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10 Upgrades Every Parent Desperately Needs

Because this is the body you need for your real — and really exhausting — life.

1. Telepathy

Uses:

- When the baby won't stop crying, and you don't know why.

- When you want to make sure the kids are really OK at your in-laws'.

2. Regeneration

3. X-ray Vision

Uses:

- Because there's no such thing as paying too much attention.

- Because now you can watch TV and watch your child at the same exact time.

4. Impervious Clothing

5. Enhanced Hearing

Uses:

- When things get...too quiet.

- When you overhear a child in another room suggests something extremely bad that you will later have to clean up.

6. Incredible Speed

Uses:

- So you can get there before it's too late.

- So you can clean it up in seconds.

7. Lie Detection

Uses:

- When you're pretty dang sure they fed the vegetables to the dog.

- Because we all know what "the teacher forgot to hand out report cards" really means.

8. Mind Control

9. Super Strength

Uses:

- Carrying, dragging, carting, and otherwise moving your children through physical space.

- Lugging that diaper bag, unloading that stroller, and packing the attic full of keepsakes simultaneously.

10. A Great Sense of Humor

This is one upgrade you can count on.

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