Watching Star Wars - Return of the Jedi for the very FIRST Time!
Star Wars – Return of the Jedi
Written by Clare Cordell
#StarWars
More really fast credits.. Aaaaaand pause.
HOLD ON I thought it was HAND Solo?!
This is Wheezys music.... Where is he?
THERE HE IS! His helmet is much shinier than last time someone been at the boot polish...
YESSS THE ROBOTS!!!! I love these guys.
WHO THE HELL IS THAT AND WHAT IS ON HIS HEAD?!!! Is that a penis wrapped around his neck?!!!!
Seriously.. I can't look at it!!!
So Jabba is like some kind of pimp.... He looks like a squashed Donald Trump.
His minions are fucking hysterical!!!!
Is that a house elf in the corner?
YES!!!!! I've finally found my part in this film series.... The strange looking fat toad soul singer with those backup dancers!
YASSSSS I love an alien riffing! SAAANG!
CHEEEEWWWIIIIIEEE!!!!
Now who's this in the mask?
I'm gonna guess the little princess come to save Indiana Jones from that wall hanging.
I KNEW IT!
EW. Id be like SHOWER that shit off your face first before you kiss me!
Damn it Jabba put your tongue away!!!
Seriously!!!! That is vile.
Is that house elf literally chilling out in jabbas fat rolls?
*Checks own fat rolls to make sure there are no weird house elves living there*
Here comes Luke throwing the force around again....
Cocky prick.
Princess Leia and the gold bikini! The only reason I know that reference is from Friends....
There is far too much gross stuff and gloop hanging off the creatures in this film... It's making me wretch.
To be fair although he's definitely a little bit rapey.. Jabba looks like quite a comfortable pillow.
He's going to feed them to Audrey 2 at the bottom of that sand ditch!!!
FEEEEED ME SEYMOUUUUUR.....
They got away! Phew. Now somebody get the princess a coat she's depressing me as I sit here eating a box of chocolate....
Who is this scary looking monk with the bad teeth that they are all kneeling down to????
He looks like a Dementor...
YODA IS BACK! Hahahahaha yes!
Wait... Forever sleep?
NO! Don't kill Yoda off! Take Luke instead!
Luke is having an identity crisis right here. He can't cope with his Daddy issues.
Papa can you hear meeeeeee.....
There's another Skywalker?!!
NO!!! YODA!!! SOB.
Here comes the ghost of Christmas Oby 1 to summarise the story so far for Luke.
Indiana Jones just gets more and more attractive doesn't he....
How are they now in a forest? They were in space not 5 mins ago!
She is conveniently good at flying this lawnmower they just happened to stumble upon isn't she!!!
Watch out for that tree!
Too late.
Bloody hell now the princess is unconscious in a bush like some old tramp.
Oh god I HOPE that is Warwick Davis in that little bear costume....
Of course they are ALL now stuck in the comedy net haha! Nice one Chewie you big boob.
There are LOADS of the little bears! One of them HAS to be Warwick....
GATHER ROUND LITTLE BEARS! It's story time with camp uncle C3PO...
She took that news very well "somehow I've always known your my brother... Even when we were making out...."
This such a dramatic scene they need a power ballad now
Hit us with some defying gravity Luke!!!!
"Hold me"
VOMIT.
Luke sweetie, you can't change him. I'd give up now.
They've already told he he's practically a robot... You won't win this one babe.
Seriously pick your battles!
Now he's going to be swayed to be on the dark side isn't he? I can sense it.
There is 46 minutes left of this film... I need to pause and get coffee.
It's no use this is going to have to wait until tomorrow I think I'm still hungover from NYE....
Okay I'm back to it... I need to catch up.
So Luke is having a meeting with the Dementor....
Is he German?
I have literally no idea what he's talking about.
YES! Death by scary teddy bears! Gwannn Warwick!
That's my favourite bit so far. The little angry bear smacking himself in the face with that nunchuck! 😂😂😂😂
Alright okay so the emperor is the Dementor guy.. And he's trying to turn Luke evil like his father Darth Wheezy.
Again...
"I love you"
"I know"
It's awkward.. She's clearly got commitment issues.
Luke just went cray and chopped his dad's hand off!!!
GIVE HIM A HOOK!!!!
Someone's got to get a hook at some point in this film surely...
Lord VolderVader just saved Luke's life. Dramatic plot twist!
TAKE HIS MASK OFF
I'm guessing it's going to either be Oby 1 or a Wookie.
Nope I was wrong it's Hades from Disneys Hercules!!!
Oh that's quit emosh actually isn't it...
Oh that's sad.
He's literally watching his father burn...
I want the princess and Indiana to adopt all the little bears and live happily ever after
Okay so apparently the Bears are called Ewoks... My bad.
Wookie is like ewok backwards... Literally as I was writing it I realised it isn't at all and my theory about them being like small wookies is completely void now. Damn.
It's okay Luke, the ghosts of Christmas Oby 1, Yoda and some random other dude (who I'm assuming is Lord VolderVader as a young boy) have given you permission to live happily ever after!
Aaaaaaaand cue family photo.
I hope they plan to send that out on the front of their Christmas cards next year.
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