Someone once said, “Don’t hate on stuff you dislike, support the stuff you do like,” and I wholeheartedly agree with that notion. However, I’m going to make an exception for you, mayonnaise.
All it takes is a tablespoon of your vile, revolting, offensively thick, sickeningly creamy existence to thoroughly ruin an entire meal.
You look and feel disgusting. Are you white or yellow? Are you cream or jelly?
There are some twisted individuals out there who'll put you places you don't belong, like on French fries...
...or an omelette.
And, in one of the most disturbing acts in the history of food, someone put you (and peas) on pizza.
Your moistness makes buns soggy...
Your bland taste hides the succulence of a beef patty.
And frankly, your gel-like texture grosses me the fuck out.
Every time a restaurant puts you on my burger without permission, I want to call the police and report this injustice.
People have even tried to make you in different forms, but *SHOCKER* you’re still trash.
The same thing goes for mixing mayonnaise with ketchup to create a combo sauce. No, go away mayo. Your awfulness nearly trumps ketchup’s greatness. You’re trying to ride ketchup’s coattails to tasting decent. Sad!
In closing, I wish you were self-aware so all of this could be said to your stupid face, or lid, or whatever.