1.
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
2.
teacher: you're currently failing english, are you reading for extra credit? me: i'm reading Animal Farm, the author is so good teacher: orwell? me: yeah [sweating] i meant the author is so well
3.
ron weasley: i have to use old books harry potter: wow ron: and torn up shitty clothes harry: yuck lol ron: would be crazy if my best friend had a vault full of gold and could maybe help me out a little harry: ya lmao that would be crazy
4.
Before you turn 18 you have to choose exactly one of these books to read and then never stop talking about for the rest of your life: -Harry Potter -The Great Gatsby -Animal Farm -The Communist Manifesto -1984 -The Bible
5.
ME: I will now give my Moby Dick presentation as a rap TEACHER: I specifically told you not to d– ME: His palms are sweaty, Queequeg's harpoon heavy, there's something on his sweater already, spermaceti
6.
I [35M] married a woman [32F] from a slave-owning family for money. She had mental illness and cheated on me, so I removed her from home and loved ones and chained her in an attic. Now I want to marry an employee [18F] without telling her I’m married because she’ll say no. AITA?
7.
so you mean to tell me , Willy Wonka sent golden tickets AROUND THE WORLD, and 5 WHITE children got them all?!?!!
8.
editor: this better not be like last time kafka: it's a coming of age story editor: ok kafka: about a boy who's changed, but his family won’t accept him editor: i'm listening kafka: because he's changed into a bug editor: there we go kafka: like a real big fuckin bug
9.
I’d just like everyone to know that one of my pals thinks “what a sad little life Jane” is a quote from Jane Eyre by Charlotte Brontë and not from the greatest ever ending to come dine with me
10.
ME, SOBBING: Please, Emily, you can't give all your 100 characters the same 4 names EMILY BRONTE: *points* That's Earnshaw Linton. *points* That's Cathy Heathcliff. *points* Heathcliff Linton. *points* Cathy Cathy. *points* Earnshaw Cathy Jr. *pause* And they're all GHOSTS.
11.
Nobody: The morally bankrupt minor character in a Jane Austen novel: https://t.co/c67f4FYm59
12.
HARPER LEE: I don't know what to call my novel MOCKING BIRD: It's probably garbage anyway HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
13.
PUBLISHER: So it’s got vampires? BRAM STOKER: Yes. PUBLISHER: Sex? BRAM STOKER: Yes. PUBLISHER: A lunatic asylum? BRAM STOKER: Yes. PUBLISHER: It needs something more. BRAM STOKER: [scratches head] A… a cowboy? PUBLISHER: Fucking sold.
14.
you: let’s get this bread j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
15.
John Steinbeck writing the ending to Of Mice and Men https://t.co/d0lWWlmSlV
16.
(english major moving apartments) there’s a lot to unpack here