Music evokes a plethora of feels, so we thought, Why not ask those musicians about those feelings? South African singer-songwriter Sulene's latest indie-pop song, "Haunting" (available now on Spotify and Apple Music), talks about the nasty lingering feeling of a lover after a breakup. She sat down with us to share some thoughts on why breakups suck and why it's 1,000% OK to take time getting over your ex.
Let's be honest: A breakup isn’t like an off switch. You tell everyone you’re over him because you honestly think you are, but feelings always come back to haunt you. While your head has made a very sound and rational decision, your heart may be struggling to play catch-up because letting someone go is complicated and that is 100% OK. So let’s talk about not being over our exes, and then I’ll play a song about the shitty haunting feeling an ex leaves.
1. You had great times together, and it's normal to miss that.
The deed has been done: You've broken up and know it’s for the best. Everyone around you agrees, and you pat yourself on the back for being strong enough to let a relationship run its course. The only problem is that when you get into your bed alone at night, you notice your ex’s indent on your mattress or the scent of their cologne in the air. He’s left a sweater at your place too, and just like that, he’s worked his way back into your senses. You fantasize about having him back, having him kiss you once more the way he did before. But he's not like that anymore. It's OK to remember that things were once great (you decided to date him, after all), but don't forget all the way more important reasons you decided to let him go.
2. You have an ego, but so does everybody.
No one likes to feel unwanted. When the nights go by and he doesn’t text you, you drive yourself crazy wondering why. You start to wonder if he even misses you at all, and then your ego starts whispering, “Maybe he met someone else already. Maybe he wants you back? It's impossible to tell if you don't text him. You should text him.” No, you shouldn't! You know deep down you don’t want to get back together with him; you just want to be wanted.
3. Humans are creatures of habit.
Indecision runs rampant in the weeks leading up to your breakup. Why end something that’s so easy and so comfortable? You know what to expect. You know how it feels to be with this person — the good and the bad. Are the negative feelings in your current relationship worse than whatever kind of relationship horrors could be waiting behind your next Tinder swipe? Change is stressful, and being alone when you've gotten accustomed to having someone always around can seem terrifying. Now that the time has come, you feel overwhelmed by the tidal wave of change — the silence of your phone, the emptiness of your bed. Old habits die hard, but you'll be OK if you just keep pushing forward.
4. You deserve this gift of new perspective.
Breakups are painful and terrible experiences, but you will eventually persevere and gain a new perspective. Maybe you’ll reconnect with your friends, start on those new endeavors you always said you were going to make time for, or maybe even meet someone new. No artist ever complained that a breakup was bad for their art either. Use this change in mindset as inspiration, and enjoy the wide-open door in front of you — anything can happen now!
5. Nothing good ever comes easily, so this shouldn't be easy either.
This is the dip. The lowest point. It's important to realize that sometimes you have to break it all down to build yourself up to something even better — to be able to find that special someone even more worth your while (and, hey, right now that person might just be yourself). Just like the King Protea flower of South Africa (which represents change and hope), its dormant buds can only produce new growth once a mountain fire occurs and destroys all of the plantation. Let the feelings haunt you because, in time, your most beautiful, strongest qualities will shine through like they never have before.
Now. Dance out your feelings to "Haunting" from Sulene. Be sure to stay up-to-date with her on Facebook and Spotify.
