1. You will be greeted by tan, dewy goddesses -- who also happen to be super-helpful.
2. You will be outfitted with special shoes that are a mix between bowling shoes and the clop-clop wooden joints worn by Pinocchio.
3. You will make your way down a narrow, neon sign-lit hallway on your way to a dimly lit studio.
4. You will hear kick-ass dance music. Lots of Drake, too.
5. Your instructor -- who may or may not be inked like a road map -- will look like a DJ.
6. You will hear awesome mashups.
7. You will wish you (or the person in front of you) had worn cotton underwear.
8. Your instructor will say that next you'll be doing pushups -- on the bike.
9. You will ask yourself what the likelihood is that you will do a somersault clean over the handlebars.
10. But you will feel like a freakin' rock star when you knock out those pushups and stay on beat!
11. You will sweat like a pig, except pigs don't sweat, so you will moreso sweat like:
12. Your instructor will encourage you not to judge yourself, and to draw energy from the person next to you.
13. Just when you think your thighs are about to go numb, you will close your eyes, breathe deeply and power your way through that last song!
14. You will realize that you loved every minute of it.
Thumbnail photo from Soulcycle.