14 Facts About The Past That Were Too Scandalous For History Class

"Let's talk about sex, baby" – everyone in the past, apparently.

1. The world's first microbiologist Antonie van Leeuwenhoek discovered sperm after putting his own semen under the microscope.

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Anton started off by examining more family-friendly objects under the microscope, but his colleagues kept urging him to investigate semen.

Before his discovery of sperm (which he called animalcules), there were some questionable theories about how babies were made, including the belief that semen contained really tiny humans that were transferred to women during sex.

2. Ancient Egyptians believed that the god of creation birthed the world by masturbating, and viewed it as a magical act.

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The belief was that Atum – whose name comes from the word "completion" – was alone on the planet until he ejaculated and all the living creatures were made.

3. During WW1, STIs were incredibly common, and some soldiers purposely tried to get infected so that they could be honourably discharged and avoid the trenches.

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Some soldiers were ordered to be chaste, but that didn't really help. Those who had managed to hide their infections used match sticks to transfer the pus to another man.

4. The last German Emperor, Kaiser Wilhelm II had a teenage crush on his mum, and even wrote her letters detailing the sexual dreams he had about her.

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Wilhelm, who happened to be Queen Victoria's grandson, tried to win his mum over by telling her he dreamed of kissing her, among other disturbing things. She (obviously) didn't take him up on his advances and just corrected his grammar.

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5. Mozart composed a song which literally translates to "Lick me in the arse."

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The prodigy wrote the canon as a party piece for his friends. While the literal translation sounds pretty raunchy, "Leck mich im Arsch" is the equivalent of "kiss my ass," so it's not quite as outrageous as you might think.

6. Author Victor Hugo was so popular with the local sex workers, when he died, every brothel in Paris closed down for a day of mourning.

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Victor, who wrote The Hunchback of Notre Dame, was a celeb in Paris, and was pretty obsessed with sex. He was such a loyal customer that all the city's sex workers had the chance to pay their last respects to him. One account even claimed that some workers draped their genitals in black material as a sign of respect.

7. In Ancient Greece, large penises were associated with foolishness, which would explain why so many statues have tiny ones.

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Evidence suggests that back then, small penises were what the people wanted. According to the myths, Priapus, a god of fertility, was cursed by Hera and was horrible, impotent, and ugly. Statues of him always show him with a huge boner, which is the complete opposite to the depiction of the more popular gods.

8. King Charles had a plethora of royal mistresses, including actress Nell Gwyn, who gave one of her rivals a laxative-laced cake to sabotage her relationship with the king.

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Moll Davis was one of King Charles’ most famous courtesans and even had a daughter with him. Nell arrived on the scene a little later and when it came to becoming the king’s favourite, she played dirty. Moll was given the laxative before she left to enter the king’s chamber, and well; the laxative did its thing. Not long after, the king gave Moll a house in Westminster and dismissed her, while Nell went on to have two sons with him (which he created "Earl" titles for).

9. Mary Shelley, the author of Frankenstein, had sex in the graveyard her mum was buried in.

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Shelley spent a lot of time visiting her mother's grave in St. Pancras churchyard and had a big interest in life and death. When she met her future husband, Percy, she took him along to the graveyard, and that's where they got it on.

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10. Irish Author James Joyce wrote some pretty kinky love letters about farts.

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When Joyce was away in Italy, he wrote letters to his partner Nora, and he did not hold back. He explicitly detailed almost every sex act you could think of, and mentioned farting during sex a lot. He really put the NS in NSFW, so read with caution.

11. When he was 27, author Edgar Allan Poe married his 13-year-old cousin.

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Edgar's dad and Virginia's mum were siblings. They lived together in a family home before they were publicly married in 1836, and Virginia's age was listed as 21. She died at 24, and critics believe that "The Raven" was inspired by her illness and death.

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12. When Churchill was visiting the Whitehouse during WWII, Franklin D. Roosevelt accidentally caught him in his birthday suit.

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According to the accounts, FDR wanted to run an idea past Churchy, so he burst into his bathroom, where he was standing naked after the bath. Churchill was pretty chill about it all, and when the Roosevelt tried to leave, he just said: "You see, Mr President, I have nothing to hide from you."

13. King Tutankhamun was mummified with a boner.

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Yep, when his embalmed body was discovered, his penis stood upright. Historians believe that it was arranged like this deliberately to symbolise the political struggle of Egypt at the time.

14. When Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel he added in a bunch of secret messages, including what some believed were insults to the pope.

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The fresco has hidden messages from Jewish tradition, symbols of the female anatomy, and what some historians have interpreted as direct insults to the pope who commissioned the piece. Basically, Michelangelo was trolling, 15th-century style.

Don't forget to share your NSFW history facts in the comments below!