Picking The Stanley Cup Playoffs: Prettiest Uniform Edition

Quit laughing. My mom used to destroy my dad and me, week-in and week-out in our football pool, by picking the prettiest uniforms.

Canadian Mike Meyers on the runway, via hello!

Can dump and chase beat a 1-3-1 trap? (If the forwards take amphetamines.) Is Alexander Semin’s wrist shot the best ever? (No, but it is the hardest.) WHO CARES. This is NHL Fashion Week on BuzzFeed Sports.

The Stanley Cup playoffs tagline this year is: “Because Some Things Are Worth The Wait”. As a diehard hockey fan, I can tell you without hesitation that the Stanley Cup playoffs is not one of those things. The regular season is broken. The playoff system is broken.

Anyway! On to the clothing!

Eastern Conference

#1 New York Rangers vs. #8 Ottawa Senators

Henrik Lundqvist is the best goalie, in-close. Jason Spezza’s slapshot would leave a large mark on your arm (and break it off).

Easy. Rangers. Original Six always wins against unoriginal 24.

Three other less important reasons why the Rangers will win: 1. The Rangers play playoff style hockey much better than the Senators. 2. Henrik Lundqvist. 3. Ottawa sucks in the playoffs.

#2 Boston Bruins vs. #7 Washington Capitals

Ovechkin’s caveman ROAR. Zdeno Chára is 8’ 11” on skates.

Easy. Bruins. Original Six always wins against unoriginal 24.

Three other less important reasons why the Bruins will win: 1. The unfrozen caveman (Alexander Ovechkin) will, again, come up small in the playoffs. 2. The Bruins are a team. 3. I’m a Canadiens fan, and therefore hate the bear crap out of the Bruins and don’t want them to repeat, so of course, they will.

#3 Florida Panthers vs. #6 New Jersey Devils

Panther goalie (ex-Hab) Jose Theodore stopping a shot. Old man Martin Brodeur not stopping a shot.

The Devils. They’re named after the AWESOME Jersey Devil, who haunted my pre-teen summer camp overnights.

Three other less important reasons why the Devils will win: 1. Their coach, Pete DeBoer, was fired by Florida. 2. The Devils are master penalty killers. 3. God, who cares? I wouldn’t watch this series if my imaginary brother played for one of the teams. (But I’d text him the entire series demanding that he demand a trade.)

#4 Pittsburgh Penguins vs. #5 Philadelphia Flyers

Claude Giroux is maybe the most talented right-handed forward in the league. Evgeny and Sidney discuss whether a penguin can or cannot hold a hockey stick.

First tough one. I like both uni’s. Edge to the Flyers, because theirs are essentially the same as when they came into the league.

Three other less important reasons why the Flyers will win (I have to say here that I actually don’t believe the Flyers are going to win, but the sweater don’t lie): 1. They will hit the bleeding crap out of Crosby and Malkin. 2. Everybody’s now picking the Penguins to win the Cup. 3. I don’t like Sidney Crosby (sorry, Canada).


#1 Vancouver Canucks vs. #8 Los Angles Kings

Jonathan Quick making a save; Roberto Luongo not making a save (get used to those images).

If the Canucks wore their stick-in-a-box jerseys, they’d win, easy.

Same for the Kings if they wore their purple and gold ones from the glory days of Marcel “Little Beaver” Dionne. But since those decisions are closely guarded secrets, I gotta go with the primary home jerseys of both teams, which equals…a toss-up.

So, sorry, I can’t pick this series (Kings in seven, because of the goalie match-up—the excellent and excellently name Jonathan Quick vs. LUONGO-HOME).

#2 St. Louis Blues vs. #7 San Jose Sharks

Jaro Halak (ex-Hab) can be a stone cold wall. Joe Thornton tossing the game puck to Halak after the Sharks lose the series in 5.

The Sharks sweater is a huge seller. So? Teal disqualifies them.

Three less important reasons why the Blues will win: 1. St. Louis is about 10 times the team the Sharks are. 2. They’re great defensively. 3. They have two goalies with GAAs under two.

#3 Phoenix Coyotes vs. #6 Chicago Blackhawks

Patrick Kane. Clutch. Goalie Mike Smith. The desert coyotes will be howling in despair when Mike is wearing a Nordiques sweater next year.

This is the most lopsided of the sweater wars.

Please. The Blackhawks. Now, if this was next year when the Coyotes will become the Quebec Nordiques, and the Nords brought back their great uniforms

Three less important reasons why the Blackhawks will win: 1. The desert hockey team has never won a playoff series, and they never will. 2. All of the Hawks’ big name players were on the Cup-winning team of 2010. 3. I hate the city of Phoenix.

#4 Nashville Predators vs, #5 Detroit Red Wings

Detroit’s ageless Nicklas Lidstrom is as cool as Swedish death metal. Martin Erat has the best hockey name ever.

Another no contest. Of course, it’s the Red Wings and their glorious logo.

Three less important reasons why the Red Wings will win: 1. Because the Red Wings are the Red Wings and the Predators are the Predators. 2. The Red Wings have gotten completely healthy right at the right time. 3. Nicklas f’ing Lidstrom.

That’s it. See you back here again in six months when we get to the finals.

Oh wait, the best hockey sweater is off course the beautiful Bleu Blanc et Rouge of my Montreal Canadiens. Your argument has never been more invalid.


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