It's 9:45 on a Monday morning, and I'm at work. I work at BuzzFeed, so the fact that I'm on a purple hoverboard with a cereal bowl attached to it isn't too far-fetched. Still, for me, it's not exactly typical. I'm not the guy who writes posts about spending a day in his underwear or eating only raw veal for a week — but I do make branded content, and when Cinnamon Toast Crunch invited us to try out their fancy new toy, I said I'd ride it.
And so, I'm riding it.
My first stop is the fridge for some milk. I pour it into my bowl of cereal, and there's no spillage. The bowl balances thanks to some supreme cereal innovation. Not bad, I think. But what will happen when I speed over to my desk at 10 mph? I do so, and it doesn't spill. Crazy, I think. And possibly witchcraft.
At this point in my day, I'm usually sitting down to an inbox filled with emails, most of which I reply aloud to with an "Are you kidding me?" or a "No!" Instead, I'm feeling happier than I usually am at 10 a.m. because I'm on a purple hoverboard with a cereal bowl attached to it, and I reply to each email with zero sass.
Then it's time for a meeting. I hover over to my 11 o'clock and enjoy the cinnamon swirl milk as I go. This meeting could've TOTALLY been an email. But rather than voicing this, I do a few tricks on my Cinnamon Toast Crunch cruiser, to the delight of my co-workers.
"I want one," says Megan.
"Sorry, you have to be me to be eligible," I say. I feel like a freewheeling cereal magic man who's harnessed a great power that everyone wants.
"I think I'm in love," says Tyler.
"Back off!" I say.
These conversations actually happen. After my co-workers are sufficiently entertained, I exit the meeting the same way I came in: on my cruiser. The Research Department has plenty of questions. "Run a report on it and get back to me!" I say, feeling cool and speeding off into the distance.
After the meeting, I have to use the restroom. True story: I think public work restrooms are breeding grounds for hilarity and awkwardness. I find people who talk to each other in the bathroom weird, and people who use their phones while using the bathroom are beyond me. Yet, here I am, on my cruiser. I get some laughs, and a person I don't really know asks if he can try it out. I say, "I don't talk to people in the restroom, that's weird!" and hover into a stall.
It's lunchtime, and while I usually dread heading down to the canteen because of its human interaction implications, I'm looking forward to it today. Today, I have something worth discussing. I will not fall victim to meaningless small talk today. And if I do, I will simply scream "DO YOU SEE WHAT I'M ON RIGHT NOW?"
There are fixings for sandwiches in the kitchen, but after approaching them with a fair amount of curiosity, I hover away and decide I'll have more cereal. I make my entrance, and the canteen is all abuzz at the sight of my cruiser. "THIS IS GENIUS!" "THIS IS HILARIOUS!"
Someone says it is the most millennial thing they've ever seen.
"It's like, you gotta rush to your meeting at your startup and also post something to instagram, but you have to eat your nostalgic cereal at the same time."
"Yes, friend. It's exactly like that. And that's why you want it so badly."
After lunch, I take my cruiser to the quietest floor at BuzzFeed. The 16th floor has amazing views and is home to several teams of people who do things I don't exactly understand. It also has the atmosphere of a library. I want to see if my cruiser can rouse even the sleepiest of places, and indeed, it does. A girl who had probably planned on minding her own business for the entirery of the day gets up from her desk to take a look. I look at her straight in the eye and say, "What would you do if I asked you to rap about my cruiser?" There's a brief silence, and then she goes for it.
"Cinnamon Toast is the most from coast to coast / Now you on a cruiser and you think that you can boast."
Impressed, I shake her hand. I have fun with the denizens of the 16th floor, and the photo team takes a few pictures of me.
Later, I get an email about a happy hour. I'll do it, I think. I've got a damn purple hoverboard with a cereal bowl attached to it! I've got reason to celebrate, I've got something to show off, and I've got no excuses. And so, after work, I head out on my trusty steed — a steed I credit for my positive mental attitude on what could've been a typical Monday.
I'd like to say that I ride off into the sunset...but hoverboards are illegal on the streets of New York.