It's safe to say that navigating romantic relationships is not easy.
A lot of my TikTok FYP has to do with dating and relationships. So during a recent TikTok scroll, I came across one in particular that caught my interest.
TikToker Hanna Goefft (@hannagetshired) posted a video talking about the "5 stages of a relationship" and although I'm single AF, I have to admit that this piqued my interest.
Hanna intros the video by saying, "Could we normalize wanting to break up with your partner in a long-term relationship?" She then explains how she and her boyfriend have been together for six years and as a couple, they've been through a lot together.
"We actually had a point where, two years in, we were going through this really rocky period that I did not know if we were going to make it through," she said in her video.
Hanna goes on to explain that she learned from a friend, who's a family and marriage therapist, about the five relationship stages that every couple goes through. "It changed my perspective on relationships," she said in the TikTok.
I spoke to Hanna to learn more about her thoughts on these stages. "I learned about the 'five relationship stages' concept several years ago and found it incredibly helpful in understanding the shifts in my own relationship," she told BuzzFeed.
"It was my first relationship, so having a structure to process the different ways we were feeling enabled us to communicate through the changes and stay connected," Hannah added.
In addition to speaking with Hanna, I also reached out to Julia Martinez, a licensed marriage and family therapist to share her thoughts on these stages.
In the video, Hanna breaks down the different stages in detail. First, she says, is the "honeymoon stage" — which usually occurs during the first six months of a relationship. "It's euphoric, your brain releases a chemical compound with dopamine, oxytocin, and endorphins and makes you feel euphoria," she explained in her video.
Between about six months and the two-year period is the "differences stage." Hanna explains that this is where the euphoria starts to wear off, and conflicts start to emerge. "At this point, you start to see your partner as a real person who has flaws. It can be tempting to withdraw or fight about things," she said.
Julia Martinez, LMFT, agreed with these descriptions — and noted that the "differences stage" can be one of the most challenging stages for couples.
"The 'differences stage' is where couples start realizing possible incompatibilities and turn-offs and it can be one of the hardest stages. In the 'honeymoon' stage, we romanticize our partner, we think they can do no wrong and almost put them on a pedestal," Julia told BuzzFeed.
"When we start to see the other's flaws [during the 'differences stage'] and how they respond to conflict and disagreements, it can be pretty jarring. Typically, this is when one partner would start to notice some 'red flags' and would have to make the decision to move into the struggle stage or end the relationship," Julia continued.
The third stage is the "struggle." Hanna said this is usually around the two-year mark when deeper issues and incompatibility arises between a couple.
"It's centered around this idea that the partnership is starting to pull apart. Partners start becoming resentful of each other for taking away their individuality and wanting to invest more time outside of the partnership, rather than into it," she further explained in the video. She also said this is a common breakup point for couples.
"Many couples have a hard time moving through the 'struggle' stage and into the 'repair' stage. Many times, the 'struggle stage' is only repaired with a band-aid, such as avoidance and in some cases infidelity if they cannot communicate their wants and needs," Julia explained.
The fourth stage is the "repair stage" which usually takes place around the two to five-year mark. "Couples can feel drained and resentful about the relationship and need to commit to each other if they want to continue onwards," said Hanna.
"Couples who do not have good communication and repair skills are more likely to end their relationship here instead of moving through the 'repair stage,' into the 'enduring love stage'" Julia added.
Lastly, the fifth stage is "enduring love." It marks the breakthrough of the repair stage. "At this point, you've grown together, chosen each other. You've learned how to communicate and you get this really strong sense of support from your partner to support you in your individuality," Hanna said in her video.
Hanna's TikTok video has over 12 million views with thousands of comments agreeing with Hanna and sharing about their own relationship experiences. Some commenters also thanked Hanna for discussing this relatable and important topic of long-term relationships.
"It's been delightful to see so many people chime in with their own stories and experiences. It shows just how universal the experiences (the joy and the struggles) of being in a relationship are," Hanna told BuzzFeed.
"This model of the five stages of relationships is spot on and something that I discuss with the couples I work with. In my opinion, there is another stage that is often less talked about which could be looked at as the sixth stage," Julia told BuzzFeed.
"In this [sixth] stage, couples have been together for 10+ years and have probably built a solid life and possibly a family together. During this decade of their relationship, things may have changed such as family structure, big life events such as job changes, moves, mental health challenges, or deaths in the family which can contribute to changes in each partner and/or the dynamics of the relationship," she explained.
