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How To Survive An Attack From People Trying To Show You Photos Of Their Kids

A helpful guide.

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1. Be Prepared

Charlotte Gomez/BuzzFeed

Are there signs that an ambush is about to take place? Pay close attention to facial expressions, body language, and any conversational shift towards child rearing.

Possible Signs

•Is the new parent unnecessarily reaching for his or her phone?

•Is the parent describing specific, gorgeous features about their child that you just "have to see to believe?"

•Did the parent just mention something or other about their kid going in for graduation pictures?

If the answer to any of these types of questions is yes, an attack is imminent. Of course, the best way to survive an attack is to avoid it.

Helpful Tips

•Quickly change the topic of conversation to African famine.

•Blurt out that you're having an extra-marital affair.

•Fake a heart attack.

2. Don't Panic

Charlotte Gomez/BuzzFeed

Okay. You weren't able to stop the attack. Brace yourself. You'll get through this.

• Fake a smile.

• Take a deep breath.

• Act like something actually good is about to happen.

• Now imagine yourself in a serene, heavenly space: an empty beach, a sailboat, etc. Add details. Is there a pleasant breeze? Do you hear soft reggae music playing somewhere in the distance? Throw in some birds flying above and an "All-You-Can-Eat-Nachos" hotel bar happy hour.

3. Getting Through It

Charlotte Gomez/BuzzFeed

This half-minute won't last forever… it just seems like it does.

Helpful Tips

•Can you see your reflection in the smartphone's screen? Use this time to focus on your own facial flaws.

•Imagine the angelic children in the photographs acting like actual children: throwing attention-getting tantrums at the grocery store, stealing money from their parents' wallet to buy pot, etc. This will make you feel better.

Helper Words & Phrases to Say During The Ordeal

•Beautiful.

•Gorgeous.

•He/She looks just like you.

•Precious.

•He/She got so big.

•He's/She's gonna be a heart breaker.

Words & Phrases to Avoid

•Ugly.

•He/She looks similar in general appearance to most other children within his/her age range.

•Unimpressive.

•Is he/she possessed?

•WTF?!

Once it's over, pat yourself on the back. It wasn't easy, but you got through it. You maintained your dignity and self-respect, all while pretending to care about some random children whom you have absolutely no interest in. Now it's time to take back your life. See a movie. Treat yourself to a massage. Go on a vacation—and take lots of pictures. Your friends will want to look at them.

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