I had an epiphany this week. Something bad happened on Thursday. Something really bad.
In my attempt to make easy holiday fritters with a few simple ingredients, I managed to literally vomit in my mouth. Let me rephrase that so you'll understand:
I made the worst fritters ever known to the history of man in my kitchen this week. They were horrible. They were so bad that when I asked Rich to taste one, he had to run to the trash can to spit it out. He even managed to dry heave a little while on a muted conference call.
I realized that our 12 year old pug would, in fact, die from eating these if I gave them to her. I thought, how can one mess up fritters? They're so easy? You just skillet or bake little patties filled with veggies or corn and boom....you're done! No. This just didn't happen. Baking in bacon grease can sometimes make for an aweful outcome. And I knew something was wrong early on. So, I should have stopped while I was behind.
The natural light beaming in the window was gorgeous at the time. Although inedible fritters were present, I still managed to photograph them for your viewing pleasure. See, they look great, don't they? Aren't you glad you weren't here?
I can recall messing up several dishes in my lifetime. I can even recall purchasing pre made dishes that were so disgusting, one could not bare to look.
In high school, my close girlfriends and I threw a Thanksgiving feast. My job was to make the stuffing. I purchased a heaping bowl of stuffing from Marsh Supermarkets. I'm like forty, so this was like a long, long time ago. I can still recall the look on the girls' faces.
The whales (our nickname.....long, incredible story) described the stuffing as a mix between baby throw up and puppy chow. They did not eat it, nor get close to it. It was horrifying. And they will always remember the feast where I had one job. Just one job. To make stuffing. Instead, I went and bought puppy chow. And baby puke. And I thought it looked real tasty.
On one of our first dates, I made dinner for my husband. I was so excited! It was a steak with veggies on the side. I placed two steaks in a hefty Ziploc bag, then poured a whole bottle of soy sauce in. It looked as though the steaks were swimming in polluted ocean oil. Sealing up the bag with a smile, I plopped it in the fridge. It stayed there until the next night. They marinated for over 24 hours. In straight up soy sauce. And into the oven they went!
I then whipped up some canned corn and poured in dry herbs. It was like ten hefty shakes, out of the open portion of the tin. I mean, I think our 23 pound Thanksgiving turkey couldn't have endured that much dry herb. When we finally ate, I noticed Rich looked as though he had dentures. His mouth was all puckered up and he quickly opened the red wine I purchased for the evening. It was the worst meal he'd ever had. Ever. You know that show on the Food Network, the Worst Cooks in America? I was worse than all of them combined. I'm surprised the salt content of the steaks didn't cause them to disintegrate into thin air. I believe with more time, they would have.
Last year, my daughter's Girl Scout troop went camping overnight. It was alot of fun. Before driving home the next morning, I promised my daughter I would make her a bag of popcorn to eat in the car. She loves popcorn. Our microwave at home has a sensor. It basically pops the popcorn on a setting where it does all the work for you. I don't follow the instructions on the bag. The microwave shuts off when it's done. Perfect popcorn, every time.
The microwave in the cabin? Not so much. It was normal and old. I put the bag in, entered the allotted time according to the instructions, then pressed start.
I went to the restroom and took out some trash, forgetting I wasn't at home. I needed to keep an eye on the popcorn but didn't. Walking closer to the kitchen area, I noticed a burning smell. Like burnt hair. I ran to the microwave and opened it up. There it was. A scorched hole in the side of the bag, on fire, and looking like charcoal. I had to tell the troop leader to summon the cabin owner for inspection. Before getting in the car to drive home, I mentioned to my daughter that I had killed the popcorn.
Then I handed out my blog business cards to all the Girl Scout moms! A food blogger who had just burnt microwave popcorn? And she's handing out business cards? They must have thought I was insane.
Not certain they frequent this blog much after that.
Now, these fritters weren't AWEFUL. But they were real bad. Well, at least I got the mantle decorated.
And honestly, wanting to give you some laughs going into the weekend was my ultimate goal. Sometimes I get on these writing kicks where I just need to have fun. And you just need to have fun. So, we will have fun together when it's needed.
Sometimes in the food blogging world, you can't tell if anyone has ever messed up. If any blogger has taken a turn for the worst when it comes to their dishes. In fact, I've learned that several have. And some amazing ones have even posted about it. And they are hilarious.
We all make mistakes. And it's fun to acknowledge these at times. And make fun of them along the way :)
Hope you get some more laughs in this weekend. It's always a good thing :) Cheers.
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