1.
everytime I come to london my mates will say some shit like “get the pinkersmith line to banana & dolphin and then you can change onto the dinkerdonk line to splooge street” and expect me to understand what the hell they’re talking about
3.
It’s like trying to sleep inside a fucking McDonald’s apple pie
4.
wait a minute what flavour are those crisps COMPUTER ENHANCE IMAGE
5.
My mum busted a cyber crimer
6.
Me today after only managing 3 hours of sleep last night in the heat 😭
7.
Hi guys it may seem counterintuitive but if you're trying to stay cool in this heat close all your windows. Go outside. And stand in the sun. Remain still; stand your ground. It's important the sun knows you're not afraid. Eventually it will back down.
8.
boris johnson delivering his resignation
9.
Young Nadhim Zahawi looks like he fully expects to win ‘Come Dine With Me’ with his mushroom risotto.
10.
My gravestone will read “He was born. He seemed to somehow spend £30 every 2 days in Tesco express. He died.”
11.
How do you want to advertise the new show, Paul? / I dunno, maybe use that photo where I look like a bread addict hitting rock bottom
12.
bet they’re filming chocolate week in the bake off tent today
13.
reminder not to put sunglasses on your dog for a fun picture in the sun - this is actually very bad for the dog as it gives them a false sense of confidence and makes them look really cool which can be dangerous when you take them off again and they have to go back to Normal Dog
14.
One of the biggest financial shocks of adult life is paying for Microsoft Office I can’t believe I’m getting fleeced like this
15.
Wow, didn't see that one coming
16.
somewhere in the UK there’s a teacher telling a school student to keep their blazer on
17.
Life in Britain be like "you are no 237 in the queue, please stop phoning us, don't bully the staff, services prob aren't running, download this app, are you sure you need a hospital/electricity/train? check your nearest hub, no appointments for 10 weeks, remember BE KIND !!"
18.
omg girl are u the postcode for legoland windsor because