1.
Angel: welcome to heaven Me: holy shit Angel: ooh you swore get out Devil: welcome to hell Me: holy shit Devil: ugh u said holy get out
2.
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that? SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just ... just give him a minute ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
3.
*Heaven* God: you may ask me 1 question Me: Why aren't there lowercase and uppercase numbers? God: what? Me: I wanna write loud numbers
4.
[arrives at the gates of hell] Satan - "WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE... WE DON'T HAVE LASAGNA" Me - "um...ok?" [Satan checks list] "Is your name Garfield?" "No" "Huh. List says Garfield"
5.
[Heaven] Me: Can I come in? St Peter: *shakes head no* Me: Was it close? St Peter: *rolls out my lifetime internet history* Not really
6.
*arrives in hell* *Hey Ya starts playing* haha nice love this song *song ends* … *Hey Ya starts playing* wait no
7.
*gets to hell* [In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
8.
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
9.
SATAN: welcome to hell ME: thanks SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog? ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU *jesus appears and high fives me*
10.
[Heaven] Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL Me: Too soon…
11.
[at heaven's gate] God: Tell me why I should let u in Me: I've never made anyone look at my baby's ultrasound pic God: You can have my bed
12.
*1st day in hell* Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts Me: Oh nice Devil: And you have to react to each one Me: NO
13.
*God provides manna from heaven* "Is there gluten in this?"
14.
satan: welcome me: this isnt so ba- satan: put these on me: are...are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer satan: enjoy me: noooo
15.
[pearly gates] ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven ME: ok ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns ME: abSOULutely *clouds turn to fire*
16.
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now. ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open? GOD: ...
17.
*dies and gets to hell* I really thought I’d lived a good life. *Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away* Oh yeah. Fair enough.