The TV Show Euphoria Is Teaching Me How To Cry Again

HBO's Euphoria is helping me learn how to cry after 15 years.

When I started Euphoria, I didn't know what I was getting into

I only recently started watching Euphoria, mainly so I could understand all the TikTok references. I had no clue how dark the show actually was. I did not expect the emotional rollercoaster it has taken me on.

I stopped crying when I was very young

Euphoria, HBO / Via tenor.com

I was never allowed to cry as a kid. Even if I was hurt or in pain, I was punished for crying. Anytime I cried, I got hit. The first memory I have of this was probably around age 3 or 4. It was hard for me at first, to keep myself from crying at such a young age. Eventually my sympathetic nervous system took over. The sympathetic nervous system is what controls the body’s rapid involuntary responses, commonly known as the ‘fight or flight’ reaction. Keeping me from crying was my body’s way of protecting me from the repeated trauma.

Not being able to cry had consequences

Euphoria, HBO / Via giphy.com

My body stopping me from crying was a protective behavior, it kept me from getting hurt. While this dealt with the immediate threat, not being able to cry for so long is harmful. Even when I wanted to cry, my body would stop me before I even had the chance. Just because the crying stopped, the pain and internal struggle never did. Not being able to safely express emotions was what contributed to the complex PTSD I still live with.

What I thought was crying, really wasn't.

Euphoria, HBO / Via giphy.com

I’ve been in therapy for eight years. When I eventually started doing trauma work, that included allowing myself to cry again. This has been a long process. One of the first things I learned was that crying is not just the act of producing tears. All I was doing was pushing past the automatic reaction I had known for so long. By the time I was actually able to get to the point of tears I was exhausted and I never felt better afterwards.

I remember asking my best friend about crying and if it actually made her feel better. She had seen me cry a few times and she asked me if I thought that’s what truly crying was. I was immediately confused, I thought that was as far as I had to go. She has always been able to see things in me emotionally that I am so good at hiding from everyone else. She pointed out that I was still holding back, that part of me still wasn't letting go. She was right of course, but it took me a while to truly understand.

Euphoria, specifically Sydney Sweeney's performance, is what made me able to cry for real

Euphoria, HBO / Via youtube.com

Sydney's performance was incredibly believable. She was able to portray the agony and pain that comes with suffering in silence that I was never able to express. It brought me to tears and I began to sob.

My first real cry was painful af.

Euphoria, HBO / Via giphy.com

Because of my PTSD, that trauma response of stopping myself from crying is still ingrained in me. Watching Sydney Sweeney as Cassie is what got me past the immediate part of the sympathetic response of allowing myself to produce tears. But even after I started to sob, my body fought me the whole time. It was an hour of painful choking and gasping for air as I struggled to let myself go.

As painful as it was, I still felt better when I woke up that morning after crying myself to sleep. Despite the fact that it was exhausting, I felt a small, but noticeable, weight off my chest.

Thank you Euphoria, and thank you Sydney Sweeney.

Euphoria, HBO / Via google.com

Despite everything Cassie has done in Season 2, it's hard for me not to see her favorably. This show gave me back something that I had forgotten I'd lost. Sydney Sweeney's performance is the reason I'm learning to cry again after nearly two decades of fear.