99 Problems - Dark Side Of Communication
Ranking and describing of the top five most problematic communicative events in a romantic relationship.
Failure to Continue Pursuing
While not the most catastrophic thing that can happen to a romantic relationship, it’s buildup can wreak havoc. “Zombie” relationships, as named by Ossiana Tepfenhart (2016), are the result of long-term, reduced effort in a romantic relationship. Zombie relationships occur when one, or both partners stop actively trying to pursue the other to the same extent that they once had, when the relationship was new. Tepdenhart discusses different signs that may signal a zombie relationship is forming, or already present. To name a few, refusal to compromise, having wandering eyes for other people, and being more annoyed than excited by your partners presence, can all be considered signs that your romantic relationship is not in a good place.
There is no doubt that maintaining a relationship takes a lot of work. Obtaining the relationship in the first place is one thing, but keeping the spark alive after a lengthened amount of time is even more difficult. As difficult as it may be, it is also extremely essential for long-term success. When being around your significant other becomes bland, stagnant, or uneventful, it becomes a question of why the relationship still exists if it’s no longer a source of happiness. While this is an issue that may take a while to recognize, it is a silent but deadly killer of romance.
Interdependency
Interdependency in a romantic relationship is a tricky topic because it can be hard to spot from the inside looking out. Per symmetrycounseling.com (2014), “Some sort of codependency in any relationship is normal, according to psychologists. However, in cases when you no longer consider yourself complete without the other, you don’t see yourself as okay on your own.” This is where the issues really start to arise. Depending on your significant other to fulfill certain needs in your life is normal, and can even be endearing. However, it is also dangerous.
The generation we have grown up in, regarding high exposure to media and portrayals of seemingly perfect lives, seems to have created the notion that perfect couples should do anything for their partner, and should never want to be physically away from them. Unfortunately, however, it is impossible for one person to supply all need fulfillment required by another human being. Thus, a couple is setting themselves up for failure is they exclusively rely on one another for everything in their lives. Additionally, one must consider what could happen if something suddenly went drastically wrong in the relationship. If your significant other has been the primary source of advice, reassurance, and love, where do you turn? All in all, relationships are all about balance, so some level of interdependency is fine, as long as ALL needs are not being met by one person.
Public Shaming
We all know that person who shares WAY too much information about their life on social media, often about personal, heat of the moment relationship drama that they are seeking reassurance about. I’m sure we’ve all also witnessed someone being shamed or treated poorly by loved one in a public setting. These instances can all be categorized as public shaming. These occurrences can be especially detrimental to a romantic relationship, and overall lack of respect is a key factor as to why. When you really love and care about someone, you should want the best for them. Belittling, or embarrassing your partner is definitely not giving them the best, and doing it in a public setting only intensifies the offense.
“Public fighting shows a lack of self-respect, respect for their partner and what little value they put on their relationship.” (Professor’s House, 2017). Respect is the overlying theme when it comes to public shaming. It can make partners feel that their significant other does not care about them enough to keep their issues confidential. Even after the event is over, feelings of disrespect, and disappointment in their partner can put a major strain on the relationship. These type of major, dramatic relational events can even cause one to question who their partner is at their core, and wonder if they should have ever been with them in the first place.
Lying/Withholding True Feelings
Lying can cause many issues in a romantic relationship, no doubt. Regardless of the extent, lying at any level can prompt questioning thoughts about the overall trustworthiness of ones significant other. While lying about major aspects such as work, family, or money are obvious problems, simply withholding ones true feelings about an issue can be equally detrimental. For example, imagine getting into an argument with your significant other about what to watch on TV. You both want to watch something different, and your significant other ultimately gets their way. While this itself doesn’t seem like a big deal or worth pursuing an argument over, holding in repeated feelings of being let down or inconsideration from your partner can cause negative shift in the way the relationship is viewed as a whole.
According to Terry Gaspard in 2014, ‘you will feel better about yourself. Honesty is always the best policy and most of us have a moral code which tells us that keeping secrets is akin to lying.” While it might feel like you are avoiding an argument at the time, addressing the issue then and there makes for fewer issues in the future. If one partner continually hides their real feelings, the issue is never being addressed. Over time, this builds up and can result in seemingly reasonless meltdowns, or worse, giving up on the relationship as a whole.
Infidelity
As probably no shock to anyone, infidelity tops the list as the number one problematic event in a romantic relationship. In a post by Greg Smalley (2014), “Merriam-Webster defines infidelity as "the act or fact of having a romantic or sexual relationship with someone other than one's husband [or] wife." Infidelity can also include an emotional connection without physical intimacy”. I think that last part is a very important part of talking about infidelity. Most people assume cheating is solely a physical act, but emotionally cheating is a very real thing as well. Engaging in any kind of infidelity while in a committed relationship is just about the biggest offence one could make against their partner. It is the ultimate betrayal on many levels. Not only do people to feel like their partner doesn’t love them anymore, but it also creates the sense that the whole relationship is a lie. People assume that, if their partner as able to hide something that big from them, the possibilities are endless for what else could be a lie. From there, trust, respect, and commitment are all damaged aspects of the relationship. Being such fundamental and critical aspects of a relationship, repair is not easy and often, may not be possible.
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