The 25 Worst Cats In The World

Cats — they don't clean up after themselves, they don't pay rent, and it's not even clear whether they really like you all that much. Why do we love them?

1. The lousy roommate:

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Characteristics: Cat-food breath, up all hours of the night, minimal regard for personal space.

What to do if you meet one: Gently explain that you are vastly more amenable to a morning face-licking after you have had a cup of coffee.

2. The inconsiderate friend:

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Characteristics: Narcisissm, casual cruelty, borderline sociopathy.

What to do if you meet one: Gently explain that your face cone is a protective device and not a walkway.

3. The moper:

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Characteristics: Moping, wasting the day away, sleeping literally on top of your face.

What to do if you meet one: Make sure you have something to read on your bedside table, as there's absolutely no way out of this one.

4. The contrarian:

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Characteristics: Thinking she's better than you, refusing to listen to your uninformed opinions.

What to do if you meet one: Try seeing things from her point of view.

5. The vandal:

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Characteristics: Destructive behavior, sudden aggressive impulses.

What to do if you meet one: Shredded toilet paper is an excellent base for a papier-mâché project!

6. The snob:

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Characteristics: Turning his nose up at everything you say or do.

What to do if you meet one: Try to develop better taste and consider being less offensive in your actions.

7. The lush:

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Characteristics: Overindulgence, never leaving your armchair.

What to do if you meet one: Find a comfortable place to sit on the floor.

8. The lovebirds:

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Characteristics: PDA, saccharine professions of adoration, maudlin speeches about being in love, general unwanted nuzzling.

What to do if you meet one: Gently explain to your cats that they need to get a room and, while they are at it, consider paying some rent.

9. The bully:

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Characteristics: Heartlessness, picking on the weak.

What to do if you meet one: Do exactly as they say and try not to get on their bad side.

10. The teenager:

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Characteristics: Hating everything you love, and vice versa.

What to do if you meet one: Wait until they have grown up and left home, then ask them why they never call or write.

11. The jerks:

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Characteristics: Fighting, shouting, pointless macho displays.

What to do if you meet one: Remind yourself that cats are not equipped with conflict-resolution abilities, then feel guilty for judging them.

12. The stick-in-the-mud:

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Characteristics: Stubbornness, unwillingness to try new things.

What to do if you meet one: Threaten to leave without them.

13. The "artist":

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Characteristics: An all-encompassing, unwavering belief that his "performance art" is "important."

What to do if you meet one: Have an absolutely watertight reason why you can't make it to his show tonight.

14. The couch potato:

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Characteristics: TV addiction, Olympic-caliber laziness.

What to do if you meet one: Pull up a seat on the couch and make peace with the fact that every night from now on will be a night in.

15. The drama queen:

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Characteristics: Overreacting to EVERYTHING.

What to do if you meet one: Valium.

16. The show-off:

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Characteristics: Constant showboating.

What to do if you meet one: Try to look impressed.

17. The picky eater:

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Characteristics: Relentless finickiness.

What to do if you meet one: Take a cat-food cooking class.

18. The one-percenter:

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Characteristics: Extremely expensive tastes, constantly judging you.

What to do if you meet one: Make sure your bathroom sink is stocked with luxury bath salts.

19. The recluse:

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Characteristics: Hiding, scratching.

What to do if you meet one: Back slowly out of the room.

20. The paranoid:

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Characteristics: Finding everything you do highly suspicious.

What to do if you meet one: Get yourself a brand-new tinfoil hat.

21. The idiot:

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Characteristics: Constantly making a fool of himself.

What to do if you meet one: Get a video camera.

22. The space cadet:

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Characteristics: Forgetfulness, staring off into the middle distance.

What to do if you meet one: Speak slowly, clearly, and repetitively.

23. The anarchist:

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Characteristics: A complete disregard for rules or social order.

What to do if you meet one: Make sure your insurance is paid up.

24. The whiner:

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Characteristics: Constant begging and wheedling.

What to do if you meet one: Honestly, just give in.

25. The complainer:

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Characteristics: Finding fault in everything you do.

What to do if you meet one: Nod, smile, apologize, and promise to do better next time.

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