Mayonnaise Is Trash And Its Existence Is Unfortunate

It’s like edible lotion.

1. Someone once said, “Don’t hate on stuff you dislike, support the stuff you do like,” and I wholeheartedly agree with that notion. However, I’m going to make an exception for you, mayonnaise.

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2. All it takes is a tablespoon of your vile, revolting, offensively thick, sickeningly creamy existence to thoroughly ruin an entire meal.

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3. You look and feel disgusting. Are you white or yellow? Are you cream or jelly?

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4. There are some twisted individuals out there who’ll put you places you don’t belong, like on French fries…

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5. …or an omelette.

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6. And, in one of the most disturbing acts in the history of food, someone put you (and peas) on pizza.

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7. Your moistness makes buns soggy…

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8. Your bland taste hides the succulence of a beef patty.

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9. And frankly, your gel-like texture grosses me the fuck out.

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10. Every time a restaurant puts you on my burger without permission, I want to call the police and report this injustice.

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11. People have even tried to make you in different forms, but *SHOCKER* you’re still trash.

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12. The same thing goes for mixing mayonnaise with ketchup to create a combo sauce. No, go away mayo. Your awfulness nearly trumps ketchup’s greatness. You’re trying to ride ketchup’s coattails to tasting decent. Sad!

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13. In closing, I wish you were self-aware so all of this could be said to your stupid face, or lid, or whatever.

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