Driving through ridiculousness with a celebrity comedian at the wheel.
I'm not good at texting. Let me clarify: I'm not good at texting on time.
Ask any of my best friends and they'll agree with a smug look across their faces and their hands lifted in resignation. They know the struggle. Whether it's last-minute brunch plans or an ongoing joke in a group text, I tend to chime in a whoppin' several days after any reasonably social person should. Whether you're my BFF, my coworker, or my aunt doesn't make much of a difference. Am I just a lazy texter, you ask? Absolutely.
So you'll be just as surprised as I was when I agreed to do an article that pinpointed my very demise: spending a week responding to tasks texted by celebrity comedian Loni Love. And yes, I had to respond to her on time. *sigh*
First, let's get up to speed on Loni Love. She's a talk-show cohost who drops hilarious but true-life advice on The Real, she acts in blockbuster comedy films (Mall Cop 2, y'all), and she's casually an electrical engineer by trade. Long story short: She's witty, she's smart, and she was in the driver's seat controlling my life for a week from her phone. Thanks a lot, BuzzFeed.
1. Respond to any and all texts as soon as I see them.
2. Complete all tasks to the best of my ability (as long as they don't cost an exceedingly large amount of money or get me thrown in jail).
3. Don't ask to meet any of Loni's celebrity friends. (So unfair.)
My phone vibrated on my nightstand at exactly 7:30 a.m. It was Loni with my first task.
Nice try, Loni. For some people, this would have defined a mortifying start to the week. For me, I practically popped out of the womb dressed in colorful outfits. After a pit stop by our props department to survey the options for wigs, I struck luck once again. High on a shelf was a lush pink bob-cut singing my name. Ten minutes later, I confidently strolled into the office dressed like a stylish piglet.
And nobody blinked twice — it was actually disappointing. By mid-afternoon, my colleagues finally started to take notice and, professionally, proceeded to make fun of me.
My phone buzzed again. It was the next task:
Not on pizza day, Loni. NOT ON PIZZA DAY. But I took the challenge, and I enjoyed every last bite of that pizza slice over the hour it took me to eat it. By the time it came to snacks, I was a polished pro.
The day's insights: It's surprisingly easy to eat popcorn with chopsticks (plus you don't get greasy fingers); also, try new hairdos more often.
Tuesday morning came around to the sounds of sweet birds and anxiety-provoking text notifications.
Let me put this into context for you: I haven't gone for a run in over eight months. And the only time I go for a run in the morning is with a latte spilling in my hand as I sprint to catch the shuttle to work. I reluctantly pulled on my running shoes and headed out toward Griffith Park. I made it halfway up the hill and remembered to text my boss:
Granted, the view was actually quite stunning once I reached the top. The hustle and bustle of Hollywood traffic looked like toy cars cruising down streets of a massive play set. I stood tall as a sense of pride filled me, the fresh air rushed deep into my lungs, and my mind started to thi—
Surprise, it was Loni again. The next task was already in :
Of course, I remembered to buy everything except a paperweight to hold them down, which meant I spent my very grown-up day with 15 balloons tied to my overalls. Not my proudest moment.
I started to think twice about why I thought this texting challenge was a good idea in the first place. Losing control of my day with crazy hurdles was slowly eating away at my sanity. Perhaps, not replying to texts quickly is a good thing after all.
The day's insights: I should start exercising again.
I woke up to a very pleasant surprise on Wednesday morning: zero message notifications.
In fact, most of the day went by without a peep. Did she forget about me? Was she just super busy with her fancy celebrity life? Was she hanging out with attractive Hollywood men and blowing me off? (Trust me, peep her Instagram.) I was tempted to text her to find out. Maybe she would ask me to meet up with Tamara Mowry? (I'm a true Sister, Sister fan.) A girl can dream.
But at 12:04 p.m., those dreams ended.
My first thought after popping the first marshmallow into my mouth: I should have bought the mini ones. Judging from Loni's ideas over the past three days, she wouldn't tell me to stop anytime soon. By the third marshmallow, I had fully accepted this sweet fate and made the most of it with some creative recipes. I put marshmallow #4 on top of a cup of hot chocolate. Then, I melted marshmallow #6 over a bowl of crispy cereal to make a makeshift treat. That turned out way more lackluster than I had expected.
Loni texted again, oddly with a question this time:
I made it home an hour later and listened to some great new playlists along the way. Today wasn't so bad, minus the 10 marshmallows.
The day's insight: When life gives you marshmallows, make hot chocolate.
*Deep breath* Just two more days to go.
Obviously, I love my husband to pieces. I would trust him to do absolutely anything for me except two things: make my morning coffee (I'm very particular) and do my makeup. Since I've never given him the chance to do the latter over our eight years together, I was actually excited by Loni's task.
I set my expectations low, and thank god I did because, ladies, HE. DIDN'T. BLEND. He also stroked black waterproof mascara on my eyebrows. I stopped him after he grabbed the blue eyeliner and exclaimed, "Oh! This is what goes around the border of your lips, right?"
(Don't tell Loni, but I only left that face on for a hot minute and started fresh. I have some dignity.)
When the next task popped up, I really wanted to fall back into my old habits and not respond — but rules are rules. In theory, it sounded like good fun to rap lunch orders. But then we went for sandwiches. People get crazy about their sandwiches. You want it lightly toasted, no mayo, with spinach, and with extra bell peppers?! What rhymes with bell peppers? After several stalls and slip-ups, we surprisingly left with everyone's order correct. All was good. No, all was "Slab some mustard, but no mayo custard!" good.
The day's insight: I still love my husband. I must never challenge someone in a rap battle.
Finally, I made it to Friday. The taste of freedom was palpable.
By the time I got Loni's last two tasks, I was driving ahead at full speed. After she pushed my boundaries all week, I started to feel excited rather than nervous about these little challenges — if anything, just to prove to myself that I could actually get through a week of this madness. And out of all the days, this was the easiest. Though someone called out my accent for not sounding *accurate*, I got plenty of other nice compliments on my socks game.
Insights: I will be someone who wears sandals with socks later in life, and I'm not mad about it.
Loni Love took me on a crazy ride. Losing control over my day, my comfort zone, and my chill lifestyle turned out to be a helpful exercise in gaining back some confidence I lost in my everyday routine. I also have to admit that my texting habits did improve over the week, largely because I reached out to friends for emotional support while embracing the ridiculousness of her every ask. I discovered new ways to appreciate and get excited by my environment — from the new frozen yogurt shop I found on my walk home to funny conversations I had with strangers while walking around as a human hot air balloon. You should try something a little different and a little crazy more often than not. But you should never, ever give a comedian your phone number. Trust me.