In my personal experience, it feels like tons of little girls are exposed to this fairytale way of thinking about love. Almost to the point where it can totally taint someone's ability to create their own unique understanding of what love really means to them.
So, when Reddit user u/Cherbeary asked the people of r/AskWomen, "What do you believe are myths about love?" the discussion going on definitely left me thinking. Here are the myths about love people wanted to debunk:
1. "That 'love isn’t a choice'; it is. You wake up every day and choose that person."
2. "That 'you can't and shouldn't be loved until you love yourself'; like, self-love is something you just decide on and not something that's born out of thriving in a loving, supportive environment. An absolute piece of victim-blaming garbage."
3. "'Playing emotional games is a normal part of courtship or love.' It's not. It's being immature. Love shouldn't be a game; the only losing state should be losing each other. Stop setting traps or tests. Be blunt and honest and communicate."
4. "That 'love is the end all be all and conquers all things.' Love doesn't make a relationship. The most passionate love can lead to the most shitty relationship. Making a relationship work is an ongoing choice that involves work and compromise. Love is only one piece. When you're in love, it feels like you'll never find anything like that again, but that's a lie. It's okay to choose to give up on someone you love deeply but who makes you repeatedly unhappy."
5. "That 'your first love is the most meaningful,' and you'll 'always be in love with your first love.'"
6. "The idea that 'if they wanted to, they would.' Actually, a lot of us are able to see that not everything in life is black and white."
7. "There's a 'honeymoon stage.' Sure, there are times when you feel complacent and bored some days, but a healthy relationship doesn't have this phase of affection, and then it just...withers away. If two people just keep paying that special attention to each other, that wonderful back-and-forth doesn't ever have to stop."
8. "'When you meet the right one, you just know.' No, you meet something that appeals to you visually and auditorily, and you start to covet them, to hunger after having them. Love is selfless, and lust is selfish. After spending two years with them, you will have seen 75% of their good and bad sides, and then you will maybe have a rough idea of whether this person is good for 30 years with you."
"But since you will usually ignore the first five red flags because 'loving eyes can never see,' you will need friends and family to give you an outside perspective of whether this person is a good investment, a player, or someone who just wants to be worshiped and will waste your time. 'But the heart wants what the heart wants.' No, you want to belong, and you will find whatever seems good enough for that, and you won't look sharply."
9. "'If you are meant to be, you will never have a disagreement.' If you come from two different upbringings, of course you will have something to disagree about."
10. "To me, some myths about love would be things I consider untrue, like: All humans are fundamentally monogamous and can only be in love with one person at a time. Or even that all humans are fundamentally polyamorous and need multiple loving romantic relationships to meet their needs."
11. "If it doesn't last forever, it was a failure."
12. "That love is 'enough.' It's not. It's not enough to keep people together, period. You can love someone and realize that it's not working. You can shower all the love you have on a person, but it's not enough to make them love you back the way you want to be loved or not be abusive, change their habits, quit drugs, etc. Love is not enough. People often stay in bad situations and say, 'Well, I love them,' but they know it's not enough."
"Okay, you love each other, so why is whoever still cheating? Why is whoever still refusing counseling? Why is whoever still yelling, calling names, and being a shitty partner? Love is not enough to build a healthy life and relationship. It takes a lot more than just love. You need respect, you need introspection, you need to be able to advocate for your needs, and you need so much more than just love. We've all seen a million posts on here saying, 'I love them even though they [insert whatever messed up thing they did], so please don't tell me to just leave.' Well, if you just loving them was enough, it wouldn't be that way."
13. "That love is a thing that just happens. As my granny used to say, 'Love should always be considered a verb and not a noun.'"
14. "That you and your partner will never change, that your feelings will never change, that circumstances will never change, etc. Life is about change, and sometimes you will change together, and sometimes you will change apart. There's nothing wrong with admitting that you and your partner have changed in ways that are no longer compatible."
15. "That 'romantic love matters more or should matter more than familial or platonic love.'"
16. "That love is this intense, passionate obsession with another person. It drives you to do crazy things, act completely abnormally, and be hugely possessive and jealous. Nah, that's probably lust or some other unhealthy emotion or insecurity. Obviously, the way love is portrayed in media and culture feeds into this."
"For my husband and me, love makes us feel comfortable being ourselves. Which turns out, we like being potatoes who snuggle on the sofa and do crazy things like going on a walk together or tending to our garden."
And finally, this person shared a very popular myth about love they wanted to debunk that I think is super important for everyone to think about:
17. "That 'love is unconditional.' People get mad when I tell them that love should be conditional. You should have boundaries and standards with the person you love. When love is unconditional, I feel it can leave room in your relationship to acquiesce instead of work toward growth. You wouldn’t want to be with someone who treats you horribly and then tell yourself, 'Well, they love me, and I love them.' Despite their actions not showing it."
Have any myths about love you want to debunk? Let me know in the comments!
Note: Submissions have been edited for length and/or clarity.