1. DON'T DROP THE BABY.
2. Tiny fingernails! Look at those tiny adorable fingernails! Must resist urge to paint them.
3. Where did that stain come from?
4. Kids shows are actually awesome these days.
5. Dora the Explorer is actually, like, really smart.
6. Why are you crying?
7. I can't wait until you learn English so that you can tell me why you're crying.
8. Are you crying because you don't like me?
9. THIS BABY IS GOING TO ROLL OFF OF THE CHANGING TABLE.
10. Wow that is a tiny hand. That hand is tiny.
11. She's so cute when she sneezes.
12. She's so cute when she blinks.
13. She's so cute when she breathes.
14. I made this thing. I MADE it.
15. Oh man. What am I doing?
16. I'm going to break her. I'm going to break her in half by accident. I know it.
17. Am I a bad parent if I watch Top Chef while I'm bonding with her?
18. Am I a bad parent if I eat her baby food sometimes? It's actually really good.
19. Am I a bad parent if I don't spend $50 on this baby yoga class right now?
20. Am I a bad parent if I actually sort of hate her middle name?
21. Am I a bad parent?
22. DO NOT DROP THIS BABY RIGHT NOW.
23. She's objectively cuter than every other baby on earth.
24. I must have excellent genes.
25. I guess my parents have excellent genes, too.
26. Is "genes" the right word?
27. What is a gene?
28. OH NO WHERE'S THE BABY?
29. Oh she's right there. Like two feet away from me.
30. I wonder if the people in this grocery store can tell that I haven't slept in 34 hours.
31. Is there a bed in this grocery store?
32. IF YOU THINK ABOUT DROPPING THE BABY, YOU'LL DROP THE BABY.
33. How many dollars do I have to save every day to pay for this kid's college education?
34. Will college still be so expensive in 18 years?
35. Will college still be a thing in 18 years?
36. Ah, college.
37. College was easy. I didn't have any babies in college.
38. IF YOU DROP THIS BABY YOU'LL ALWAYS BE REMEMBERED AS THE TERRIBLE PARENT WHO DROPPED THEIR BABY.
39. She just put that block on top of that other block!! Is she the smartest baby alive?
40. She might be the smartest baby alive.
41. She's suspiciously smart.
42. I'm going to play Mozart and read Nietzsche to her.
43. That'll nurture her brain — which is obviously huge.
44. CAN YOU GO TO JAIL FOR DROPPING A BABY BY ACCIDENT?
45. Don't swear. Do NOT swear. Babies remember everything.
46. Don't even say a swear word in your mind. Babies can read thoughts.
47. Why are her cheeks so red? Is she sick?
48. Why won't she eat her pulverized beet paste? Is she sick?
49. She hasn't laughed once at my Bill Cosby impression. Is she sick?
50. If I start a Google search with "Is it normal if my baby…" one more time, child services is going to take this child away from me.
51. I'M GOING TO COVER THE FLOOR WITH PILLOWS SO THAT IF I DROP THE BABY MAYBE IT WON'T BE SUCH A BIG DEAL.
52. Do I own an article of clothing that is free of baby goop?
53. So many things come out of this baby.
54. She doesn't even eat that much. Where does it all come from?
55. I need to take a moment to appreciate how far I've come in terms of being OK with getting poop on my hands sometimes.
56. Maybe I'm not so bad at childrearing.
57. It's normal to be nervous. I'm a great parent.
58. I like this kid a lot, and that's all that matters.
59. I'm absolutely crushing this parenting thing.
All images by BuzzFeed / Kristin Rossi