30. Cat Who Sees Her Own Reflection
This year was a mirror that showed us our darkest selves. To confront that dire simulacrum and — instead of blanching — sort of wave one’s paws about worriedly is honestly about the best that anyone can be expected to muster.
28. Epic Boop Cat
“Who among you, when confronted by the unmanning strangeness of The Other, would have the grace and courage to look it directly in the eye and boop it gently on the forehead?”
27. Cat Who Sees His Owner After A Six-Month Tour Of Duty
Major premise: A man’s life is nothing more than the sum of his actions.
Minor premise: A man’s actions are nothing more than the sum of his feedings.
Conclusion: If a man leaves but the feedings continue, there is nothing to miss.
—Logical axiom about this cat
25. Cat Who Attacks His Own Leg
“If thy leg offend thee, grab it firmly with both paws and bite furiously at thy knee.”
—Cat Bible: Matthew 18:9
23. Vacuum-Licking Cat
“Inevitably, the vacuum of time sucks our essence into the void of history. It is up to us whether to taste of it as it tastes of us.” —Inspirational saying
22. Shell Game Cat
The unerring accuracy of this beautiful animal was a powerful reminder that you will never lose at the shell game of life as long as you keep your paws pointed in the right general direction.
21. Tearful Cat Floating Behind Miley Cyrus at the AMAs
In many ways, we all floated behind Miley Cyrus and cried this year.
20. Fat Cat Squeezing Through a Small Doggie Door
“Between desire and success there is a door called fear, and if you are too timid to open it, a fat cat will probably squeeze through it and yowl at you.”
—Metaphor about this cat that started well and then kind of went off the rails
Or, to paraphrase Horace, Parturient fores, nascetur ridiculus felis.
18. Waffles the Terrible
Next time you find yourself perched atop the slippery car roof that is your own bad planning, remember Waffles the Terrible, and brace yourself.
17. Sleep Dancing Kitty
It is said of Sleep Dancing Kitty that “he heard the songs of angels while he slumbered,” but it is more likely that he was experiencing a commonplace occurrence of involuntary sleep myoclunus.
15. Kitten Who Tried So Hard to Meow
“And I saw another mighty angel come down from heaven … and he cried with a loud voice, as when a kitten on your shoulder meoweth adorably into your ear, and when he had cried, seven thunders uttered their voices.”
—Eschatological kitten prophecy
13. Malfunctioning Tongue Cat
“Laugh, and the world laughs with you. Stick out your tongue then somehow forget to put it back, and the world laughs at you.”
12. Lion King-Reenacting Kittens
2013 was a difficult and often painful year, but no amount of calamity or social upheaval could erase the indelible truth that once upon a time and forever in our hearts, two overdramatic kittens bravely reenacted The Lion King in their living room.
11. Dubstep Kitty
“Beneath the frills and finery, the bluster and the pomp
each one of us is dubstep kitty, going womp womp womp womp womp.”
10. Two Cats Walking a Toy Kitten
“Do not be afraid of the unexpected kittens in life, but take them firmly by the leash and lead them confidently down the hallway.”
—Weird, but ultimately solid, advice
9. Kitten Meeting a Hedgehog
“When someone you meet is prickly and weird, it’s definitely OK to smell them but you shouldn’t try to snuggle with them.”
7. Water Balloon–Popping Cat
“The most beautiful things in life are fragile and we can destroy them with the slightest sharpness in ourselves,” says this cat. “But it’s way better if you have a whole bowlful of them so you can do it over and over.”
6. The “Sad Cat Diary” Cats
The sad cats of “Sad Cat Diary” reminded us this year that true petulance is an art form and passive aggression is the purest form of aggression.
4. “OMG, Is That a Balloon?” Cat
If the shirtless guy of fate passes you holding the balloon of opportunity, be this cat.
2. Cat Who Is Friends with an Overly Affectionate Sloth
Having suffered, for nigh a twelvemonth, the embraces of the overly affectionate sloth that was 2013, each one of us can identify with this cat right now.
1. Cat in a Shark Costume Who Chases a Duck While Riding on a Roomba
No matter what trials await us in the coming year, there is no manner of adversity that will be able to remove from our hearts the ecstatic triumph that comes with the certain knowledge that on one fateful day in our short but momentous history upon this planet, a cat, dressed as a shark, chased a duck. On a Roomba.
- Trump has named H.R. McMaster as his new National Security Adviser, replacing Michael Flynn, who resigned last week.
- Milo Yiannopoulos's book has been canceled after he was accused of defending pedophilia.
- Russian ambassador to the UN Vitaly Churkin has died after suffering from cardiac arrest this morning, a day before his 65th birthday.
- A girl's best friend showed up to her date in a fake mustache to spy on her and it is the definition of friendship goals 😎