I know more about Bachelor Nation than anyone who isn't Chris Harrison should. When I heard ABC was streaming the original season I decided who better to break it down for your entertainment every week? #TBT
The first episode is only 45 minutes long. 45 MINUTES. ABC has hardwired my brain over the last decade to believe that 2 hours (sometimes for 2 nights in a row) is an acceptable amount of time to spend watching strangers cry and make out on a loop. I guess people in 2002 had better things to do with their time like practice butterfly clip hairstyles for work the next day.
The show kicks off with our trusty host Chris Harrison casually hanging poolside in a khaki suit. He assures us that he is in fact "not The Bachelor" as though we couldn't tell from his gameshow host voice. He looks exactly the same and I demand he reveal his GOOP level youth secrets immediately.
Chris gives a quick overview of what the show entails and insists that this isn't like any other dating show. "The stakes are higher" because, you know, marriage. Somewhere in the future Neil Lane laughs while bathing in a pool of returned engagement rings.
We get a nice little intro package on our Bachelor for the season and it's a weird ABC version of the ugly duckling. Chris Harrison pretty much says "thanks to contact lenses and countless hours in the swimming pool" he is now hot enough for TV instead of focusing on his career!
His parents Mary Jay and Peter have been married for 32 years and give a little background info on why their son has to go on tv to find someone who will date him. Mary Jay is a queen in her blue power suit. They only hung out around 20 times before getting married so they're optimistic about the process. Peter does not disclose whether he was dating 15 other women during those 20 days.
Honestly I forgot that The Bachelor used to be someone who on paper is "eligible" and therefor made sense. Alex went to Harvard and then grad school at Stanford and passed an extensive background check. Today The Bachelor is just a guy with abs and an entry level job who cried on his season of The Bachelorette enough to seem vulnerable.
Finally we meet Alex. He is also in a khaki suit. Was this a thing? Am I the weird one for noticing this? He and Chris sit by the candlelit pool and Chris asks him why he's doing this. Alex responds "I was thinking I want to meet someone great." A groundbreaking revelation. Singles across America yelled at their TV's "finally someone gets us."
Alex is honestly boring af so thank god we only have 45 minutes and are already at the contestants intro tapes/arrivals. I laughed out loud at Chris Harrison really emphasizing that a lot of these gals have masters degrees or are working towards them when today's seasons feature such careers as chicken enthusiast and twin.
The makeup and style alone is enough to keep me entertained this whole season. So much frosted eyeshadow. A weird amount of burgundy dyed hair? So many eyebrows that are surely now filled in with pencil and regret daily.
These intros are pretty short and sweet since the show is cut in half so there's not much to discuss other than the few standouts. Also the fact that even in season one ABC filled the roster with as many fresh out of college 23 year olds for the 30+ year old lead as they do now.
I'm very here for the Doctor who straight up says she'll bounce if she doesn't feel any chemistry. This was clearly before the days of paying your rent by schilling Sugar Bear Hair on your Instagram after the show win or lose. Also she's a Doctor.
Trista is so clearly produced to be the biggest catch from the get go it's almost not fair. There's Spanish guitar and slow mo edited into almost every scene of her. It's like ABC is pitching her to replace the Dos Equis guy.
LaNease has a fab 00's heart necklace that really dates the show. Not quite as much as the girl who wears a full sequin baby blue gown but a subtle second.
Now we get to the "scandalous" women of the season. Nice to see ABC has stuck with the obvious women who talk about sex in their intro will be frontrunners/villains trope for 21 seasons now. If it ain't broke...
Amanda gives some speech about how everyone thinks she's innocent because she's from Kansas when in fact she once bought a trapeze for her bedroom thank you very much. Shattering stereotypes for an entire state. I half expected her to give a suggestive "we're not in Kansas anymore" and wink at the camera. Alas.
Then we have Angela who works at Hooters. The craziest thing she's ever done is win a best underwear contest by dropping her pants in just a thong in public. There are literally contestants that get naked for the camera now and I've heard much more from mic packs than anyone ever should - the innocence of Hooters girl is refreshing.
It's really interesting to see how the format has changed for these cocktail parties. In current seasons contestants basically only interact with The Bachelor if they get him alone. Here Alex talks to the women almost exclusively in groups. It looks much more fun and less likely to invoke jealousy from contestants which is obviously why ABC put an end to it.
None of the conversations are that interesting and it is again painfully clear Trista is ABC's favorite. Chris Harrison grabs Alex and brings him to the hall of frames. I completely forgot this was a thing. There is something so weird and ominous about Alex sitting in a room with framed head shots of all of the women. ABC should bring this back in a Tinder style swipe left or right segment.
While Alex stares at the pictures and tries to remember more than 5 names, Chris goes and gives a little speech to the women. He wants to remind them that they are totally empowered here and that they all have the ability to say no and leave. Today's contestants would surely laugh in his face and ask hasn't he heard of FitTea ads?
Alex gives out 15 roses and all of the other women are really mature about getting cut. Even the one that cries it's pretty low key and not embarrassing. As a woman it's very cool to see but as a TV viewer I'm yawning. Basically this episode of The Bachelor was pretty nice and drama free and made me realize we are all monsters who have turned the show into what it is today (thank god).
Come back next week Thursday to live in the past with me!
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