1. Someone once said, “Don’t hate on stuff you dislike, support the stuff you do like,” and I wholeheartedly agree with that notion. However, I’m going to make an exception for you, mayonnaise.
3. You look and feel disgusting. Are you white or yellow? Are you cream or jelly?
9. And frankly, your gel-like texture grosses me the fuck out.
10. Every time a restaurant puts you on my burger without permission, I want to call the police and report this injustice.
11. People have even tried to make you in different forms, but *SHOCKER* you’re still trash.
12. The same thing goes for mixing mayonnaise with ketchup to create a combo sauce. No, go away mayo. Your awfulness nearly trumps ketchup’s greatness. You’re trying to ride ketchup’s coattails to tasting decent. Sad!
13. In closing, I wish you were self-aware so all of this could be said to your stupid face, or lid, or whatever.
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