1.
For one of my dads Xmas presents I bought him some puzzles, to focus on and do (suffers with dementia) and I just rang him and he goes “I’m sat here doing a puzzle it’s a piece of shit who on earth would buy me that” 🙂🙂🙂🙂
2.
Tfw your Piccadilly line service is haunted by a Victorian shoe shine boy
3.
I just aggressively removed two bottles of prosecco from our trolley, proclaiming crossly “Neither of us likes prosecco. It’s bloody horrible” The gentleman moved away from me at speed. We had not met before. It was neither my trolley nor my husband.
4.
if I was in charge of the London fireworks display
5.
Just tried these on, tried to walk away and I stumbled
6.
Just witnessed a child in a zero waste shop yell ‘LENTILS’ before opening the lentil pipe and allowing them to gush forth. Chaos. Lentils everywhere
7.
watching The Masked Singer with my dad and he goes “I think it’s Madonna” yeah Ray it’s definitely the world’s best selling female artist of all time with a net worth of $600 million singing on ITV at 7pm on a Saturday night dressed as a hench yellow duck
8.
dua lipa would NOT approve
9.
I used to ghostwrite a column for Dappy. My one good story is that he liked to pretend to be a shoplifter before taunting the shop assistants by suddenly and dramatically producing his credit card. He called this "doing a madness".
10.
me in academe: i am a phd CANDIDATE, a member of the RESEARCH COMMUNITY me in any shop: i am a STUDENT with a STUDENT CARD you do do a STUDENT DISCOUNT, yes?
11.
why are they still cooking for her what a waste https://t.co/br75rCjVqz
12.
2020 is cancelled
13.
me: how much is museum entry? museum website: >ᵖˡᵃⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵃʸ >ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵛᶦˢᶦᵗ >ᵈᶦˢᶜᵒᵛᵉʳ >ᵇᵉᶜᵒᵐᵉ ᵃ ᶠʳᶦᵉⁿᵈ ᵒᶠ ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᵘˢᵉᵘᵐ >ᵐᵉᵐᵇᵉʳˢʰᶦᵖˢ >ᵃᵈᵐᶦˢˢᶦᵒⁿˢ >ᵃᵘᵈᶦᵒ ᵍᵘᶦᵈᵉˢ >ᵈᵃʸ ᵗᶦᶜᵏᵉᵗ >£¹⁸
14.
American sports fans: De-fense! De-fense! British sports fans: All right lads, I’ve just worked up a song to the tune of Debussy’s Clair de Lune about an opposing player’s drunk driving charge, I’ll count us off:
15.
just found out my ARABIC ‘princess’ tattoo actually says prince. Alright.
16.
the best thing to come out of 2019 wis Augusts naughty penguin of the month
17.
nobody: The Queen: You won Meghan. Enjoy the freedom. Dear lord what a sad little life Meghan. You ruined my monarchy so you could have freedom. I hope you use the time on lessons in grace and decorum because you have all the grace of a reversing dump truck without any tyres on.