1.
"You're a grand old flag/you're a high flying flag" sounds like the lyrics of someone quickly running out of things to say about a flag.
2.
A supercut of every time a vegetarian says "I can just get sides"
3.
" " - Charlie Chaplan
4.
FaceTiming with my parents like
5.
SCARY COSTUME IDEAS 1. Student loan debt 2. Calling the doctor yourself 3. Overdrawn bank balance 4. Text saying "Can we talk?" 5. Spider
6.
Actually I think this town is big enough to accommodate the two of us comfortably, but if I make you uncomfortable I don't mind leaving.
7.
I just tried to buy a self-help book and my credit card was declined.
8.
when ur in 6th grade but also run a large software company in the 1980s
9.
I'm pretty happy, but I'm not "girl discovers her dress has pockets" happy.
10.
I just learned today that "Don Quixote" is not "Donkey Oatie" and it's a classic novel, not a character from an old kid's show I never saw.
11.
how's my day? well i accidentally wore low rise jeans with this belly shirt so you tell me
12.
how many kermits had to die just so our company could have these chairs?
13.
But what if my myway Involves the highway?... :/
14.
Like bananas, humans get softer with age
15.
my favorite pizza topping is a second pizza flipped over and placed on top
16.
Some people* just want to watch the world burn. * I
17.
We really need a superhero to fix the world right now... ... ... ... [spends 4 hrs searching Amazon for "spandex body suit", falls asleep]
18.
If I were single, I'd move to the San Francisco Bae Area, like, immediately.
19.
What if we just called babies "new people"
20.
when you've been extra since pre-k 3
21.
Let's all make the world a better place and stop reclining our seats into people.
22.
HARRY: I'm a what? HAGRID: You're a Connick Jr., Harry.
23.
i wanna be the guy who sits behind the batter and does finger puppets the whole game #WorldSeries #baseball
24.
this thing in one of our conference rooms looks like it got a bad gift but is still trying to look grateful
25.
[Me as a guidance counselor] "Think of your life as string cheese, peeling away" Student: This isn't helpful "Here, have a string cheese"
26.
I'm really fun on Gchat.
27.
This bar is so loud, I can barely hear myself thinkpiece.
28.
Love it when they get my name right
29.
new phone... who am I
Getting through finals can feel like a sumo wrestler trying to figure skate...but you got dis. And your good grades could save you 15% or more on car insurance!
