Note: This post contains mentions of substance abuse and sexual abuse.
You can't choose your family members, but you can certainly choose to keep secrets from them. Recently, I asked the BuzzFeed Community to share a secret that would leave their family completely shocked if they found out, and I was quite surprised myself. Here are the secrets people revealed that range from juicy to tragic:
1. "My father had affairs while my mom was alive, and he continued having affairs after she died. I know this because on the day my mom died, I found messages he was sending to his mistress. That, along with his narcissistic and abusive behavior, led me to go no-contact a year ago. I've been called every name by other family members for leaving my father, but as long as he stays away from my daughter and me, I'll be holding on to his secret."
2. "I don't believe in god. My immediate family is very Catholic, but I haven't believed in god since I was 14, and I'm 18 now. Despite that, I still go to church with them every Sunday, pray, and I don't take the lord's name in vain in front of them, either. I even nod along with every religiously-charged rant. My family has no idea who I am, and I intend to keep it that way until I have my own place."
3. "I'm asexual and never plan to marry or have kids. Having a wedding and entering parenthood is my family's informal rite of passage to be considered a 'real' adult, so, to them, I'll always be the immature one. They think I just haven't met the 'right person,' and I refuse to correct them because their reaction is painful to imagine."
4. "One night, I was staying at my parents' house for Christmas. I woke up in the middle of the night and decided to get some fresh air in the backyard. I walked outside and saw my father taking a shit in the garden. Without stopping, he told me that that was how he fertilizes the roses (which, for the record, have won several prizes). He told me not to tell anyone. That was 10 years ago. He's passed away since, but I've never told anyone what I saw until now."
—Stacy, 31, New York
5. "I've been arrested and convicted of several misdemeanors. I totally skipped out on the terms of my suspended sentence and had a warrant out on me for years. I finally managed to clean up my act; I've been sober and out of trouble for more than a decade. Even with everything behind me, the past never went away. I still had to declare my criminal history for jobs, and that meant I was pretty limited in what I could do for a long time. I only worked at places that didn't do background checks so that they wouldn't find the warrants. Things are way better now, though. I'm married, have a kid on the way, and I live in a charming suburban neighborhood with a great job. Even so, no one knows how bad those years really were."
6. "That I had an abortion. My husband and I are happily married with two children. When we found out I was pregnant again, we were devastated. I'd gone through post-natal depression twice, and I knew I wouldn't survive a third time. Not to mention that my husband had become unemployed, so we weren't financially stable nor were we living in a home that could accommodate another child. It doesn't matter why because it was our choice. But, we chose not to tell because our children are the only grandchildren on both sides, and I couldn't face telling our parents that we weren't going to give them another."
7. "I know that my dad is bisexual and had a decades-long affair with his male best friend since they were 12."
8. "I spent my inheritance from my grandmother on ketamine therapy, and it saved my life. I've had debilitating OCD and severe, treatment-resistant depression my entire life, and I'd reached a point where I was thinking about ending my life nearly every day. I was desperate. Because I'd tried so many prescriptions with no results, my therapist suggested ketamine therapy. I have no shame or regrets, but I just knew that my family wouldn't understand since they thought I was the one to blame for my mental health. I was supposed to invest the inheritance money, but I believe I have. I invested it into my own well-being and making life worthwhile."
9. "I've had nine plastic surgeries. I don't regret the ones I've gotten, but I don't plan on getting any more."
10. "I am, in fact, the only person who is aware of an affair going on. My dad is cheating on my mother, and he has been for years. He's cheated on her with family friends and sex workers, and, despite being hardcore homophobic toward me, they've been both male and female. I'm too scared to call him out since he's been abusive in the past, and I probably wouldn't survive that encounter. It's hard to keep pretending that everything is fine."
11. "That I'm agnostic. I was raised Catholic — I had a baptism, first communion, went to Catholic school, had a confirmation, and the whole nine yards. But I knew from a young age that, as a queer woman, I wasn't going to be welcomed. I haven't practiced the faith in years, and if I had kids, I'd never raise them like how I was. When I was a teenager, I actually tried bringing this up to my mom, but she blocked my concerns out and pretends it never happened."
12. "My family adored my high school boyfriend. My parents thought he was so respectful, and they felt bad that his parents weren't very attentive due to their work schedules. Even after graduation (after we broke up), they'd have him over for meals and chats, and to this day, they visit him and consider him a close friend of the family. They don't know that he sexually assaulted me at prom and during our last years of high school. I've had to compartmentalize those feelings my whole life."
—Anonymous, 39
13. "I disparage my family and dread spending time with them because they are so obnoxious and embarrassing. I'd go no-contact if I didn't think my mother would literally stalk and harass my husband, children, and me. I do the 'talk less, smile more' act around them, and they have no idea how much I loathe the toxic environment they create."
14. "That I'm married to my childhood best friend. I've known my husband since I was 8 years old; I know he's the love of my life, but he comes from a family that's in a much higher class than mine — like, they are rich. When we were kids, I always heard people whisper in my ear things like, 'Keep him close, you'll become rich one day,' and 'You don't have to study, just marry him.' It sounds so stereotypical, but his parents didn't like me at all because of my class status. So when we started dating at 16, we didn't tell anybody. We liked our private relationship because we didn't have to deal with family drama, but when I was 21, I got into a car accident that resulted in me being comatose for a week."
"Once I recovered, we got married in secret. Now, we live a wealthy life, and I work a high-paying job as well. However, we plan on telling his family over the holidays about our marriage, because its become progressively harder to keep our union a secret."
—Tami, 24, Slovakia
15. "I became a nudist as an adult. I find it soothing, comfortable, and sensual."
16. "My immediate family knows this and is totally accepting, but my boyfriend's family has no idea that I'm a transgender woman. They didn't know me pre-transition, so they think I'm cis. It's very uncomfortable (but also a little bit funny) because they'll often go on rants about the 'transgender trend' around me while I just awkwardly listen. My boyfriend is cutting contact with them soon, so I guess they'll never find out. Fine by me!"
—Persephone, 28, Massachusetts
17. "My husband and I decided to start a family pretty soon after marriage, and I went through pregnancy during the COVID-19 quarantine. Soon enough, we started noticing that our child was experiencing delays in development. Not all of our family members took to it well when we disclosed our child was autistic, but we just moved on and continued to pour all of our attention into him. People began constantly asking us about a second child, and asked if we were delaying having one because we were 'scared of having a second one with autism.' A few months after our son's diagnosis was given, I found out I was pregnant. Privately, my husband and I decided to abort."
18. "I walked in on my grandparents having an orgy. There were younger people, older people, a guy in a clown costume, someone wearing cat ears, and other beings. It was absolutely wild. I slammed the door and ran away; they didn't seem to notice me. My family found out about their activities after we learned that my grandpa got another woman pregnant. Even though the truth is out, I'm taking it to my grave that I saw that shit go down in real-time."
—Della, 30, Miami
19. "I know that BOTH of my parents have been cheating on each other, but they don't know about the other's infidelity. I don't want to tell them, but I do want to be there when they find out."
20. "After my mother died, I was in charge of clearing up her things. I filled six garbage bags with her medication, which included high-dosage opiates that she'd needed in the last few weeks. My dad thinks my brother was too devastated to get out of bed for a week, even for Mom's funeral, but I know it wasn't grief. My brother stole fentanyl out of the garbage bags before I took them to the pharmacy for disposal. He stole his dead mother's opiates and binged on them for a week. Meanwhile, I'd arranged the funeral, took care of my dad, and laid my mom to rest. I'll never tell my dad because it would crush him, but this is one of the many reasons my brother is no longer in my life."
—Anonymous
21. Lastly: "The dad that raised me isn't my biological father. I've always felt and known it, considering I was different from my younger three siblings and the rest of my da's family. I took a DNA test to confirm, and I was right. I asked my mother about it; she was mildly surprised when I brought it up, and then continued to tell me about the one night she and my biological dad had been together. Only my mother and I know the truth because it would devastate my father and siblings to know. I will carry this to my grave."
—Anonymous
Do you have a secret you're keeping from your family that you'd like to take off your shoulders? Share in the comments, or you can anonymously submit using this form.
Note: Some submissions have been edited for length and/or clarity.