Recently I've been rounding up some of my favorite-ever tweets, and welp...it looks like I had a lot more than I thought! Here are 101 more tweets that are a bright spot in this cruel world.
1.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
2.
look for the girl with the broken smile, ask her if she opa gangnam style
3.
no way in hell these two are played by the same actor
4.
the idea of being married is so weird like what if I’m having a sad moment late at night and I wanna cry in bed and then there’s just some guy there??
5.
Finally made a start on The Sopranos. Can see why you all love it so much. Absolutely brilliant.
6.
andrew garfield is british the same way that timothee chalamet is american
7.
Me 2 martinis in responding to all stories like they’re meant for me
8.
Do you remember when your mom would take you shopping and you would come home and do a “fashion show” for your dad who was half asleep on the couch and would give you a nod and a “very nice” for every outfit or was that just my family.
9.
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying "wahoo" no matter how fun the jump was
10.
I don’t think Dasani wants to be bottled water I think her passions are elsewhere
11.
woman: aw he’s so cute me: thanks he’s a rescue my boyfriend: stop telling people that
12.
every college tour guide: you may think you know squirrels, but you better strap the fuck in while i tell you about our special little guys
13.
I don’t think this is the coughing emoji.
14.
Journalism kids are theater kids that can’t sing
I'm in this picture and I don't like it.
16.
Dunno why I feel shame at basic things, carrying my loaf through town cause I can’t fit it into my bag and I just feel like people are pointing going “AH HA HERE COMES LOAF BOY, YOU FUCKING STUPID BREADY GHOUL” while I just cry and scuttle away like the yeasty fool I am
17.
cannot fucking stand a wine glass. disaster waiting to happen. engineered to make me look like an idiot for breaking it. i will not be your patsy
18.
dream logic is so weird. you’ll be exploring an underwater shipwreck but you’ll also be like “this is the walmart that my dad owns.”
19.
Birds are just named stuff like Hotbreasted Milf and no one does anything about it
20.
there’s something so vulnerable about walking into someone’s bathroom and encountering their squatty potty
21.
timothee chalamet is the tom cruise of michael ceras
22.
if ur in her dms and i'm in her dms, then who's flying the plane?!
23.
y’all remember in first grade when we were just chillin in class then somebody threw up outta nowhere
24.
my dad just texted "can you give me a call" so either he wants to say hi or my whole family is dead. could be both
25.
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
26.
babybel cheeses trying to convince you to buy them in the dairy section:
27.
i ain't victim-blaming, but why tf was an egg sitting on a wall
28.
starting a text with lmao but then also ending the text with lmao and having to decide where the lmao is more serviceable
29.
credit card chip machines are like: - DO NOT remove your card - DO NOT - hey look at me - DO NOT remove your card - take out your card immediately or I’m burning this place to the ground
30.
whenever someone in a movie yells "the portal's closing!!!!!" i'm like ok but you've never seen it before so how do u even know
31.
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it's time to get into the world changer
32.
Where did Scar's accent come from. Did he study abroad
33.
What if when u die and ur life flashes before ur eyes it’s just one of those collages ur photo album app makes
34.
Do they know about ABBA in mamma Mia
35.
I have said it before and I will say it again, modern bathtubs are too damn small. I want to feel like the kraken moving ponderously through ocean depths, not like a potato wedged in a tailpipe.
36.
Do you think in the Middle Ages people were like "Okay does literally everyone have the plague right now? Lol I feel like every person I've ever met has the plague right now"
37.
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
38.
dr seuss: it’s a cat in a hat me: oh my god that’s cute dr seuss: he’s 6’4. and it’s a weird hat me: what the hell man
39.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
40.
why my eye doctor giggling down bc i can't see. we did the eye chart and i was saying the numbers i saw. she was like there are no numbers in this baby only letters... humbled me bad like...
41.
first photo taken during the discovery of spain
42.
this is a minor villain in a stop motion Wes Anderson https://t.co/bTFiQpYjPd
43.
My 8 year old doesn’t want to be cast as Zazu in his ‘Lion King’ school play cuz he recently played Iago in ‘Aladdin’ and fears being typecast as birds.
44.
When you accidentally eat a Dorito vertically:
45.
Y’all think there are vampires that eat garlic even tho they’re not supposed to? Like lactose intolerant people who refuse to give up cheese
46.
cheshire cat: we're all mad here me: at me???
47.
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
48.
everyday i wake up feeling thankful that the mamma mia movies were made before james corden was cast in musicals
49.
"No, I thought he was away on business. I'm terribly worried, detectives." https://t.co/RtMT4S31Lt
50.
get that tattoo, ur family is already disappointed in you
51.
my bf used to use dawn dish soap as body wash and he said “if it’s good enough to clean ducks, it’s good enough to clean me” 🤦♀️ https://t.co/BOe58BtHKJ
52.
Do celebrities have to do jury duty? Imagine standing trial and you just see Beyoncé sitting there
53.
this looks like a commercial for anxiety medication
54.
Look, do I regret betraying my siblings? Sure. Would I do it again for the great taste of Turkish delight? Of course I would
55.
the most tragic fate in film history
56.
hey this is CVS. we filled your prescription. can u come pick it up in the next 17 seconds or should we light it on fire in the parking lot
57.
whenever I'm sad I think about how my boyfriend thought "antipasta" was "every Italian food that's not pasta", implying a great intra-italian struggle between pasta and not pasta
58.
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a big fan of his salads. didn’t realize he was a roman dictator :/
59.
gonna be honest with u guys. i don’t understand how the gas nozzle knows when to stop
60.
Ok, sure - we all know some letters fell off. But for the life of me I can’t figure out what the hell donut it was supposed to be.
61.
me: i'll have the sloppy joe wife: this is a fancy restaurant, idiot me: apologies, I'll have the uncouth joseph waiter: excellent choice, sir
62.
If ur 1st day of college went bad remember I signed up for pro life society accidentally because I thought they were just pumped for general life
63.
no one: me at 3am: what devastation was team rocket protecting the world from? what did they know
64.
Did the person who invented the phrase “one-hit wonder” invent any other popular phrases?
65.
My dad trying to comfort me like
66.
Ready to strut it out and walk a mile 😌
67.
Those who do not learn from history… are doomed to repeat it
68.
Love how the airport is like do you want to pick someone up? Please do! Just don’t even THINK about stopping your car keep it moving they can jump in
69.
never using doordash again wtf
70.
why is sleeping at night so hard but sleeping in the morning is like drifting away on a soft fluffy cloud while adele sings you a lullaby
71.
do you beLIVE in LAUGH after LOVE
72.
starting a job feels like you’re a new character on the ninth season of a tv show
73.
it’s only called tokyo drifting if youre in the tokyo region of japan. everywhere else it’s just sparkling vroom vroom
74.
Bugs with wings are so pressed. You got the whole world to fly around but you wanna be in my face. Move, broke ass.
75.
Fucking sick of going on hero's journeys. Nothing I hate less than attempting to go home only to find the journey has changed me so fundamentally that I can no longer return
76.
my dad wants to road trip to JFKs death site to “see if the FBI missed anything” why can’t you just be NORMAL
77.
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
78.
My brain to the name of the person that just introduced themselves to me
79.
Imagine an e-mail finding you well
80.
I want to get black out drunk in Roku City
81.
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
82.
not saying i want to experience demonic possession but it might be a nice lil break to let someone else steer for a while
83.
First day at his new job, wish him luck
84.
just watched someone speed eat 4 hard boiled eggs out of a plastic bag because they didn’t want tsa to confiscate them
85.
my anxiety my anxiety mixed with an iced coffee
86.
Charcuterie ain’t nothing but some Lunchables that went to Harvard.
88.
being a security guard at the hospital is exhausting. every time i see the grim reaper i gotta hit that silly motherfucker with my car
89.
just spent so long prying my step grandmother’s locket open and it was 100% worth it
90.
sadly i do think my last words will be "not me dying"
91.
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
92.
11 years since I was happy
93.
why does no one tell you that when you pick out a pair of athletic shorts from tj maxx at fourteen yrs old, you are in fact making a decision that will last longer than any of your adult relationships
94.
I get married tomorrow, just making sure we still good 🤣🤣🤣
95.
To my mother, who taught me that it’s OK to put your kids second ❤️
96.
“Your password must include a special character” *sigh* alright let me go put on a wig real quick
97.
My earliest memory of mansplaining
98.
Me buying another iced coffee when I’m already shaking and light headed.
99.
i do wish we had lowercase numerals, sometimes 1234567890 all feel so loud
100.
1 out of every 3 blueberries is an absolute nightmare
101.
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”