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1. Avoid getting trapped with a seat adjacent to the lavatory. People will be stretching arms, legs (all of it) when they’re up, and it will happen in the potty/pooper line next to you. You will be hit in the face, throat, and back. Beware.
2. Don’t snack on a pizza and coffee before your early morning flight.
3. Having a cranky or downer day? Get up for a stretch, do a few neck circles, and look at all the sad situations around you. You’re winning at life.
4. If you do land a seat next to the crapper and have an urge to go yourself, take a little skip aaaaall the way to the front of the aircraft. Drop it there so you don’t catch lingering whiffs of your gems. Also, payback is a bitch.
5. You’ll hate the wifi. You’ll love the wifi. Pay the $8 for the wifi. Or you could read.
6. If you need to pass someone in an aisle, make the move, and push past the awkward. There’s no right way. Ass-to-ass, doggy style. It’s all wrong and it’s all right.
7. If you’re in an aisle seat, avoid facing outward – you will be met with a a penis in your face.
8. There will be babies. They will cry. Because they are babies. (Bring ear plugs)
9. No matter the travel destination, there will be hoochies squealing in high pitch voices about either (1) Past trips to Vegas, or (2) Their excitement about the current trip to Vegas – If it’s (2), suck it up and become friends. If balance of forces exist in the world, those hoodrats will help get you free, free and free – all things and places free.
10. It may be 100 degrees outside, but it’s 45 on that plane. Wear socks, closed toed shoes, you name it – wear it. You may look adorable on your way to Barbados, but if you show up dead from pneumonia, no one will care.
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