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Which Dean Are You?

Ever wonder which of Dean's many personalities matches yours? Take this quiz to find out!

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  1. 1. What was your greatest childhood fear?

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    Colon cancer
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    Constricting clothing
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    Ghost of Jerry Garcia
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    Never finding love
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    Pooping in the woods
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    Recurring nightmare about mis-tying my bowtie
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    Resurgence of the Ottoman Empire
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    Time/clocks
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    Wrath of God
  2. 2. What's the proper name of this city?

    Image adapted from Owl and Mouse Educational Software

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    Constantinople, home of His Most Divine All-Holiness the Archbishop of Constantinople, New Rome and Ecumenical Patriarch
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    Constantinople. I was talking to this Bulgarian guy on the ski lift last year—did you know they call it Tsargrad?
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    Constantinople. My significant other taught me a great breathing technique I practice when someone calls it Istanbul.
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    In boarding school we learned to call it “Istanbul.” St’arxidia mou! It’s Constantinople.
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    “Istanbul (Not Constantinople)” ;-) Just kidding—but did you that know Phish jammed that song at FirstMerit Bank Pavilion in Chicago in 2014? Epic!!!!
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    Konstantinoúpoli
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    Let me call my mom and ask her what she thinks.
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    The great imperial capital of Constantinople—besieged many times, captured only once!
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    What? Sorry—distracted by the cold. Maybe I should put on some pants.
  3. 3. Who’s your greatest influence?

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    Brady
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    Via Mez Love
    Captain Jean Luc Picard
    Via Mez Love
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    Via Saint-Petersburg Theological Academy
    Father Starr, Ph.D.
    Via Saint-Petersburg Theological Academy
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    Via discutivo
    Magic Mike—that’s one hard workin’ ass!
    Via discutivo
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    Via Dan Shinneman
    Page McConnell
    Via Dan Shinneman
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    Via Joseph De Palma
    Ralph Lauren
    Via Joseph De Palma
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    The love of my life, who inspires me every day :)
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    Via di0genes2001
    Yiayia, papou, Mana mou, Uncle George, and Cat Stevens
    Via di0genes2001
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    You! And you! And you! I AM NOT WORTHY OF YOUR FRIENDSHIP!!!!
  4. 4. Who/what is your greatest enemy?

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    Via jmm
    J.J. Abrams
    Via jmm
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    Via Robert Tadlock
    Lift lines
    Via Robert Tadlock
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    Matt Johnston. My mother’s got him by the balls! BY THE BALLS!
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    My significant other’s cat. Why doesn’t it like me?
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    Via Steel Wool
    The collective suffering and sin of mankind
    Via Steel Wool
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    Via iris
    The Turks
    Via iris
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    This: https://noisey.vice.com/en_us/article/phish-has-been-a-band-for-thirty-years-now-and-they-have-sucked-the-whole-time
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    Undanceable music. Give me “Thriller”!!!!
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    Via David Vo
    Wrinkles/out-of-place creases on my pants
    Via David Vo
  5. 5. Friday night, time for a date. Where are you headed?

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    A Dvorak mass performed by my local chamber ochestra
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    Can’t think about that, I’m training for a marathon. Gotta finish my 17th lap around this lake
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    Date turned down my offer to see Phish—waiting in my car for this ’09 live version of “Farmhouse” to finish, then going into Outback Steakhouse to eat dinner alone
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    Greek Fest. Opa!
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    Night-in at our place—in my tighty-whities and socks, with the heat cranked up to 85 degrees
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    Still deciding, but first, I need to stop by Brooks Brothers. I shrunk my favorite sweater vest.
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    Sushi. Works every time.
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    Taking a fellow parishioner’s teenage daughter to the prom.
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    The dance floor
  6. 6. You’re in trouble with someone you love. What did you do?

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    Abandoned them on the ski slopes for an hour-long combined bathroom break and phone call with my mom
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    Bent the corners on their Magic: The Gathering cards
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    Called them a malaka
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    Forgot to come home because I was eating dinner with their parents
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    Forgot to fast on the eve of the Feast of the Beheading of John the Baptist
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    Invited them to a ‘casual’ dinner party and answered the door wearing loafers and a bowtie. Now everyone feels underdressed.
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    Made them sit through an hour-and-20-minute long song called ‘Tweezer’
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    Kind of gave our professor a lap dance during class—in celebration of my own birthday
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    Walked into their room unannounced, naked
  7. 7. It’s getting cold outside. Time to curl up at home with some good books and movies. What are you reading/watching this winter?

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    Via Amazon
    A River Runs Through It
    Via Amazon
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    Via Phish Dry Goods
    Bootleg DVDs of Phish’s Red Rocks shows from ’93, ’94, ’95, ’96, and ‘09
    Via Phish Dry Goods
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    Via Amazon
    Chippendales: The Experience
    Via Amazon
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    Via Ebay
    Complete Works of Dostoevsky with my dad
    Via Ebay
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    Via Facebook
    Cute animal videos to send to my significant other
    Via Facebook
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    Via thefw.com
    Dead Poets Society
    Via thefw.com
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    Via magentocommerce.com
    I’m not reading—I’m liking everything I can on Facebook. 10,000 things and counting!
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    Via Amazon
    The Cosmic Mystery of Jesus Christ by St. Maximus the Confessor
    Via Amazon
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    Via Amazon
    Zorba the Greek
    Via Amazon
  8. 8. What’s your typical weekend look?

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    Beard and the anguish of co-suffering love
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    Columbia jacket, beanie, and ski boots
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    I’m not worried about it. Better make sure I’ve groomed my mustache, though.
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    Minimal—some might call it ‘barely there’
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    No shirt, olive oil, and chest hair
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    Argyle sweater, button-up, and salmon shorts
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    Tie-dye t-shirt, Birkenstocks, and dad jeans
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    Tie-dye t-shirt under a Blackhawks jersey, Cubs hat, and tighty-whities
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    Tweed jacket, sweater vest, and wire-rimmed glasses
  9. 9. What are you grateful for in 2016?

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    Convincing my friends to change our band’s name from Y***** S***** to Naked Somebody and the Frustrated Norwegians
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    Days off with my sweetheart
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    Leaving my room, because there’s ants in my room
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    Visiting the Holy Land
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    Visiting the motherland
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    Powder
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    St. John’s somehow didn’t go under this year
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    Suspenders
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    The Cubs won the series because Phish played Wrigley!
  10. 10. What’s your greatest vice?

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    Bitterness toward the enemies of my ancestors
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    Eating my loved ones’ snacks without permission
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    Everything. I must repent the sins of this world
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    Exhibitionism
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    Forgetting to ‘leave no trace.’ Sorry, Pierce.
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    Leaving my tighty-whities all over the house
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    Phish
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    Star Trek: Enterprise
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    Sweatpants
  11. 11. What’s decorating your walls these days?

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    A full-length mirror. What can I say?
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    Via Pinterest
    Limited edition tour-only Phish poster
    Via Pinterest
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    Via crwflags.com
    My double-headed eagle flag. Byzantine pride!
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    My liberal arts college diploma
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    My wedding photos <3
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    Photo from my brother’s graduation from the same boarding school I went to. Proud of him!
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    Via Pinterest
    Poster from last year’s Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition, staring down my icons on the other wall
    Via Pinterest
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    Via nationalmap.gov
    Trail maps
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    Via Living Orthodox Traditions
    Several hand-painted icons from the Holy Land
    Via Living Orthodox Traditions
  12. 12. You’re out with friends and accidentally drink too much. What happens next?

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    I apologize tearfully to one of them for killing their beloved childhood pet (...even though we didn't know each other as kids)
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    I recite an entire monologue from the Brothers Karamazov
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    I pray for forgiveness to an icon of the Holy Martyr Boniface and the Righteous Aglais, patron saint against drinking
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    I recreate a risqué bar top dance scene from Coyote Ugly
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    I ruin my new loafers
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    I swear off ouzo for the next six months
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    An O.A.R. concert—damn, they suck...
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    My significant other patiently takes me home—but not before I get sick in the bar’s parking lot and the passenger seat of their car
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    Wander out onto a mountain path and curl up in the leaves to sleep it off
  13. 13. What will your last words be?

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    Christos anesti!
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    Does it come in khaki?
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    EPIC!!!!!!
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    I knew this was going to happen! I knew this was going to happen! I’m calling the police! I’m calling my mom!
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    Just beat it / beat it / no one wants to be defeated
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    Make it so!
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    Whatever it is, I’ll say it with a Minnesota accent
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    Check this out! Don't ever tell my parents I did this...
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    Xronia polla!
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