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5 Easy Steps To Make Sure You Have The BEST Bat Mitzvah Ever

When every Jewish girl enters her tweenage years, she begins to think about her big day. The event she was born to throw, the evening that would change people's lives, her Bat Mitzvah Party. If you follow these five steps you are guaranteed to have your Bat Mitzvah go down in history.

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The first, and possibly most important step, is picking the right date. You must scan the entire Upper East Side and check every single private school to make sure no other kid has the same Bat Mitzvah date as you. The last thing you want is to have people have to decide between two Bat Mitzvahs on one night. And people think they can make it work by splitting the night between two Bat Mitzvahs. Nope. You want to have the entire city at only your Bat Mitzvah for the entire night.


How can you have the best Bat Mitzvah without having the best Bat Mitzvah venue? These days venues start booking up far in advance so I suggest starting to look when you are at least 9 years old. Getting a head start is always a good idea. Things you should keep in mind: Know your guest amount. Let's say that number is 500 (if you wanna keep it small). You should find a venue that holds at least 650 because you know kids from all around the tri-state area will try to get in, and of course, you will let them in because the more people in attendance, the more popular you will become. Also keep an eye out for the size of the doors in case you plan on having any horses carry you in. People often forget to think about that. And the last thing to keep in mind is that money is no object! It's a waste of air for you to even ask how much the space costs.


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The dress. The hardest thing to find in the whole process. Most girls will start by looking at Bloomingdales or Saks, that's simply not an option for you. We are going custom. There's no question. You must set up appointments with everyone you know in the fashion industry. You will fly them across the country if you need to. They will arrive at your house with a minimum of ten custom creations, perfectly fitted to your body. The chance that you will like any of them is very low so you should have a plane booked to fly you to Milan, to the best fashion houses on the globe. After weeks of fittings and looking at sketches you will finally find the one. The perfect dress for your Bat Mitzvah. You'll feel like you got a huge weight lifted off your back, but you're wrong. Since when is one dress enough? Your big night will consist of at least 3 costume changes. So don't leave Milan to fast. Get ready to stay there for a few more weeks until you get two more masterpieces. Then you can relax, and head home. The dresses will, of course, be sent back to New York in a padlocked, private Brinks truck with the doors iron welded shut. Once those are secure in your own home, then you can take a really long exhale and move on to the next step.


About 3/4 of the way through the night, the music and lights will go out and a spotlight will shine on a door where three secret service men will walk your cake onto the dance floor. This cannot just be any old cake. We aren't talking about a two or three or even a four layer cake. Who else is to make your cake other than the world renowned Cake Boss, Buddy Valastro. You don't have any time to drive all the way out to....New Jersey to meet with him, so he will come to your apartment with his team to discuss your vision for your cake. The cake should tower over you, and stun everyone who sees it. It needs to be unlike any other cake that ever existed.


After the guests say their goodbyes and head for the door, they think it's all over - but it's not! You will WOW them one more time with your over the top, better than any other party favor in history. They will already be carrying bags and bags of giveaways they picked up throughout the night, such as the wax hand station or the custom spray painted hat booth or the Beats headphones with your initials on it or the cookies with your face made of frosting. But they will need one last bag to take home, carrying the sweatshirt of all sweatshirts. Each guest will have their own custom sweatshirt with their last name on the back. The sweatshirt will be made of the softest cashmere, flown in from New Zealand. It will have neon lights going down the seams that can turn off whenever you want and each sweatshirt is it's own wifi hotspot. The guests will be in complete shock that a sweatshirt like this even exists and will go home knowing that they just attended the best Bat Mitzvah they have attended and will attend in the rest of their lives.

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