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The Fridge From Hell

I write letters. It's what I do. it's not about the stuff they send me ( well i mean its a pretty rad bonus) but the letters I write are pretty fuckin hilarious. Here is one where I received two new free refrigerators:

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The Fridge From Hell

To Whom It May Concern:

It was December 25th, 2017 11:12 am EST, there I was sitting in my kitchen admiring my LG LFX25974ST refrigerator. You’ve done a great thing creating this God-like contraption that not only keeps my food cold but also produces beautiful cubes of solidified water molecules.

Well enough about positive talk because now here comes the catastrophic event that gave me a mental breakdown, panic attack, and raised my systolic blood pressure to 180.

We will now fast forward in time (like a documentary) to December 25th, 2017 2:15pm EST:

I was outside yodeling like I do every afternoon, when I violently smashed my left pinky toe into a brick wall. I sometimes have myoclonic jerks and this time it was my pinky toe that suffered. The pinky toe is probably one of the most important bones in the body. As this happened, my glorious yodeling morphed into what sounded like a deranged demonic shriek from the gates of hell. My toe began to turn purple and this was not pretty because a purple toe is a sign of Purple toe syndrome. (Purple toes syndrome is an extremely uncommon, no hemorrhagic, cutaneous complication. It is characterized by the sudden appearance of bilateral, painful, purple lesions on the toes and sides of the feet that blanch with pressure.)

I HAD TO ICE MY FOOT AT ONCE! I felt light headed and decided I could not stop yodeling, so I yodeled my way into the kitchen. I thought about how those perfectly x9 cubes of ice from the LG LFX25974ST refrigerator would heal me like the hands of Jesus. I added about 28 of them into a Ziploc bag and put it right on my disgusting purple pinky toe. The toe was swelling up, and becoming darker. The sight of my own toe was making me want to throw up, but I decided against it. I could not waste time with such useless bodily functions.

As I sat on my couch with the ice on my foot, I looked up and noticed the bag was not filled with ice anymore but with H2O instead! Flabbergasted, I looked around and thought somebody MUST have replaced my bag of ice with this disgusting water substance. After noticing I live alone, I began to realize sometime must have been wrong with that particular batch of ice. So I let it slide and got a brand new bag of ice; only this time I added 29 cubes into the bag. Alas! The same thing happened! The bag of ice transformed into liquids. I don’t understand how something this vile and putrid could happen to me in a time of crisis: when I may need to amputate my pinky toe. I have been so upset over this I haven’t even been yodeling. Your LG LFX25974ST refrigerator which I trusted, has let me down with its malfunctioning water cubes. I cannot begin to express how nauseated I am by this. I am willing to forgive you once you replace this monster of a machine. I understand sending a replacement fridge is a lot to ask, so I will ask you to send me two instead of one.

Please mail this at once to

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