Yes, I Gained The Freshman 15. No, I'm Not Embarrassed.

The "Freshman Fifteen," a phrase most college students dread. When fries and cafeteria burgers are your best friends, it's no wonder you gain a little weight during your studies. But, for me, it meant so much more than putting on those few extra pounds. Upon my arrival at the University of Victoria in British Columbia in the autumn of 2017, I was battling both anorexia nervosa and bulimia nervosa. Not a day passed where I didn't beat myself up about my body and the way I looked, and not a day passed where I didn't think about food in an extremely negative way. Many people knew that I was struggling with not only eating disorders, but anxiety and depression as well. I continuously lied not only to myself about not being hungry, but I lied to my family and loved ones too. When my family left to return back to my hometown, I was left alone in my dorm room, realizing that there is going to be nobody to force me to eat. Nobody checking up on me to make sure that I was healthy. I would have to do that for myself. For the first few months, I ate regularly, but purging was still something I did often. It was not an easy lifestyle to go out for dinner with your friends, a meal card in hand loaded with enough to buy a meal for an entire town, and then afterwards to go and rid yourself of all of your nutrients. It didn't help that I was vegetarian and anemic either. I ended up skipping all my classes and failing multiple classes in my first term. By the time October came, I met a boy whom I have now been with for almost a year. Right off the bat, I told him everything I have gone through and continue to go through, so, if he decided to form a relationship with me, he knew exactly what he was getting into. As the relationship progressed and I fell more and more in love with him, I realized that this is not the kind of girlfriend I want to be for this amazing man. I didn't want to be throwing up or starving myself. He didn't deserve someone who did that to themselves and dragged them down too. More importantly, I realized that if I didn't want to be that person for him, I sure as hell didn't want to be that person for myself. Increasing medication dosages prescribed by my family physician and slowly starting to wean myself off of unhealthy behaviours, I stopped bingeing and purging. I ate more often (although most of the time, it wasn't the right kinds of foods) and started to gain a bit of weight back. But I never expected that when the school year ended that I would have gained fifteen pounds. It was scary. I was absolutely frightened of the Freshman Fifteen. My family and friends warned me about healthy choices at university and how most of the choices would not be all that nutritious. When I got to university, I knew exactly what to expect. Especially after I was done my first year and I was off my meal plan, I was so used to eating the wrong kinds of foods that, instead of losing weight and eating healthier now that I had an actual choice in what I could eat, it didn't get any better. But I knew that this was the only way that I was going to appreciate the importance of health. At first, when I found out I had gained fifteen pounds since September, my brain went into automatic and started freaking out. My body dysmorphia (a side effect of the eating disorders) was haywire, making me believe that I looked awful and fat and that I was never going to ever look the same again. But it made me really realize how I should put my health in a higher regard than I did before. If I wanted to have a body I was comfortable in and if I wanted to be healthy again, it would not happen by starving myself or making myself sick. And it wouldn't help me to keep eating bad foods that I know make me feel absolutely terrible about myself. I would have to choose health if I wanted to be a happy and nutritious me. Yes, I gained the freshman fifteen. No, I'm not embarrassed. It has helped me realize that there is no easy way out, starving myself won't do anything, and that I am beautiful, even though I chose to eat fries and pasta for eight months.