How I Ended Up Cheating Every Time
I still remember the pain in Sumit’s eyes when I confessed that I had cheated on him. He didn’t shout at me. It might have made me feel better if he did.
It has been a week that he left our home and only I know how hard this 1 week has been for me.
I met Sumit when I finished my college and had shifted to Mumbai in search of a job. He was my cousin’s friend. We both were voracious readers and our connection built on Khaled Hosseini, Dan Brown and Jeffrey Archer.
What attracted me to him was that he was knowledgeable and not like other guys I knew who didn’t express themselves emotionally. He wouldn’t shy from saying what he felt. He was genuine and didn’t try to impress me.
That impressed me.
He was unlike guys I am used to dating, if you can call it that.
We went on a few dates and eventually moved in together.
It had only been a month that we had moved in together
This 1 month made me feel unexplainable things.
Things were perfect between us and that scared me
I used to feel restless and anxious. I was waiting for something to go wrong. I knew it would eventually happen.
Being in a committed relationship was difficult for me.
My past was not something I had shared with anyone except my therapist.
Since my elder brother Kabir passed away, I had forgotten how to trust or become close to anyone
I was Kabir’s favourite person and he was mine. We were close since childhood. Even though he was 3 years elder to me. I never called him bhaiyya...He was the coolest brother. Every girl who was in my friend circle wanted a brother or a boyfriend like Kabir. He adored me and would do anything to make me smile.
I used to call him Sant Kabir because he was selfless..My parents always made him responsible for me. There have been countless times when Kabir would take responsibility for my mistakes and blunders.
I could confide in him anything and he was my Dear Diary. Patient and understanding. Always there to listen.
My whole world turned upside down when I lost him. He died on a college trip with his friends when a truck collided with their car.
I remember that in the funeral, I was not able to shed a tear.
It changed me. Apathy was the only thing I felt
I started to drink and sleep around. I had even hooked up with strangers I met in pubs.
I had a lot of opportunities to get into relationships but the thought of being emotionally attached to someone only made me feel one emotion
Fear
I was open to the idea of no strings attached...flings but a relationship was not my cup of tea.
I would not be with a guy for more than a week. I would dump them before they could get attached to me...Before I could feel anything substantial for them.
Sumit was new, a breath of fresh air...I could be myself with him
But even he did not know this side of me
When Sumit left me, I was devastated.
I knew what I was losing. I knew this had to stop
I sought help from a therapist then.
I had so many unresolved issues which I never attended to in the past.
I took multiple sessions with her
She asked me uncomfortable questions about Kabir..I walked out the first time
She was patient with me.
I started talking about Kabir after 7 sessions.
When I was explaining my feelings about Sumit and how terribly I missed him and how I missed Kabir.. It was the first time after Kabir’s death that I cried. I felt I would not be able to stop then
I cried uncontrollably for half an hour while my therapist held my hand. She was quiet the whole time.
That day I felt a weight was lifted off
It was my therapist who made me realize what exactly I was doing. Having sexual relationships was my defence mechanism. I used to leave anyone who would get too close because I had a fear that I would go through the same thing again which I did with Kabir.
My session that day made me realized how scared I was of getting attached so I never allowed a person to become emotionally close to me.
It also made me realize that Sumit was one person that I wanted to be close with.
After the 10th session I decided to talk to Sumit and we had a 2 hour conversation that day. I explained everything to him as much as I could
I want him back
He is taking time now to decide what he wants.
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