Hey, I'm Devina, and I've never seen Orange Is The New Black. I know, I know, I'm ~ridiculously~ late to the game. Based on the whole "better late than never" thing, I thought I'd give it go anyway – well, kind of! I'm going to watch the pilot and finale episodes ONLY, and contrast and compare.
All I know is it's about some woman who ends up going to prison, and the series (I'm guessing) follows her journey in there. I think that covers the basics. Oh, also, I'm pretty sure it has an age rating of 18+, so that tells me a lot in itself. On that note, wish me luck.
THE PILOT EPISODE – currently bracing myself, let's go!
I'm literally 32 seconds in, and I've already seen about four naked people. I'm watching this in a coffee shop so I feel like it would be wise to turn the brightness of my screen down a bit. Or a lot.
So, what I'm getting so far is that the main character is a mum in prison who uses sanitary towels as shower slippers.
We've gone back in time to the night before she goes to prison, and I'll be honest, she looks pretty calm all things considered. If it were me, I'd... Y'know what, let save my dignity and prematurely stop that sentence.
I just found out the main character – Piper – is doing time for when she carried drug money for her ex-girlfriend back in college. Bet she really hates her ex right now.
She's not the only one! (I should clarify, that was about hating an ex, not the prison or the drug money part).
She's getting checked in – is that the right word? Checked in? Anyway, it seems pretty okay for her so far, but watch how now that I've said that, something VERY ~not okay~ will happen in the next scene.
Meanwhile, we keep getting little flashbacks to her life before prison. Right now I'm watching the bit where she's getting ready to carry the drug money and my anxiety is going like 📈.
This roommate of hers is being wayyyy too nice to her. Also, I'm no expert, but the fact she's insisting on doing Piper's bed has me 98% sure she's planning something shady.
OMG, she just insulted the chef! My innocent mind's thinking she'll spit in her food or something, but let's be honest, it's definitely going to be a lot worse than that.
Piper's gone to the guard's office and they let her call her fiancé, Larry. This guard's being pretty nice TBH.
Okay never mind, as soon as she left the room the guard started masturbating. That went left so quickly.
I might need to lower my screen brightness a bit more.
The "nice" roommate is being too nice again. Tell me I've called something here – she's about to turn into her enemy or something, right? Am I close?
Okay, so I'm not going to tell you what I just saw happen in the showers, but what I will say is my screen brightness is practically non-existent at this point. I'll let you fill in the gaps.
Here we go, it's food time. What do we reckon – spit in the food?
IT'S A TAMPON. OMG. A USED TAMPON IN HER FOOD.
Oh my god. It's her ex!!! THE ex-girlfriend is in the same prison as her!!! Okay, I'm not ready, I'm officially not ready for where this is going.
And that's it, that's the end of the episode! Okay so that was... WILD.
- Let's start with the obvious, the ex. I'm guessing she'll act like she's all supportive and helpful, but actually has a hidden agenda to make Piper's life hell.
- We'll see how the relationship ended though flashbacks, and I'm going to guess it ended badly. Like, really badly. Maybe Piper's the reason the ex is in prison? That would make a lot of sense actually.
- I think Piper will get set up, end up in trouble, and basically feel like she's in hell. Or something pretty close.
- I think her 15 month sentence will get extended, and there's gonna be just a whole load of drama.
- Oh, and I think she'll probably lose her fiancé in the process. Like, maybe she'll cheat on him in prison or something?
- Plus, I think in the finale we'll see a totally different side to her. She'll have a tear drop tattoo and everything. The full works. Okay, maybe not that extreme, but she's definitely going to be way tougher. And scarier.
Here we go... THE FINALE! Bracing myself x100 for this one.
So it starts with a prisoner being zipped up in a body bag. I have no idea who it is, but it seems like a pretty sad moment. Understandably.
Wow, that guard is a beautiful man. I know that adds no value whatsoever, and he was only screen for about seven seconds max, but he really IS beautiful.
It looks like the guards and inmates are getting along? Or something? Point is, it looks like there's a lot of drama with the guards, so that's new.
OMG, she's out!!! Piper's out of prison!!! And with no teardrop tattoo?? Wait, unless this is another flashback. Is this another flashback?
Update: not a flashback. I can confirm, she's out.
Is it weird that I'm disappointed she doesn't look aggressive and scary? I was ready for that transformation.
OMG ANOTHER UPDATE, SHE'S IN LOVE WITH HER EX-GIRLFRIEND, ALEX. OMG, okay, wait let me take a breath, hold on. She's ~clearly~ no longer with her fiancé Larry (I was right, just saying). She now has feelings for the ex-girlfriend who made her smuggle drug money and got her sent to prison. Right, got it, let's continue.
Stop, this is actually so sentimental! Everyone's actually friends!! This is so cute.
Okay, Alex is still in prison, and it looks like she and Piper have been in a relationship for a while.
This is actually so sad, what's going on, why am I rooting for Piper and Alex?? Alex is being transferred somewhere else and she just broke up with Piper because she feels like she's holding her back. Why is this so sad??
In other news, is there some kind of drug ring going on with some of these other inmates? No clue what this is all about but that's what I've (kind of) gathered.
Also, there's now a chicken in the hallway. That's all.
Update: *several chickens.
Hold on a second, the chickens are drug mules??? One of them just laid an egg that was filled with pills!
You really can't make this up.
The inmates and one of the guards are now singing a song about Mountain Dew.
Piper just turned up at Larry's house – I guess these guys aren't on bad terms so that's something.
Wait a second... he's got a baby with Polly?? As in, Piper's ex-business partner and best friend, Polly?? Wow. That's a new development.
Okay, I feel like I should mention there's a whole load of other storylines going on with a whole load of people I've never seen before.
Continuing with the theme of having no idea what's going on, there's now some people hiking in the desert and speaking Spanish.
OMG, back to the chickens, they're being taken away??
Why am I so invested in the chickens.