"It's Something A Lot Of People Miss": People Are Sharing The Big (But Avoidable) Mistakes They've Made In Their Own Relationships

    "Romance and attraction aren't always enough to sustain a relationship or marriage."

    Relationships in any form are a lot of work — sometimes more than we think we can truly handle. Whether it's a family member, a friend, or a partner, true (and tough) work goes into keeping any relationship up and running.

    So recently, when user u/Valuable-Ad440 asked the r/AskReddit community, "What do you think is the biggest mistake people make in relationships?" People shared their helpful suggestions for making a relationship flourish:

    1. "Always remember that in a relationship, it's not 50/50 to make 100%. Each person has to put in 100%."

    2. "Waiting until you’re too far in to discuss marriage and kids — that’s an issue that needs to be hammered out before you completely shut yourself off from anyone else."


    "I feel like this is something that a lot of people miss. It's different if you're just casually dating, but if you want to be in a long-term relationship with someone, then kids and marriage are such big things. If one person wants kids but the other doesn't, then the relationship is doomed to fail in the long run."


    3. "Tons of people have those tough discussions way too late. Kids, in-law interactions and responsibilities, finances, living situations, household chores, medical issues, and future plans should all be discussed before marriage. If you don't have an answer for that now, you're going to have to find one soon enough. All of these things WILL be faced during your lifetime together. It's better to find out if you're completely incompatible before signing that paper. Or at least have a plan for how to face these things together."

    Captain Bobby Nash and Athena from "911" having a discussion at the table

    4. "Romance and attraction aren’t always enough to sustain a relationship or marriage. On the days they don’t, the two people need to show up for each other as friends; it will always go a long way."


    5. "Focus on being individuals. It's easy to fall into seeing you and your partner as one 'being,' somewhat. You start treating your partner as if they are part of you and not an individual. You take things for granted, and you don't approach them like you would normally approach another individual. Grow and change together. Allow yourself and your partner to evolve into unique people with unique perspectives."


    6. "Perspective comes from introspection. Retaining a certain perspective requires honesty, gratitude, and genuine desire. It's good to ask yourself what your reasons for breaking up would be. Is the problem something that could be fixed with more time together, more communication, more intimacy, more friendliness, and more gestures?"

    Carmela and Tony Soprano arguing while Carmela has her hands over her face

    7. "Arguing over mundane things. What I've learned in my eight-year relationship thus far is that some things, although annoying, are just not worth an argument. Sure, if he's cheating or something as big as that, then yes, it'd end in an argument. But I'm not going to cause World War III because he came home a bit too drunk or because he didn't do something in the house he promised to do; focus your energy on things that matter."


    8. "So many people jump straight to 'lack of communication,' but more often than not, the problem is refusing to accept what your partner is communicating. Communication skills can always be better, but a lack of understanding or willingness to compromise around the differences in each other's needs leads to resentment really quickly. Once you resent each other, it's game over; there's no real way to come back from that."

    9. "Not being able to apologize. If someone tells you they're upset with you, you don't need to argue back."


    "Exactly. Don't argue about why something shouldn't have hurt someone; rather, try to understand why it did."


    10. "Taking the other person’s love, time, empathy, or patience for granted."


    "I was going to post the flip side of that coin: holding on to a relationship that isn't making you happy out of some hope that the other person will stop taking those things for granted. Both are non-starters."


    11. "Getting into a relationship knowing your personal goals and career path will be in constant conflict with putting your partner's needs ahead of yourself."

    12. "Not healing from their last relationship before beginning a new one."


    13. "Not being able to hear your partner expressing their own needs or constructive critiques without getting defensive. You should be able to hear your partner out with concern and curiosity, and THEN address your own feelings as a result of their words. If you can’t have a difficult conversation without being overwhelmed by your own insecurities, you’re not ready to be in a relationship."

    Charles and Diana in "The Crown" - Charles looks away mad while Diana looks at him

    14. "Thinking that you need to spend every minute of the day with each other. Give each other space; have your own friends."


    15. "Thinking you can change the other person."

    Carrie and Big arguing and having a stare down

    16. "Not truly designing the relationship to serve the two people involved but going by societal defaults, expectations, and assumptions instead, leading to disappointment, frustration, and resentment."


    17. "Expecting their partner to be everything at all times. The perfect sexual partner, emotional support, playmate, gift-giver, doer of chores, fixer of things, chef, and anything else you can think of — no person can be all of those things."


    18. "Building too much of a mythology around the relationship. I think falling in love always involves telling yourself a few little lies. However, that can become a whole fantasy of how you two were meant for each other that goes back to your magic meet-cute, the amazing first date, the romantic dates...this makes the relationship become a sort of golden handcuff people feel they can never leave or alter."

    19. "I think these days everyone is being conditioned to be a narcissist, so if a relationship does happen, it’s important to remember that it’s not all about you and that it’s a partnership, not just a project for you to blast all over social media. Be mindful of the very real person you are with. They have feelings, hopes, and interests, too. They aren’t just a prop."


    And finally, this user came around to give us this very simple yet very important advice:

    20. "'Just existing together' is a beautiful phrase. It's not always exciting, and every outing doesn't need to be an Instagram story."

    Nathan and Haley laying down and smiling at each other

    Just like a lot of these comments mentioned, every relationship needs an equal amount of work from both sides to succeed. Relationships will always be hard, but we can all take the time to learn and work on ourselves to ensure our relationships continue to grow and succeed.

    Have there been any "big mistakes" you've made and learned from in your past relationships? Please be sure to share them in the comments below!