unattractive than that."
17. "Realizing he’s the type of guy who just wants to be told what to do. Nothing would be more unattractive to me than a guy looking for a mom-like wife. (To clarify, mom-like to him. Not someone who would make a good mom. Different things.) Very unhealthy imo."
18. "As someone who doesn't want children, dating someone who does is a dealbreaker. Suffered a couple broken hearts over having to make this decision..."
"This is so important! And, to add, believe someone when they say they don't want kids. Don't take it to mean that they don't want them right now, or any time soon. If they firmly don't want children, that's not likely to change."
"It's one of the few things in life to which there can be no middle ground, no compromise. It's either yes or no. That's really hard when two people generally match well in most other areas."
"Kids. I don't want kids; I will never want kids; no, I don't care if I 'don't have to' care for your kids. No, I will not grow to love them; no, I might not change my mind a few years from now. I don't want kids in my life, period."
19. "Littering. ... Littering is the biggest sign that you have no respect for 1) the earth 2) animals 3) your fellow human being. There’s no fucking excuse for littering."
"People throwing cigarettes on the ground/out the window is my biggest pet peeve. The entitlement is disgusting to me, more so than smoking itself."
20. "Trump supporters, conspiracy theorists, anti-science views."
"Went on a date with someone I barely knew. (He approached me IRL, something that almost never happens to me anymore. Mulled it over for a few days then said yes.)
"About three quarters of the way through, discovered he voted for Trump in 2020. Have you ever gone camping and quickly zipped up your sleeping bag? That zipper noise? Imagine that noise, but coming from inside my panties. From that point forwards, my only thoughts were, 'How quickly can I finish my salmon and broccoli, get the check, and get the hell out of here?'
"I didn't even eat my baked potato. I really like potatoes, but it was enormous, and I couldn't fathom sitting there and continuing to make polite conversation while I choked it down. I'm still sad I had to leave it behind."
21. Along those lines, "Racist, homophobic, ableist, bigotry in general."
22. Similarly..."That they're subbed to Andrew Tate."
23. "If you expect me to excuse shitty behavior because of the position the stars were in when you were born."
"I had a partner cheat on me when the relationship was already going down the pan, and then blame it on astrology. I think if she'd been honest in any way, I might have given it a shot, but that was a welcome, clear sign to gtfo."
24. "If they refuse to go for STD/STI testing before ever sleeping with me. Which just reinforces my resolve never to sleep with anyone who will not go and get an important exam, because I'm now painfully aware most adults don't actually bother to ensure their own sexual health and that of their intended partner(s) prior to sleeping together. Some of y'all are playing with fire."
25. "Lack of conversational skills or effort to have any conversation."
"I feel you. Why does it always have to be me to steer the conversation/make the conversation fun?"
26. "If we can't have a difference of opinion on something without it turning into an argument"
27. "Someone who breaks your trust, and then shrugs it off. Even in minor things, like telling them a personal detail which they then share."
28. "Me paying for everything, all the time."
29. "Not being self sufficient/being able to practically navigate the world."
30. "Smoking/vaping."
"I can't deal with smoking. It just smells awful and makes the person impossible to kiss or give oral to."
31. Similarly..."If their whole personality is 420/weed. You like to smoke weed once in a while, that's cool. But if that's all you do...it's not a personality."
32. "I think: Would I want my own kid dating this person? … If they aren’t good enough for my kid (theoretically), then they aren’t good for me. ... 'Parenting' myself has worked wonders."
33. "Unwilling to grow. Like, we are supposed to grow and change as people. ... Who wants to look back in 10 years and think, 'I didn't change at all. I just got older?'"
34. "If it’s obvious they really care about their internet persona/aesthetic"
35. "Not allowing you to have friends of the opposite sex."
36. "ANY kind of belief system where you are always the victim and everyone else is the problem. It demonstrates extreme selfishness and a lack of empathy, and oftentimes, bigotry follows in its footsteps."
37. And finally, let's end on a silly one..."People who don't cut their sandwiches in half diagonally. I'm weird, but I can't be seen dating a freak."
What are your dating dealbreakers? Do you agree or disagree with the ones above? Let us know in the comments!
Submissions have been edited for length/clarity.