Previous Bachelor Contestants' New Year's Resolutions

Puppies & Chad

It's that time of year again!

2017 is looking less and less weird as the date, January is significantly colder than you last remembered - and just about everyone has forgotten their New Year's Resolutions to focus on the equally ridiculous holiday, Valentine's Day.

Lucky for you, I am not one of those people. While I do not usually make my own resolutions, I do make a point to use my extensive educational background in Reality Television to keep track of certain celebrity yearly goals.

Basically, here are some past & present Bachelor contestants and my assumptions of their individual New Year’s Resolutions. Enjoy.

1. Chris Harrison

Tommaso Boddi / WireImage

New Year's Resolution: To somehow revive the Bachelor Franchise to the glory days of contestant as crazy as Chad Johnson. Also, to prove that choosing the damp towel that is Nick Viall as the Bachelor was a smart decision.

Completion Level: Nick Viall is so boring that so far every opportunity Chris Harrison has created for the reality drama we all crave on Monday nights has been uncomfortably lisped-away. What was once the sure fire surprise contestant himself has so far proven that he is only good for shows in which he can bother other men. The season has many weeks yet to air - good luck Chris, we're all rooting for you here.

2. Robby Hayes

Via abc.com

New Year’s Resolution: To capitalize on the fact that he was paid to be on television for multiple weeks as a contest who’s legitimate job title was “Former Competitive Swimmer”. Also, to receive endorsement from ‘Sugar Bear Hair’.

Completion Level: He has been retweeted by almost every anonymous twitter account run by what you can only assume are 15 year old girls – and was somehow hired to public speak at Florida State so – Sugar Bear Hair’s looking pretty attainable right about now.

3. Alex (??)

Via abc.com

New Year’s Resolution: To make Robby Hayes fall in love with him

Completion Level: See post below.

Via Instagram: @roberthayes

4. Luke Pell

Via abc.com

New Year’s Resolution: To ride the upset that is Nick as the Bachelor to fuel a **successful** country music career.

Completion Level: Released a single that sounds almost as autotuned as every Bravo Real Housewive’s midlife crisis’. Somehow is on Itunes popular list though, so kudos.

5. Jordan Rodgers

Via abc.com

New Year’s Resolution: To benefit not only from his famous Pro-Football playing brother but his now successful winning of what can only be described as the most blatantly & blandly staged Bachelorette Season.

Completion Level: I feel like I’ve seen him somewhere in a suit commentating on football. Mainly seen online in oddly posed selfies with his fiancé though, I expected more from you, Veggie Tales Asparagus.

6. Ben Zorn

New Year’s Resolution: To separate himself as far from the dysfunction that is the Bachelor Franchise as possible, as he is arguably one of the most normal contestants that has ever participated.

Completion Level: His most recent Instagram involved his car being broken into ~very relatable~, yet to see any sponsorships. Thank you for your service.

7. Jared Haibon

Via TVGuide.com

New Year’s Resolution: To continue his reign as Bachelor In Paradise’s “All American Good Guy”, while not trying too hard, obviously.

Completion Level: Has been quoted stating he will “never return” aka “most definitely is returning mid-season” to Bachelor In Paradise. Also, very few pictures of Keebler Elves come up while Googling him anymore – nice turn around Jared, we see you.

8. Nick Viall

New Year’s Resolution: To change his title of “the Most Aggravating and Annoying Contestant Thus Far on Any Season of the Bachelorette (Including Evan)” to “America’s Most Loved and Cherished Bachelor of All Time”.

Completion Level: His lack of personality and treatment of his all too apparent speech impediment have combined to make him somehow even more annoying. However, for the first time in Bachelor history – some of the girls on his season are not only educated, but seem sane. This could lead to a possible “It’s a no from me” in response to Nick’s proposal at the end of the season – which I’m betting that Nick’s betting on winning some sympathy fans. Bold move Cotton, let’s see how this plays out.

9. Chad Johnson

New Year’s Resolution: To continue to be his ridiculously and legitimately insane self to further prove to America & the Bachelor Franchise that any & all opportunities that they have not taken to give him more air time is equivalent to lighting money on fire.

Completion Level: Has arguably more Twitter Followers than Nick Viall, and I’m 85% sure Chris Harrison has a poster of him in his room. I believe I speak for all Reality TV worshippers when I say that we miss you, Chad.

10. Wells Adams

Craig Sjodin / ABC

New Year’s Resolution: Ride the well-deserved airtime and reach to continue to grow his radio and Snapchat career. Also to make me fall in love with him.

Completion Level: Arguably one of the most well-spoken and normal contestants to date – his commentary on the continuation of the franchise is funnier than the episodes themselves. I was legitimately upset when he entered Bachelor in Paradise for fear of him falling in love with another human.